My off-the-cuff comments - comic and / or sardonic.
"Some check-out girl watched as I loaded vegetable after vegetable after vegetable, and her expression changed when she looked at my figure. Ahhhh, I thought - I better explain. "These are all for the guinea pigs; they eat better and more expensively than I do". She smiled, the dichotomy resolved in her mind, as I loaded frozen pizza after frozen pizza after frozen pizza."
"I don't need more hobbies; I need more time. Now off for a nap I go."
"Enjoyment doesn't necessarily require excitement."
"Say no early; say no often."
"When you have exhausted all (your own) personal and civic responsibility, then you can whine and complain (about a situation)."
"Optimism is emotionally-biased speculation, pessimism is emotionally-biased speculation, pragmatism is objectively intelligent."
"When the alcohol goes down, the blouse comes up."
"I was thinking about finding a way to make a living from apathy and sloth, but I'm just too lazy to try."
"Yes I am that good."
"Who's the superstar?"
"There's always a Plan Z."
"Garbage in, perfection out."
"I probably won't excel in anything without trying hard, but it's easy enough to succeed in a great many things without trying hard at all."
"I sat today for a few hours with a bunch of girls. Ahhh girls. I love girls. I'm going to reflect on this day. Though I may change some aspects in my own mind."
"I'm not at an age (and I guess girth) where if a mouthful of bacon and egg falls off my fork, my gut reaction (purposeful wording) is to stick out my belly to bounce it all back on my plate!"
"I am heading off to act my role in the big production. Time to put on the mask."
"Folks, I am getting old. Today a good acquaintance offended me personally without knowing it. I was just thinking about it and thought I'm going to frakking go explain tomorrow how wrong the statement was. Then I thought, what's the point. I don't care that the person is wrong, and even that the person offended me. I am old."
"This coming home and having to cook rather than pour myself a stiff drink is b.s. I need a personal chef, or a personal bartender!"
"Just to let everybody know, a Compaq (HP) laptop can be dropped from a tv tray and still keep asdf jkl; qwer oiuy zzzttttt ... just kidding, it's fine."
"Want to know what's wrong with the world (today)? It's that I've decided that I need a frakking granola bar for lunch rather than a cheeseburger!"
"If the best thing your commercial for your movie can quote is "a film people will talk about.", your film is going to be lame. 8^)"
"I wonder if I'm fooling anybody when I leave the vacuum lying around in the same spot for three days. Kind of looks like I've done some cleaning or are about to."
"The most astounding thing happened today. I found out a friend of ours doesn't like peanut butter! Does such a person exist? Turns out so."
"I do wonder if the person who invented peanut butter was properly thanked ... with the nobel prize and million bucks."
"I just don't get it. I keep drinking alcohol and sitting by the fire and for some reason I just feel like napping all day. Weird eh."
"List of things people may not know about me ... OK I've got nothing. I'm pretty straightforward."
"I will almost always digress; it is one of my flaws. Who am I kidding? I have no flaws."
"Tonight my name is Al K. Holic. You can just call me Al."
"Boy, morning sure does come early in the day."
"This morning I'm jazzed because I found the second half of the lone strawberry in my jam ... you know the *one* strawberry they have to put in the jar to be able to say that it contains real fruit"
"Is busy all the damn time. But don't worry, I make time for fun."
"What I love about being an adult is filling my cupboard with kids cereals. Today ... sugar crisp! Yummm."
"Why are people talking about christmas already? Of course it's all in relation to time off work and shopping season and economic futures, so the secularization is pretty much completed in western society. Good."
"Is there any way to know if the lady in the check-out line ahead of you is interested a threesome? Just wondering because she was very pretty and smiled at me. I assume she wants me but how can I tell if she is into kinky (but she is still normal)?"
"I'm so vain, I probably think this site is about me."
"If there's only one of us here who drinks beer, but I keep running out of beer faster than anticipated - what does this signify? That there's some kind of middle-of-the-night beer-drinking gremlin right?"
"So some guy bought a 6 pack of [Whatever] Light beer! And I tried to contain my laughter, and was thinking should I ask if he's now going to [insert list of biases about uncool activities] next. But then I remembered I was hauling the wife and sundry purchases around in the minivan. The loser-cruiser. So I couldn't say anything."
"You know you've given up when you choose porridge over frosted flakes."
"I got hugs from TWO girls today at the office. I stuck around as late as I could waiting for more such good luck!"
"... and I'm too sexy for this site, too sexy for this site."
"Just so everyone's clear on this: what I don't know isn't important to be known."
"I figure if I speak of my imbibing in milliliters, it sounds like medicine right?"
"Drinking wine and feeling fine."
"Hey has anyone seen my sunglasses? They are pretty much ... somewhere."
"Was just thinking about all the tasks and chores I had lined up for the spring -- ya, last spring. Now I'm thinking holy crap I better get working before it's winter."
"Great retirement party -- wish it had been mine. Well, minus the being old part."
"How do I love me? Let me count the ways."
"Who would have thought ... if I get up earlier, I can be ready to go earlier."
"Assuming he will ultimately be famous for his brilliance and wit, has started to compile his memoirs."
"Ahhhh, fall, when the classic game of "J-man and mouse" begins. They try to come in and I try to keep them out."
"Thank goodness for coffee -- and oxygen -- but coffee is good for now."
"Doing a little experiment: do I still hate mornings? Yes, yes I do."
".noitnetta gniyap llits er'uoy fi gniees ..."
"It's a day of thanksgiving ... a good day to forget the a-holes and to celebrate those friends, family and acquaintances who have integrity. Cheers to those with integrity."
"Even after years of practice is still not a morning person."
"Got 90% enjoyment out of the Stratford Festival play and 10% enjoyment from watching the old couple across the way sleep most of the time."
"I may have swallowed a mosquito. Tried coughing as it went past my tonsils - 50/50. Yummmm. (Had a muffin and butter chaser - just to teach it a lesson)."
"It is entirely probable I walked into McDonald's - which had a huge line for the free coffee facing me - with my zipper down and gave a good show. But nobody looked appalled. You know those old movies where all the women shriek and faint from over-stimulation? It was more like that. But ya, I bailed right away because of the size of the line, sat back in my vehicle, and felt the fresh air and chuckled to myself. Oops."
"So I was reminded that the main Sears in Toronto is abandoning ship. I was thinking of setting up a meet-and-greet for me there - I would need all that space for the throngs of visitors, tourists, and admirers. The only question would be, should I be open all seven days a week? Oh and I might just tell Sears to leave the women's lingerie section there - and they can take the rest of their stuff."
"I find your lack of rain disturbing."
"This is truly amazing - by mistake I machine washed and fully dried a USB memory stick and I'll be darned - it's working just fine! What are the chan*<;] =+@# }-% \#| ?"
"My froot loops are stale - how to fix? Soak in milk and dry in toaster oven perhaps?"
"After 18 years we are still laughing together, or at each other, whatever."
"Sunday - just observing my day, as I do every day, of cult avoidance and logical fallacy identification and rational thinking."
"Avoiding chores because they're chores."
"Oh flying spaghetti monster, please let our lottery group win tomorrow!"
"Short list of the things I don't give a fark about today: everything."
"OK I'm going to quit worrying about it - hot girlie waiting at service Ontario was batting her eyelashes at me. I might be getting hotter. Though this is a shirt I haven't worn in a while."
"Patience isn't a virtue; it wastes a short life. (tm) -- Jonathan"
"Are you ever so tired you take a first good drink of coffee and about 10 seconds later you actually taste it? And then think holy I must need this."
"Are two people supposed to be able to eat a big bag of chips? Well, 90 grams each doesn't sound like that much after all. And ketchup flavouring is better than drugs anyway."
"Tonight's 'what makes me cry' - spilling a bit of that kraft cheese powdery mystery mix! I just love it so much and to lose some ... 8^("
"Drunk and watching mythbusters. Time to try that at home!"
"I have to stop reading - too many logical fallacies, too much hypocrisy, too much speculation, too much laziness. Oh well, I guess I can weed all that out and glean the tidbits of actual information. Inefficient use of my awesomeness, but so be it."
"Stuff I couldn't say in various situations today in order (none at work) -- bear with me or ignore: "You've got that right you complete moron.", "Ya, she's a b**ch.", "How you doin'?"."
"Do you ever get to the point - once the flames have died down - that you don't care anymore and you're eating that chicken whether it's cooked inside or not!?"
"Hates mornings. Hey, what's the sun doing way over there in the east?!"
"Really needs more time in the day. (tm) I know; how profound eh? There isn't enough time, and probably not enough disk space, to impart my wisdom to the masses."
"Thank goodness this eclipse is over so I can go out and stare at the sun again safely."
"I like to think I"m very adaptable, but it still ticks me off that they changed the names of the cup sizes on my take-out coffees! And I am still mad they took away our dollar and two dollar bills and replaced them with these stupid heavy coins. Also, what was wrong with the corduroy log roads?!"
"Want to know how addicted to coffee I am? I was out atv'ing and started making coffee upon return. Half way through I noticed a small spider crawling up my arm. I thought, "ah, I can get this coffee made before he gets up to my head and I have to take him outside"."
"Physical labour done. Now switching from stimulant (coffee) to depressant (whiskey). Yee-haw!"
"Is about to do manual labour. The world has gone mad."
"Is back from the ball. Whose glass slipper is this?"
"Wants an honourary degree. It appears to be all the rage. There needs to be something above PhD for me to receive. Some kind of supergenius degree would be appropriate."
"No indeed, I don't need more hobbies; I need more time. Now off for a nap I go. -- JLH (tm), (c)"
"Is the fireworks master tonight! Fire Department on stand-by; film at 11."
"So I put the tenderloin on the bbq and talking to myself said "that's some serious meat". Then I said to myself "that's what she said". Then I laughed at myself. A "that's what she said" is still funny even if you say it all to yourself right? Yes I am drinking. Why do you ask?"
"Just thinking - no one ever accused me of being too classy. Funny that."
"Move over Lewis Black, I'm angrier. But smarter, handsomer, funnier, and drink more."
"In honour of earth day, arbor day, whatever the hell else day, I am declaring today to be Jonathan day. And every other day too."
"Funny - I don't feel fat until I put my pants on. I'm about to head to work - anybody mind if ..."
"I don't feel fat till I put on clothes, so there is only one proper solution ... look out world! Oh and what's the temperature out there?"
"Nice evening chatting with someone of similar intellect and insight and perceptiveness. Now, on what channel are Gilligan's Island reruns?"
"Oh by the way, sorry London, Stratford, Ottawa, etc. folks - grass is green here still. Was going to photoshop me on a beach towel in grass, but too lazy - so imagine how funny and ironic it would have been."
"Oh in the seminar today when the presenter asked "and what do you think they did?" and I replied with the right answer, and he said, "oh you've heard this story eh Jonathan?" and continued. No I hadn't heard the story. I simply analyzed the story, extrapolated the most reasonable thesis which came to my mind ...and spoke up. Goddammit I'm good. But I just nodded as if 'ya, I heard it before'."
"Time to plant some trees. Here I go saving the planet again."
"Ahhh to be young and in love. Wait, I am."
"Forget a silly olympic hockey game ... I just chipped in the 18th hole from well off the green for an eagle on the wii! It was awesome."
"Will enjoy a lazy day today. Why not all seven eh?"
"Just found out Brent Spiner charges an autograph fee. So just to let everyone know that I now will be charging an autograph fee as well. Can't wait to see the look on the face of the clerk the next time I buy something on credit card."
"Is about to watch school play in which my nieces are performing. I'm such a wonderful uncle. I would be a friggin great dad except for the fact that I don't want any kids."
"Hates bad people and loves good people."
"Doesn't it just give you a warm fuzzy when you interact with people who are polite?"
"Is thinking of all the tasks I should do today which I'll just avoid doing anyway."
"Jon Stewart = still insightful and intelligent; retards = still retards."
"I hate having to get exercise. I understand one is not supposed to exercise for 24 hours after a blood test. I'm thinking it might be worth giving blood every night. I wonder how long that is sustainable ..."
"Is doing more things and such and stuff and the like."
"A guy at work told me today that he's going to quit drinking for a month. I am still chuckling as I sip my beer. Is quitting drinking for a month a thing? I can't imagine."
"What does it mean if you just want to do the things you want to do, and don't want to do the things you don't want to do?"
"Turns out I can do a Marge Simpson impression and I never watched the show."
"It's ok for a guy to cry when he considers he's getting close to 40 right?"
"Was so tired first thing at work that during a discussion with a co-worker I asked her, "gee, how long was that silence" thinking I might have been half asleep. (Too short for a note, but too funny not to share. Or maybe you had to be there.)"
"Yes it IS oatmeal."
"What a freakin lovely day. I might actually go outside!"
"If there's one thing I know, it's everything. P.S. I call (tm) on that if it's never been used before."
"Well, another week-end done. Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin', into the future ... (70's escalating gurgling music) ..."
"Did some things, now I'm going to go do some other things. See you."
"My stock tip of the day. Don't buy gold ... two months ago."
"Has found the problem with a good brisk walk in a good brisk breeze gets rid of the drunkenness."
"Has so much to say and there's so little space on the internet for it all."
"I thought of something profound earlier, but have since forgotten; please assume that what was going to be here was profound."
"Does anyone else find that every single time there is a meteor shower upcoming, the news reports it as "this could be the best show ever". I'm surprised that the night sky isn't lit up like a fire-fight in a Star Wars movie what with the hype each successive meteor shower gets! P.S. there's a meteor shower this week-end. Sounds like it's going to be spectacular. Not like all the previous spectaculars."
"Is up for some wine, women, and song -- and you can hold the wine and song."
"Is enjoying wine, women and song. Minus the women and song, sadly. And I can do without the song."
"Jonathan Harrison <-- that's what she said."
"Jonathan Harrison is still awesome, just in case anyone was wondering."
"You know how on television, when an actor supposedly has just woken up, goes over and gets a cup of coffee from a nice full fresh pot? Why the hell doesn't that happen with my coffee maker?"
"Is it just me or is Alpha Bits less bleached and less sugary than in the 70's? What has happened to the world when Alpha Bits tastes like health food? 'What happened to the food of yore, snow white, with naught redeeming nutritional value?' -- Macbeth (just kidding -- Jonathan)."
"Yesterday at lunch I was waiting for my take-out in a busy downtown restaurant and amongst all the chatter something got my attention. I heard from some girl, "Deep Space 9" ... chatter, chatter, chatter, "Deep Space 9". Funny how you only hear the important things which come from a girl's mouth eh."
"Now, what was I going to say again?"
"Was thinking I wanted to be an actor and play a fun-seeking, bad-ass, good guy as that would be cool. Then I thought, wait, I already am all that!"
"Hey something *I* learned today. Baby snakes are stupid and will run towards a bonfire rather than away. But I'm amazing, so I grabbed the rake and shooed him away. Darn suicidal snakes - making me risk life and limb!"
"Time to wake up and smell the coffee. No really."
"Is creating his own olympic event ... (must be pg13, must be pg13) ... Men's 100-minute napping!"
"There's actually quite an easy way to know when I'm right - I said it or typed it. (c) JLH"
"Is drinking much wine and says fark it, I'm going to be my own party tonight. 8^)"
"Thought for the day ... why is it that mourning doves won't get out of the way when you're barrelling at them at 100 km/h in a car, laying on the horn the whole way, but if you wander over to the window to watch them eat seed, they scram like they're on fire?"
"If i can teach you one very important lesson today ... always freeze your potato chips and eat them right out of the freezer ... (also, guess what i'm having for supper...)"
"There still remain some differences between Canada and the USA. Sheriffs for example.
They have sheriffs, we have sheriffs. In the USA, they are big time, powerful, important, feared.
Here, they do court security, serve court documents, do prisoner transport – not really the big time.*
More like an usher at a movie theater – ya you'll kind of listen to him / obey him, but the respect just isn't there, and you're pretty sure he's not going to shoot you.
* absolutely no offence offered"
"In 4-wheeling a lot, my arms are getting really sore. I really only noticed though when I had a hard time giving the finger."
"Sometimes I get paranoid that I've got some disease or another. But I stop worrying about eating too much when the symptoms are 'unexplained weight loss'."
"Some check-out girl watched as I loaded vegetable after vegetable after vegetable, and her expression changed when she looked at my figure. Ahhhh, I thought - I better explain. 'These are all for the guinea pigs and rabbit; they eat better and more expensively than I do". She smiled, the dichotomy resolved in her mind, as I loaded frozen pizza after frozen pizza after frozen pizza.'
"Has there ever been a pizza joint that doesn't advertise they are 'the best pizza and wings in town'?!"
"Just looking at the raisins in my cupboard and wondering if I let them sit there a long, long time will I some day get some vintage wine"
"Time to start drinking - it's noon somewhere - wait, it's noon right here!"
"So today I figured I had the hose hooked up to the warm water anyway, so I cleaned the downstairs toilet with some nice high pressure ... just like Tim Taylor would do ..."
"Wonders what kind of world this is when I figured I should have raisin bran rather than alpha bits!"
"Is having one of those days where he feels like he is just farkin' awesome. No wait, that is every day. OK, particularly farkin' awesome. Goddammit there are some things at which I excel. (Not humility by the way)."
"Civilization is not civilized if I have to get up this frakkin early in the morning."
"Had such a good time doing nothing yesterday, I'm going to do it all over again today."
"Another day, another ... ah hell, maybe somebody will bring doughnuts!"
"Working for a living ... whose idea was that?"
"Was, is, and always will be."
"Finds an enjoyable thing about the internet is for every retard making a stupid or bigoted or hateful or glaringly wrong claim or statement, there are thousands of intelligent people who can calmly and succinctly point out just how stupid or bigoted or hateful or wrong each is. (I am obviously not one of those succinct people; intelligent is good enough for me)."
"Says why do today what you can put off to tomorrow."
"Do you ever finish grocery shopping and think OK good, I'm ready for the apocalypse now - I could live on all this sugar crisp and alpha bits for a year."
"Overheard on my walk for afternoon coffee: (some girl) "well I am good looking after all"... and after I mentally rated her on the good-looking scale myself - 5, I wondered what that conversation could have been about."
"A surprise notice of somebody in my division - who started at the same time as me - retiring, and moments later here I have received an envelope inter-office ... which I am now afraid to open. Hopefully, unbeknownst to me, I'm not retiring too."
"Having won a coffee on my first timmies roll-up and nothing since, I'm going to blow my money on something with better odds - lotto max!"
"I'm feeling particularly elitist today. Anybody else have this great affliction? But since I recognize it, apologies in advance and in retrospect for anything I say and everything I've ever said. Are you supposed to actually feel contrite when you say that?"
"Has a fresh new haircut but the same friggin attitude."
"Put on some bag balm today. Everybody gets a free guess as to where. And no, the place is not in the name."
"Says screw this diet crap; I'm having fries with that!"
"Going to that pleasure-destroying, yet pleasure-affording activity -- work."
"Is taking a rest break -- from relaxing. If all my fb friends could send me $15,000 please, I could do this forever."
"Is a wild party."
"So a guy's tire pressure monitoring system has been warning him for a long time that there's a problem, and he kept taking it back to the shop and they'd find no problem and it would get reset and go on and off intermittently, and today he got a flat from a nail in the tire so I said, hey at least you can believe the tire pressure monitor today."
"Hey, has anyone else come to the realization that people are weird? Glad I'm normal. Wait a minute. If people are weird and I'm normal, then I'm weird, and I'm not weird, so I'm not normal."
"The neighbours were over for a bit and the girl waved and yelled "hi" to a bicyclist who happened by. I said to her, hang on there, I don't want everybody thinking I'm friendly in here!"
"I was in the Zehrs parking lot on the way in and two pretty 20-something girls are going the other way. They paused near me - I'm not kidding about this, it was like 3 meters away or something in front of me so I'm not a creeper in this. They were whispering something and the one girl gets close in front of the other and starts moving her hair gently from around her neck. I bet my mouth was on the ground by now. I thought for one second it was probably kind of rude to stop and watch but then I figured, they're in public, they don't know me, will never see me again - I don't f'ing care - I'm not missing this if they kiss. But they didn't - I think the one girl had a necklace stuck in her hair or something. My excitement for the day."
"The social butterflies are done for a few days. Time to cocoon for a few days."
"Here I grow again. My belly that is. P-A-R-T-Y time."
"Finished his x-mas shopping early this year -- 1:03 p.m. on the 24th according to the last receipt. Awesome."
"Asks if you really really hate some people (list will be provided when I win the lottery) and you really really adore other people - it all evens out right? It's all good right?"
"Wonders what it's like to have staff. I wake up and think that's it, I"m not doing anything today. Then I think of all the damn things I have to do today."
"You're not old just because you strain a muscle taking off your socks ... right?"
"Cheers on the stock market and the lottery. I don't care which horse wins that race."
"Crazy people at work suggested I only drink on week-ends to lose weight. (Or subtly suggesting alcholism perhaps). What do they think -- I'm taking this diet seriously?"
"Had a dream last night that I ate a submarine sandwich without meat and liked it. Just proves that dreams have nothing to do with reality."
"Says they better hurry the hell up with that stop ageing pill because I don't want to be old when I push the stop button."
"Says humour is my defence mechanism against working for a living. I'll think of something funny when I get to work."
"Wants to win the lottery so I can stay home and say 4 p.m. already! Time for supper."
"Strangers keep trying to engage me in conversation. What is going on here?! I've worked a lot of years to perfect the 'I don't talk to strangers' look. And somehow I'm quite good at the 'stay away from that guy' look for hot chicks. But today perhaps I am dressed particularly professionally?! Or is there some kind of season of friendliness or something going on?! -- J, the lovable, cuddly, fake grinch, H."
"Went to visit two different neighbours and nobody answered. Could it be they saw it was me coming? Of course not!"
"You know how when late night hosts mention products and they get those products delivered? Well, "Dodge Viper", "Sony 65" tv", "Dom Perignon", "Anne Hathaway"."
"My dog has crunched my giving the finger finger - this could be a real disability."
"Everybody else still has x-mas cards and ornaments and stockings up in March right? A what point do we give up on Santa showing up?"
"I think I might just give up on controlling my wild hair and go for the Einstein look. Same awesome IQ so may as well do same awesome hair."
"The dog has chomped down on the knuckle of my giving the finger finger. This could be problematic. Maybe I'll just get a poster made."
"Trying to stay awake during the work day, on less caffeine per day than ingested on the long week-end days, and I wonder how antecedents survived before coffee and tea, though I guess trying not to get eaten by siberian tigers or whatever would have kept them awake pretty well. *Feeling tired* *Feeling happy about no siberian tigers in the office*."
"Just like my ocd was and is bugging me that I could only get the lawn a third mowed before it rained - and now it's not "even", it's bugging me that I can't get through this mega-pack of froot loops - which are now pretty chewy - because I can't bear to throw them out."
"Don't worry everybody - I've put my dryer on HIGH heat instead of LOW heat - to keep winter at bay for everyone. Enjoy the respite."
"This may shock some of you as much as it does me, but apparently there are some people here don't read everything I post! I asked somebody if she had seen such-and-such a note of mine and she hadn't. Can you imagine my shock?! Though this not-everyone-reads-my-stuff thing could explain why I still have friends."
"Tylenol and pizza. Supper of champions."
"Damn time change. Whatever happened to the 1,000,000 strong for getting rid of the time change? That's it, facebook is useless. 8^)"
"Just realized that wow, I'm 10 years older than I was 10 years ago! Damn."
"Should find a way to make a living from apathy and sloth, but I'm just too lazy to try."
"Is walking his way to better health; or until tired of walking."
"Hey have they told the shinerama university students to not harrass people any more? In the olden days it was harass-fest! Like Jesse Pinkman 'where's my money, bitch?!'. But just now I passed a horde of them and all I got was a 'how are you' from a cute girl. And the rest are gabbing and throwing a football around. Damn I miss being young by the way."
"Says, "I'd like to phone a friend, please Regis"."
"Sings 'take a chance on me'."
"Says one isn't enough."
"So the dog got up, came over to sneeze in my breakfast, then wanted some petting."
"After a lovely shower, there is nothing more enjoyable than wrapping a warm towel around you - one which you obviously used to dry the dog after he got skunked last week."
"Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you internet. I love that I have objective and continual evidence that I am probably near the top of the human race for intellect (though perhaps not motivation or modesty). And I'd like to thank my parents for their... well, I guess it's all random luck through procreation over time."
"Does anybody own one of those chinese factories? I have inventions that need to be made."
"Once again, go to the stratford festival and sit next to some old bat who gets way too excited for the shakespearean action. I should bring copies of Cocoon and watch their eyes light up."
"Had a fun day at work. Except for the working part."
"Finished a tylenol3 and a big mug of strong coffee and I was going to bitch about having to use these just to get my ass to work, but I guess my forebears didn't have coffee makers and codeine tablets and they were busy working in coal mines, or finding berries when not running from sabertooth tigers or whatever, so I guess I'll quit bitchin' and go to work."
"I love McDonald's ... yup I said it. I am giddy and want the whole world to know. Good coffee and free. What's not to love?!
Doesn't everybody else see the fields of flowers flowing in front of them and hear the birds singing?!"
"In the utopian society in which I would rule, there would be laws against having to get up while it is still dark outside."
"The problem (or perhaps joy) of drinking while cooking, and not being a good cook - thus it takes forever - is that you're pretty tipsy before supper is ready."
"Went out for a rip on the motorcycle; now going out for a rip on the 4-wheeler. I've decided that you can really never have too much fun."
"Didn't get his full beauty sleep."
"You know how some people report that they become so giddy that they get addicted to jogging or bicycling or whatever. I just realized that I have the exact same feeling ... with eating."
"Suggests that there should no longer be 'sex scandals'. People are attracted to each other and have sex -- wow, there's a shocker. (Pun absolutely intended now that I think about it). Time to move on past archaic, conservative, minding-everyone-else's-business thinking."
"There is nothing like a warm house, hot meal, and a cold beer on a cool, wet evening. Ok there is something like it, but it's very nice nonetheless."
"I get a kick out of how many retail clerks tell me how to use my credit card. I really feel like saying, oh don't worry, this gets so much use I'm surprised it isn't smoking from all the swiping. But really, it's not 1952 - is there anyone who really needs a lesson how to use a credit card?"
"Is super and natural."
"Asks somewhat rhetorically, what can you do?"
"Loves that they make chocolate milk in those handy 2-liter single-serving-size cartons."
"I love that my septic tank pumping company sends me a x-mas card. I should put a bow on my tank lid, take a picture, and send them a card in return."
"Jonathan Harrison ?... resistance is futile."
"Says working for a living is the pits. Time to boycott working for a living. Who's with me? Heck no, we won't go!"
"Tells all you kids out there ... stay young."
"I was thinking for kicks, I might swing by a Chapters book store and put stick-it notes saying "too long; didn't read" under all the books."
"I was out helping a co-worker doing some field work, when he alerted me to a hot girl walking past. She went to make a telephone call on a landline phone. (This is getting weird eh). And another hot girl comes along and grabs her hand and they hug. And then my fkn alarm goes off and I have to get up and go to work! Where I have to go out to help a co-worker do some field work."
"I would suggest it takes an amazing chef to be able to hold a pan handle with his belly-button while cooking bacon and eggs!"
"Having hot dogs for supper is kind of like having easter ham, right...?"
"More dog walking, more dishes, more laundry, more tv. I am a wild party."
"Can't sleep; the day is too short to fit in all my awesome, profound thinking."
"Wants to make a movie. I don't have a set, a cast, a script, even an idea. Who's in?"
"Do you ever reach down instinctively to smack a mosquito on your leg, and miss, and think dammit, that was a waste - I just hit myself, and realize as the damn thing is still there you have to hit yourself again."
"Flipped my hamburgers with salad tongs - felt great ... somehow rebellious."
"Is making his own supper, so lunch meat sandwich and cheesies and chardonnay. Oh ya."
"I played jenga with my caesar salad croutons."
"What a ridiculous thing it is ... McDonalds selling some kind of vegetable wrap! That has got to be a sign of the apocalypse. That and the closing of all these kentucky fried chickens! What the hell is wrong with society?!"
"Sings, let's talk about sex baby, let's talk about you and me."
"Somebody in Taipei tried to remotely intrude on my security video ports tonight. Hey buddy - if you want to watch me wander around the house naked, you're going to have to give me $19.95 a month!"
"Last night we were gabbing with some folks and I showed off my Star Trek trivia knowledge - so, important stuff. Buddy IMDB'd it - not taking my word unchecked for some reason - and said something like, hey you're right. I smiled and said quiz me on anything. He said about Star Trek or anything? I shrugged and said 'anything'. Today it occurs to me as time progresses, I continually think I know even more 'everything'. I wonder when I might know actually everything - I have to be close by now."
"I keep thinking, "what if I run out of 'funny'?!" But then I do something funny. And hey, this is funny, right?"
"How many years of microwaving do you have to do before you get smart and stop pulling right away the top off something you just microwaved and scalding oneself in the process?"
"Sings, where oh where have the smart people gone; where oh where can they be."
"Continues to sing ... So up on your feet. Somewhere there's music playing. Don't you worry none. Just take it like it comes. One day at a time."
"The thing I like so much / that comforts me so much / I find so comforting / about my comfort zone - it's so darn comfortable! Why would I leave it?"
"It's an alpha-bits and vodka kind of morning, but I guess I'll be a good boy and hold the vodka ..."
"I'm just a slave to the kitchen - why do I spend 30 minutes making hamburger helper when I can microwave a can of zoodles!?"
"Sings, this is it, this is life, the one you get, so go and have a ball. This is it, straight ahead, and rest assured, you can't be sure at all. So, while you're here, enjoy the view, keep on doing what you do. Hold on tight, we'll muddle through, one day at a time."
"Sings "... and I'll take my clothes off and it will be shameless, 'cuz everyone knows that's how you get famous"."
"Back to life; back to reality."
"Hey hey - guess what's only a month away?! You guessed it. Another arbitrarily assigned point in the nebulous concept of time! Oh ya and a holiday co-opted from the pagans. Ho ho ho and the more you know. 8^)"
"Keeps movin', keeps movin' on."
"Just throwing it out there - does anyone use anything safe and handy around the house as a mosquito repellant? Like lemon juice or coca-cola or (hopefully) chocolate pudding or something. And nothing like the formulated commercial chemical concoctions (check out the alliteration first thing in the morning) which would turn my Einstein-like brain into oatmeal."
"Couldn't resist garlic dill pickles, a banana, some yogurt for snacks tonight. Perhaps I'm pregnant?"
"What do I call it when there's lots of annoying tasks to be done and I decide to blow it all off to another day? EVERY DAY!"
"Dammit - my dilemma is crush the mosquito and destroy this $250 monitor or let a mosquito go ... ah who am I kidding ... asdfa can't slfsljf read opwepoqw display asdopuiqewo"
"I just saw some guy - like 20 years old - tall and thin and fit jogging like a pro (if there is such a thing as a pro jogger) and said out loud (with the windows closed) as I drove past, 'save it for when you're 40 buddy'."
"Sings hi ho hi ho, it's off to ... oh you know the rest."
"Jonathan Harrison's hairdresser thinks I have a very important job."
"Forgot to mention that I was naked on the internet today. Commence exitement now."
"Says wow, nice sunset, now back to staring at a television screen."
"Got his social security statement today; still can't retire in two countries."
"Is eating. Such a rare event."
"Can somebody (else) please tell the wife that everybody knows there is *always* a million cats for rescue at humane societies.
Nobody in the history of time has ever wondered, 'dammit - where the hell am I ever going to find a house cat?!' ... 'or 50 house cats?!'.
Even Egyptian queens in ye olde times probably had slaves chisel social media icons of cats inciting people to go forthwith to the humane temple and obtain many cubit baskets of cats. And some husband was rolling his eyes."
"Holy mackerel, I sure hope they're not having hot dogs at the wedding reception tonight, as that's what I had for lunch! P.S. turns out someone I know is getting married today, which shows that there is a sucker born every minute. Totally kidding - I wish you all the best. Not that you better be on facebook at the moment anyway. 8^)"
"Gee, I just noticed that somebody poked me and it turns out it was 7 months ago. That explains the big bump in my belly too right? How did I miss a poke?"
"Is going to slip into something more comfortable -- bed."
"Champagne at 4:15 p.m. I'm not waiting. It's the new year somewhere. Venus or something."
"Still has to work for a living. How quaint."
"... drink, drank, drunk."
"One problem with being in a small household with very few breakfast cereal eaters - and by very few, I mean ONE - is that once you crack open a family sized box of cereal, you're eating that cereal for what seems forever. Lucky Charms is cool on day one or two, but day twenty-one and two ..."
"What's it called when you can be talked into buying someone a coffee for receiving a compliment - well anyway, I'm susceptible to that."
"I think today I shall eat, drink, and be merry - and hopefully play some pictionary! I shall be of good humour, enjoy the good, lament the bad, mock the ridiculous, compliment the gracious, and appreciate the chef. So in other words, it's just another great day to be me, and certainly great for others to know me (particularly if my pictionary partner)."
"Arrive at desk and one minute before work start time, already need a nap. How long till retirement?!"
"Thanks, my friend, for telling your buddy at the bar that I am very intelligent. And it is true, as I told the guy. However, if you could tell more chicks that and send them my way, and not dudes. Thanks."
"When I asked for butter, the McDonald's lady asked if I wanted margarine or butter and I said with a chuckle, butter, I want the good stuff, but I was thinking do I look like a health food nut when I'm getting a 400-calorie muffin with my coffee."
"Asks how you get a groupie without being a musician, actor, or pretty much anything that anybody is interested in. In which anyone is interested. Hey, how about a grammar nut?"
"I often get annoyed when I find myself daydreaming about work when I'm in the shower. But then I figure fair's fair because I often find myself daydreaming about showering when I'm at work."
"Would like to play Dan Fielding in the movie. Or should I just forget the movie."
"Is there a limit to the number of chips you can jam in your mouth at once before it is uncouth - or it a free-for-all and as many as you can ram in?"
"Got a hair cut. How beautiful am I now? Well at least I'm beautiful inside!"
"Do you ever get slowed down by some idiot in your way and then have the fuzz come by the other way, and think excellent timing, and you want to lay on the horn and flash your lights at the officer so he/she sees you were actually going slowly?!"
"Finds it turns out I've been running on caffeine for the past 16 or so years of my career -- only had 1.25 coffees today and needed a nap after supper and a beer."
"Waiting in a doctor's office this morning and the older guy sitting across from me was wearing white shoes (with blue highlights) and white socks with dark blue pants and white shirt with blue highlights. Now all the girls have told me I can't wear white socks and shoes. Admittedly this is not my strong suit - dressing myself - but the guy looked well co-ordinated to me. So what's the deal? How come he gets to and all the girls in my life won't let me. I want to go back to white socks and shoes again."
"Well, everyone is very, very lucky. I've decided that on my 90th birthday* I'm going to make my page public and post everything I've written. Lewis Black and many others (who will be long dead unfortunately) with similar biting satire would have been proud. But everyone will have to wait, sorry.
*if I make it that long"
"Is there a 'cheezies delivery' option. Who wants to bring me a bag of cheezies?!"
"This new alcoholic root beer = AWESOME.
Anybody else having issues with wasps this summer? I've discovered a non-poisonous and fun way to get these little m-f'ers to abandon ship. Vinegar and baking soda combination. (Oh and don't harm honeybees or bumblebees; they are the good guys)."
"You know you've given up when you choose porridge over frosted flakes ..."
"Is so close to perfect, I'm going to call the difference negligible."
"Slightly OCD / slightly drunk people should not cook a couple dozen scallops - turning them all individually is a nightmare. As is typing 'individually'."
"A lady at work said that the new guy is pretty funny. I said but not funnier than me right. And she said ya he is. I said I won't let that happen; I'll be working on my comedy routine on the week-end here. Also, it's not true that there is somebody at work funnier than me. Not possible. Ya, the more I stew about it - ya there's no way he's funnier!"
"The blackberry predictive text is hilarious ... I was telling somebody I was 'having a coffee and about to hit the' ... and option 1 was 'gym' and option 2 was 'road'. Ya, it wasn't option 1! The gym - hilarious - I have heard of this place. 8^)"
"Is a mythbuster too -- I just don't have the California television budget."
"OK so think about this one with me ... I'm making coffee and I spilled coffee grounds on the floor and got some paper towels and ran them under hot water to be able to pick up said coffee grounds and as I was wiping it all up I got thinking, hey aren't I just making coffee here?"
"It was seemingly forever for my coffee to finish, so I plugged in the tea kettle and watched it, since 'a watched pot never boils', and lo and behold the coffee was done. (That's an attempt at a pre-coffee joke, in case anyone was wondering)."
"Damn I wish it was possible to drink coffee and have a nap at the same time."
"I'm sitting here lamenting the upcoming calories of my McDonald's 'fruit and fiber' muffin, and thinking maybe it should be called 'fat and butter'. No breakfast yet so I'll hold back the guilt till I finish it."
"Well the wife said I'm funny 60% of the time; I said I thought more like 90%. But 60% is good enough for me; I'm going to say I'm officially a comic. I think she has become so accustomed to constant clever humour, that she doesn't recognize how impressive I am. Akin to have having steak and lobster and champagne night after night after night. It's still awesome, but you get immune to the greatness. Just imagine if you got to live with me day after day after day!"
"Saw a new sign on drive in this morning: "Pain Relief / Walk-In-Clinic". I just found those two things a bit incongruous - pain / walking. Or maybe I just need more coffee."
"We went out tonight and I tried a new wine and my first impression was a novel bouquet shall we say - cat whiz. Wife thinks it was peaches. I still say cat whiz. However, as it turns out, drink enough of it and it tastes great no matter what."
"Jonathan Harrison's newly coined expression is 'garbage in, perfection out.' (tm)."
"Is heading off to act his role in the big production. Time to put on the mask."
"Don't suppose there's something called "obsessive-lazy"? (If not I call (tm).) And more importantly, is there a high-paying job where this is valued?"
"The only really annoying thing about hallowe'en? You have to keep your clothes on till after all the trick-or-treaters are gone. Or, I wonder if I could just tell everyone that "au naturel" is a kind of costume?"
"I have invented the social network for Star Trek times. 'Spacebook'. (c) JLH 2015"
"I thought for a sec that I put too much baileys in my coffee ... then I wondered if that's really even possible anyway."
"Champagne and roses at 5, or rather, whiskey and cheerios."
"The wife seems to think some of my favourite shirts would be better suited for cleaning off excess chain lube from my motorcycle."
"McDonald's, of *course* I want ketchup - thanks for not ever asking; and wife, this status is totally random as of *course* I'm having salad for lunch."
"You know how you sometimes come across something in the store and you think, "I could probably use that", and you buy it and then it sits in your garage for NINE years? Well I finally opened the plastic packaging for my NEW (in 2007) digital outdoor water timer! I'm so excited."
"If you tamp down your bacon with paper towels after pulling it from the pan, that makes it low-fat right?"
"Holy crap, I thought I'd try stevia in my coffee to be healthy or something, but it makes coffee taste gross. Reminds me of saccharine. I'll stick with sugar. I'd try cooking with it but I don't cook anything using sugar, so secret santa gets a couple of boxes of stevia."
"Is drinking wine from a juice cup; oh well, who am I trying to impress."
"Has anybody ever received a business card thought, 'oh thank goodness, I really want this!'?"
"Observes that it's nice to see that not everyone in the city is a dick-head. Had an impromptu conversation with some joe at a gas pump. Now why couldn't it have been a hot, horny BMW-driving woman chatting me up -- then I'd be really jazzed."
"I got a few cookies with a half-sub at lunch. Figured I should really have the cookies first. After all - what if a meteorite hits and I only got the sub eaten in time and not the cookies?! What a waste that would be."
"Somebody I know has ants nesting somewhere in her house. And she has been trying to find them herself. She is lamenting the effort and cost to find and repair their damages with a professional.
I suggested I'll do it way cheaper than the professionals. With my trusty sledgehammer which I love wielding at every opportunity (well, except the extreme sport of 'snow fence erecting'!) Though what are the chances that it's not till the last wall I sledgehammer out, that I find the ants."
"Does anybody else go straight to curse words when the alarm goes off on Monday morning?"
"Reaching into your jacket pocket and finding Mcdonalds coupons is as exciting as finding money in couch crevices."
"Might go to bed early tonight. Or I might not. Decisions, decisions."
"I am an artist, who wants to reward the world with the prose and pictures I continually create and share. And I could not turn off the flow of talented creativity if I wanted to. And this outlet is my gift to all of civilization?. Oh, and I like to show off too."
"What does it mean if you pull a muscle turning on a light switch? Now I was carrying some wood in one arm and trying to reach behind me with the other as I went downstairs to turn on the switch. But the old "turning on the light switch" injury doesn't sound too manly."
"Is reading, but if anyone has anything profound to say, the computer is right next to me. 8^)"
"Is about to eat again - I love this part."
"At lunch I'm going to order a bowl of gluten with a topping of msg, because that's how I roll."
"So there's one guy left not married up here and he's about to get married. At a celebratory lunch today, we all talked about advice and tips and what to look forward to about being married. And once I was able to stop laughing and cracking jokes about that, it was a good time."
"Ever push return (enter) on a bbm and see that it isn't sent through the network yet and get angry and want a button for 'f'n send faster, come on, go dammit'?"
"Some people have to pay dozens, hundreds, thousands of dollars - and drive for miles and miles - to hear people rant, tell jokes, give insightful lectures, show clever slides. And you all get it from me for free, without leaving home! When I'm famous that all changes, so start screen capturing now."
"Want to know the only page on the internet which can keep me entertained and mentally stimulated for hours on end? No, not youporn - I only need 5 minutes there. My own page is the one! Can you friend yourself on facebook? Maybe I'll just create another profile and friend myself and click the LOVE icon on everything I post. Not weird, right?!"
"Important thought for the day 03-01-17: black licorice is the only proper licorice - all others are shite - like "strawberry" - pshaw."
"It occurred to me as I was half-way back down the 12 feet or whatever from the attic on the extension ladder - facing forward out away from the ladder - and seeing and remembering I didn't bother tying my shoes - that that might not have been the most safe thing. I really should teach the wife how to pull the surveillance cameras footage - for the inevitable America's Funniest Home Videos clip and for the insurance company."
"You know what they can genetically modify out? Those stringy things along the sides of bananas that fall down and tickle your face! Everybody know what I mean? What the hell is that stuff anyway? (No, this was not a test to see which friends have dirty minds, but if you have jokes, feel free to get right to it in the comments)."
"Holy crap - I'm so experienced (and evidently, so motivated) that I can unwrap a snickers bar with one hand while lighting a fire in the fireplace with the other."
"So I figure just in case the power goes out,I'll drink 8 cups of coffee now so I can have the caffeine in me to last all day. Sounds like a plan right? Shall I post the video later - if the camera stops shaking?"
"One of the cashiers used to call me (and everyone) 'hun' as they checked out. But last time she didn't call me 'hun', but she did the lady before me. So I was paying particular attention this time and she ended the transaction of the lady ahead of me with 'hun'. And I got all ready, but did I get my 'hun' ... nooooooo. :( I'm a hun too! She just engaged in regular conversation. No 'hun' for me. I'm going to keep going back until she calls me 'hun'!"
"I've just cleaned the air filter and replaced the oil filter and oil on the lawn tractor. Test ridden and all great. And I've replaced the oil on the push mower. I would say, 'who's the mechanic?!', except the push mower won't stay running. I replaced the spark plug in the fall and put fuel stabilizer in. WTF?! I imagine using a sledgehammer isn't in the 'troubleshooting' part of the manual - if I was to be so unmanly as to open such a thing as a manual. So I called it a night."
"In the ongoing series of my political promises / platform, today I roll out my next item: it will be illegal to end any series on a cliffhanger episode. Yup, for a series to be broadcast - or whatever the kids are calling it these days - it will require a spectacular and grandiose finale to be filmed.
Similarly, no series shall end too soon - like Firefly, nor shall it go on too long - like King of Queens (any more than 1 episode). As determined by the new Ministry of Entertainment.
Yes, those are American networks and shows and my Ministry would have no control over any of them. I'm still working on the details. I might demand the CBC just Canadianize them all and up the budget."
"OK all is right with the world again; the lady called me 'hun' this morning at the check-out."
"As I mentioned to someone last night, with respect to the 'pay it forward' thing. Maybe that will happen when I next buy a car. The sales guy will say 'oh don't worry, it's covered - the guy ahead of you bought your car for you'. To which I'll say, 'cool, the next car buyer after me - his coffee is on me'!"
"And the answer to the question "can you put too much garlic in a loose meat sandwich" is ... H O - L Y - C R A P ..."
"Oh if you see that LCBO has chocolate-cherry-baileys on sale for $2 off or something - presumably to get you to try it - don't be like me and think - I'm a cheap bastard and regular baileys which I know I love isn't on sale, but this suspiciously priced new stuff is - and get the chocolate-cherry stuff! It's crap. It smells good, I'll give them that. Tastes like crap. I don't know what's in there, but it's not chocolate and it's not cherry. And what's in there makes you unable to taste the baileys. In fact - does LCBO have a money-back guarantee?!"
"So if a girlie from Tim Hortons who has never said boo to me in the past says 'I like your hat; I really like your hat', that really means 'I want you; I really want you' in girlie-ese right?! I mean, that's the way I interpret that anyway."
"Is every customer service person in Kitchener sick this week?! And I don't care overly if one is handing me a lottery ticket while she's slurping back her own fkn mucous, but I do get a bit concerned about the one who is handing me my muffin at mcdonalds! But I guess the kids these days need to afford those $800 iphones somehow, so calling in sick won't help that."
"You know what's hilarious ... not really ... is having someone talk to you for a few minutes then tell you how he/she has been barfing all week-end. I kind of like the Asian trend of always wearing a filter mask; might try to get it to catch on over here. So the barfing germs don't catch on."
"Says let's eat, drink and be merry."
"Wife made lovely brunch of pancakes at my request ... and the whole house was smoky such that I had to open all doors and windows, and the pancakes had lots of plastic spatula in them. Mmmmmm. 8^)"
"Millie Dresselhaus died at age 86 today. She was a scientist and (as far as I know) did not throw around a ball or sing pop music or act in a sitcom - so you won't hear about her death anywhere. But she did help civilization advance."
"Here's what I got today. I got asked if I wanted a drink. I said I'll have a coke or pepsi. And she asked, is pepsi ok? And I'm thinking, I'm pretty sure I just covered all bases on that. If I'm willing to have coke or pepsi and state as much... but I just said yes."
"What ticks me off is that the instructions 'stir occasionally' actually means 'stir constantly or most of your meal will be stuck to the bottom of the pot'!"
"I'm going to celebrate my 10,000 steps today - according to fitbit - with a Jos Louis!"
"You know what they need to invent? I frikkin frying pan that doesn't keep warping in the middle so that it's pretty much a frikkin wok after a few uses. G-D things just spin on the stove when I'm trying to stir. I keep having visions of taking it outside and sledgehammering its center back in. Sure would make me feel better. This is critically important stuff I'm talking about here. First save the elephants and rhinos, then fix my g-d pans!"
"Somebody covered up the stack of bacon packages in the freezer with all sorts of packages of brussels sprouts and green and yellow beans. Good one (i.e. nice joke)."
"You know what the coolest job title in the world is? No not mine. It's American Cinema Editor. You get to put 'ACE' after your name. I want to put 'ACE' after my name. For now I'll have to stick with 'SUPERSTAR'. That's not an acronym - it's just what I am."
"You know what the problem with the work week after the week-end? Ya, it's that I wear baggy track pants all week-end and I don't feel fat - everything fits just right - then put on proper work pants for work and realize that ya, I'm still fat after all."
"Just wondering how to go about getting a butler - to do all the bs tasks I don't want to do which waste my week-end. But I figure maybe you have to be Batman. 8^("
"I was just remembering - I said something stupid in 1982, 1986, 1989, 1999, and I think maybe it was 2005. Ya, I think that's it for occasions of saying something stupid. Everything else has been clever, insightful, or a fast food order."
"I've found the trick to solving the problem of broken draw strings on your track pants is simply to gain lots of weight."
"A younger guy recently asked me how to be so confident (I read into it "cool") like me. We got interrupted by somebody wanting something work-related - crazy eh? Anyway, I just threw a piece of pizza crust from the far end of the kitchen to a dog sitting at the far end of the hallway at the other end of the house. It bounced once just in front of him and landed right between his paws; he didn't have to move a muscle. And I thought, f*** ya - I am so f***ing good at everything! And that short question from buddy came to mind.
(Also, pizza for brunch - also f*** ya)."
"I might have been hot today - sexy hot - lots of girls were checking me out. Or maybe it was so hot today - heat hot - that they were hallucinating. I don't care either way."
"You know when you get the voice mail at another government organization and their machine says leave a brief message, and you leave a long-winded message, and when you finally realize this, you finish with the words "nice talking to you"?!
Then you hang up and think, what an odd thing to have said."
""I was at Canadian Tire, and over the speakers was playing: "I always feel like...somebody's watching me." But it came to mind that it would be more appropriately played at strip clubs. Perhaps it is - I surely wouldn't know.
"Who's ready for the hates mondays most contest. I didn't win the lottery so I've got a real chance on this one."
"Kudos to my ancestors from hundreds of thousands of years ago ... drinking gross water from ponds and such ... I require three reverse-osmosis filtered ice cubes, no more and no less, in my long island iced teas."
"If my hands are shaking enough to properly brush my teeth, that's my way of knowing I have had enough coffee to get going to work."
"I noticed a clamshell pack of 6 somethings on a coworker's desk. There were only 2 of what looked like sour cream glazed timbits in it. I said mmmmm, doughnuts! She laughed and said they're apricots! She asked does everything look like a doughnut to you? I said ya I guess so - if you had a pile of carrots there, I'd have been thinking mmmmm, doughnuts."
"Lives by the old adage ... if life throws you lemons, put the facebook picture of you giving the finger as your truck's home screen image for you to look at and smile all the time."
"You know what's awesome is those single serving champagnes. The 750 milliliter ones. Just kidding - the 200 milliliter ones. Though one isn't enough. So it's not awesome; it's annoying. They need 500 ml champagne bottles."
"I have just learned through first-hand experience that manure in the air nicely enhances the taste of Guinness. Or I'm drunk and don't care."
"Kitchen garbage smelled heavily of fruit remnants, so I quickly threw in some bacon packaging to counteract that."
"Why am I still up ... and why can't I farkin win lotto6-49 ... and how do they get the caramilk in the caramilk bar. Just kidding, that's the one I know."
"Don't everybody suspiciously fall in love with me all at once, but I won $2 in the lottery today."
"Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'll go do whatever I feel like doing ... all the time [scripted tv] except for the working for a living bit [JLH]"
"I just gave myself a major paper cut under a finger nail while opening a pizza box. That's how excited I get about pizza for supper. At least I didn't try to get into it with my teeth."
"Have I bitched about hating anything lately? Well tonight it's bugs. I f'n hate mosquitoes."
"I'm not getting crotchety-er; I'm just getting wiser."
"I definitely need more groupies. How do you get them? And I'm kind of thinking of somehow just me being me and not having to do anything."
"Well sitting having lunch in timmies parking lot and nothing abnormal happening to blog about, so I guess back to the office, where there is always lots of abnormal..."
"I had a major hankering for chicken, so went over to Kentucky Fried. There is some new thing that is a meal-for-one ... and I confirmed it with the girl because it looked like a lot on the sign board / screen.
It is a double-down junior - fried chicken instead of bread for the sandwich, fried fries, 2 small pieces fried chicken, a bunch of breaded fried chicken morsels. Oh and a coleslaw salad - the only thing not fried and yet still not healthy.
So ... there's no way this isn't a heart attack in a box, so I'm saying my good-byes now. But it was indeed delicious!
"
"OK that's it - it doesn't need to get any hotter than this all year. This is perfect. Man, why couldn't there be a place on earth like this all year? And within a political jurisdiction that is liberal and objective, and no pesky bugs, and no dangerous spiders and snakes, and a whole bunch of other things ... In other words, why isn't there a perfect place?"
"Happy birthday all you municipalities out there! Civic Holiday - ridiculous excuse for a holiday, but any reason for a holiday is great, so I'm not complaining at all."
"A bunch of overworked and underpaid and totally ignored surgeons saved all sorts of people's lives in Toronto hospitals today.
And a bunch of overpaid, ostensibly "Toronto" millionaires threw and hit some balls today not even in Toronto.
Way to go millionaires who I don't know and nobody I know knows and probably none of whom are even Canadian!
So ya, that's really awesome.
"I'm cheering for more doctors and better pay for doctors. Maybe curing a disease or two."
OK don't all the girls come on to me at once, but I am wearing a brand spanking new shirt with buttons and everything right off the rack at ... Wal-mart! Actually I saw the price first and didn't really care what was hanging below as long as it was my size, but I figured, hey, let's freshen this awesome look.
Everyone noticed I had a new shirt - even guys. But I got grief from the girls now for not ironing it! And needing to wear suit pants. And a tie was suggested. None of those is happening."
"I was just telling somebody how our telephone system needs a button you push and it sends a loud "slamming, hang-up" type sound through, but doesn't actually hang up the phone."
"I saw something which made me roll my eyes. A woman pushing a baby in a stroller while texting with both thumbs. So pushing a stroller handle and still texting with both hands. Somewhat impressive capability, but OMG lady - really?"
"I apologized more to my truck this morning (for starting and driving her in the cold) than I did to the wife last night (for ...)."
"Two acronyms which always make me chuckle:
limit of locate markings in the right-of-way (LOL)
and
point of sale terminals in businesses (POS)."
"Scam alert of the day: seedless watermelons! Time to call my lawyer!"
"Hey - why don't we all have segways?! Wasn't that supposed to be a world-changing invention?"
"I wonder if I can sue if I pull a potato out of the bag and a potato eye jumps off and hits me in the cheek. Could my lawyer say that wine drinking at the time is not relevant?"
"It amuses me how many times a day I tell people 'but don't judge me'."
"One thing that comes with age: a whole bunch of cool new implements for personal grooming. I need a multiple outlet power tap for all the trimming and grooming toys."
"Do you ever step out of the shower and wrap a towel around and think, hey maybe I'm not that hefty after all. Then later put on some pants and think hey what happened in the past few minutes for me to gain so much weight. On that note, I'm now going to start wearing a towel to work."
"You know, perhaps the wife is right. She says I always make a big mess when I eat and today I somehow managed to get onion on my glasses while eating hot dogs at lunch. So perhaps she might be right."
"Thoughts for the day...
1) Anybody else get excited about a 1.8 gigabyte android update awaiting?! It's like a christmas present waiting under the tree - there just has to be something good in there. But I'm not about to use that kind of data draw over the cellular network.
2) I keep hearing from people 'I'm so tired', 'I need a nap', '[yawn]', etc. And I just want to say, you know they have this miracle elixir - and you can add cream and sugar to make it even better. And it's cheap. And it's effective. And it's legal. It's called coffee.
3) To the person who gave me grief about making a joke comment, I was just trying to be friendly seeing as it is 'social media' and not 'consistently ignore your purported friends media'. I have no idea if the retort was joking or not. I hope so, but if I'm a dick-head, feel free to unfriend me."
"Thoughts for the day...
a) perhaps I am losing weight - the darn proximity sensing toilet flushed before I even stood back; must have thought I already left - not nice
b) how do I know when my dog is getting a little too rambunctious when playing - when I hear knuckles cracking - yikes that hurts
c) how do I know when I'm tired - when I look at the shoes I need to put away and decide to force them back on my feet shoelaces still tied and walk them over to the mat by the door and heel them off again rather than bend over to pick them up"
"So I'm walking along the edge of the road in Stratford and over the course of a hundred meters or so are what appear to be individual unopened condoms... they're still good probably, right?"
"Says good night (Gracie, John-Boy, et al.)."
"McD's forgot the syrup in our hot cakes take-out; as I said to the wife, well they have only been doing this since 1955."
"When the wife says she wants to "veg and pout", she does not mean "netflix and chill". 8^( 8^)"
"I just found that if you don't clean the top of your fridge for a long time (i.e. dust it), the spiders make intriguing web patterns which then get covered in dust, which are in fact more appealing than the decorative trinkets from which they are strung."
"I thought one of my dogs was white - turns out not when it's muddy out. Also, house a disaster. When I win the lottery, I'm getting a dog-groomer - live-in, french, about 25 years old ... but I digress ..."
"Wife asked what on earth I have in my hand there, and I said an apple. Turns out she has never seen me have something healthy in my hand before."
"Holy rainfall amounts batman! Or is that aquaman?"
"JC - I just ate like 4/5 of a bucket of hagen-daaz and couldn't stop. I didn't see 'now with crack cocaine' on the label. I must be pregnant or something.
Also, what's funny is I bought it for the wife."
"Is in a training course. But I know everything. This doesn't compute. Error. Error."
"Is a jolly old elf. But not old. And not an elf. OK, I'm jolly."
"Didn't win the lottery. Missed it by this much [insert emphasis where required]."
"I somehow got sucked into a popular science or other site's article about why people should use jets of water instead of toilet paper. And I read through the whole damn thing and thought, that's it?! And WTF did I just read?! I just read a whole frikkin article about the merits of using jets of water instead of toilet paper! And I wanted my time back. And now you have read about my thoughts about my having read about using jets of water instead of toilet paper. And you will want your time back."
"A thing I said today: well you let me know if I'm ever wrong.
A thing I thought today: for heaven's sake don't friend me on facebook because I want to stay friends."
"You know when they say you should have eight glasses of water a day? Can you swap water with egg nog?"
"Is signing stuff. Sign, sign, everywhere sign."
"I'm so excited. I found an actual strawberry in my strawberry jam! Maybe they put one in every third jar? Not sure which had the better odds - that or winning the lottery but for today - small victories!"
"I need a stunt-double for my imminent dentist visit. I would pay top dollar. Especially if you can fool them with teeth that look like my previous x-rays. Oh and you probably have to have to act with the mannerisms of a pompous elitist too. But this kind of trickery is precedented - at least in the movies."
"Retirees and independently wealth people need not answer. Do you ever wake up and think omg I hope it's only still Sunday? Is it Sunday or Monday? Think hey, hey I'm pretty sure it's Sunday, and get a little giddy. Then you think you better just be sure and the blackberry says ... Monday. Then the next thought is you better buy a whack of lottery tickets today."
"Is bored with this routine."
"I wonder how many consecutive days, month, years, decades I can tell myself the diet starts tomorrow."
"You know when they light those cheeses on fire at the Greek places? I wonder if I can do that with some kraft slices tonight!"
"Live, lesbian action and boobies at Stratford Festival. How awesome is this?! How is one supposed to not call out and cheer? Also, is it ok to yell out at intermission, 'Hey does anybody here know me?'?"
"I'm about to go mow the lawn shirtless, so if everyone could keep an orderly procession as they drive by to watch. I can post it on youtube later or make one of those topless calendars if everybody wants."
"I read with wide eyes - (wider eyes than reading usually requires) - that realtors and potential homeowners from Toronto are camping out a couple of days in advance for newly released lots in Kitchener and Waterloo. Toronto people. Purportedly because Toronto-area home prices are insane. J-C - I already thought the prices *here* were insane. So what level of insanity must it be in Toronto?! And how insane must one be to commute from the Region here to Toronto? I'd have an aneurysm within the first week of commuting from apoplectic rage."
"I'm 18 years behind on this bold statement but I just rewatched it - Wild Wild West was a great movie! I loved it in 1999; I loved it again a few nights ago.
Well, 'great' by itself might not be the right word. Great for what it was supposed to be though - which is pretty much exactly the same as the original series - campy and goofy. So for Robert Conrad to have panned it is really astounding. The original series was the exact same tripe. The same humour; the same goofy characters; even the same blatant racism and sexism!"
"How are Cheerios still around when Froot Loops were invented; how did they sell a single box of Cheerios after Froot loops came about?"
"It's coincidental that government vehicle drivers have to take cyclical 'defensive driving training' but to get there this morning I'm going to have to navigate busy streets with ice on them. What if I need that training before I get to the training? Because presumably everyone has forgotten as of the day before the training - yesterday was the last brain cell to retain the information for me I guess."
"Hey - what year is this? I just watched a guy buy *two* newspapers (of different media outlets). I wanted to ask the guy - hey, are you from the future and you've come back in time and need to know what the date is? Because you're still conspicuously out of place in this era buying newspapers!"
"I am *SO* happy. Naked hot girl boobies at the Stratford Festival tonight. Ya there was naked weener too, but I successfully blocked that from my mind."
"I use my body so much walking and 4-wheeling that I think I might have to do stretches or yoga or something before I shower the next morning just to be able to reach all the spots I want to clean on my body. Come to think of it - same for being able to reach all the spots I want to clean on my 4-wheeler."
"Is so excited to wake up and find it's Saturday that I can't sleep (in)."
"I feel so benevolent - sending out all sorts of x-mas cards by regular mail and helping to keep Canada Post afloat!"
"Way more accurate and way less alarmist - get a barometer, clean your nearest window, and bookmark a good radar web site. Then block everything The Weather Network and Environment Canada post."
"Do you think someone might pay me a hundred thousand a year to stay home and take pictures of dogs, birds, horses, clouds? And selfies!"
"Just snagged the group's lottery tickets and the girl, knowing I work for municipal government and they're prepping for a municipal government-sponsored event out front, asks if it's true that Bruce Willis is just up the street.
I said 'I'm in municipal government - they don't tell me things like that.'
So you heard it here not-first ... supposedly Bruce Willis is just up the street.
P.S. to this - I wonder when people will get all excited like that for me - 'hey, is it true Jonathan Harrison is town?!'-kind of thing."
"You know those fad diets that people jump on because others swear they work - until ultimately everyone knows they don't and never did? Well have you heard of the the Kentucky Fried Chicken diet? OK that's because I just invented it. Let the fad begin."
"I just picked up a half-sub and cookies for lunch and started into the cookies first - of course - but a quarter of the cookie fell on the floor and I was so upset. But really, for the guilt I feel about eating those things - for the complete lack of a health value - I was thinking I should just throw them all on the floor and be done with it."
"Every morning I figure I can either wear nice clothes or just let my shining personality speak for itself. Guess which way I always go. Oh same goes with shaving if I'm in a super big hurry."
"So at lunch I looked at my calendar for the afternoon. No meetings. Cool - that was my deciding factor for walking up the street to get a sub with lots of onions on it. I did so.
Then I had impromptu meetings and discussions pretty much the rest of the day. Director Of Finance, Traffic Project Co-ordinator, Manager Of Transportation, three Operations supervisors! I don't think I've ever apologized so much - for my breath.
So ya, sorry about that everybody."
"There was lots of pizza left over from a lunch meeting at the office, and you of course know how pizza and beer go together, so it's super annoying that I had to wait all the way till I got home to have .... my fourth beer."
"I think I might be getting wrinkles by my eyes. This is total bs. I'm off to buy some clear tape! That'll work eh."
"Is thinking about things and stuff and such and the like."
"How rude would it have been - as a customer - to say to a customer service girl making a sandwich for me - 'Hey would you turn that s*** off [country music] - I'm about to try to eat this!'? No - I didn't and wouldn't. But I did chuckle to myself about the prospect."
"Since I don't want to ruin somebody else's page - where I got the idea - with my occasionally-puerile humour, I'll type this here. I saw on someone else's page a cool idea of covering one's fridge with reminder pictures of what's important in one's life. So I'm going to plaster our fridge with Penthouse centerfolds and pictures of cheeseburgers, gin bottles, a sports car, a big-screen tv, thousand dollar bills, me sleeping."
"Is remarkably awesome. It's unfortunate I have no progeny with whom to share my awesomeness to make the world a better place. I should be cloned at least."
"I got some one-minute oats. To try to be a little healthier. (I even had fish last night instead of pizza - though the fish was breaded, so ...)
I put frozen blueberries and brown sugar in the oats and it was ... majorly disgusting. I suppose one-minute oats with sugar and berries would have been good - if you lose the one-minute oats part.
Back to the tried-and-true ... FROOT LOOPS!"
"I'll tell you, nature sure ruins nature! F'n mosquitoes. I have all these nice swallows living in the nest boxes I bought for them. But they're not doing enough to earn that free room. Wonder if they'd mind being put on leashes and coming on our nature walks with us - to eat the mosquitoes around us."
"Bought $90 of chocolate in Stratford. There might be a few $ worth left."
"I have recently rediscovered afternoon napping, and I'm very excited to report it's as enjoyable as ever."
"Thoughts for the day so far: i get such a nice feeling from having christmas lights up that I might just change all my lights to christmas lights for year-round; I wonder if the wheel hadn't already been invented, if i would have invented the wheel."
"So I'm at somebody else's house doing debris clean-up -- long story but essentially I was given free firewood and wood chips. In roll some people I know from the area and some guy I don't know. I gabbed there with them while they sat in the car, me in my track pants with massive holes in the crotch, making stupid jokes about this and that, and when my friend who actually lives there came back from a quick trip I asked who the other guy - the one guy I didn't know - was. Turns out it was a frikkin Member Of Provincial Parliament from Toronto area. So I've been trying to recall all the stupid jokes I was making and in particular the fashion statement I must have made with my crotch-less track pants. I wonder if he might be giving me a buzz to come join his executive team any day now ..."
"I might go to a certain Shopper's Drug Mart store too much when in a 5-minute trip to get some cream, one worker lady stops me in an aisle to say 'hey, did you see your chips are on sale', and another worker guy says 'why are you at this till - don't you want your lottery tickets today?'."
"Hey - I'm the average height for the men of the Republic Of Mali - so there! I'm not short - I'm just in the wrong country."
"Yikes, what did our caveman ancestors do for sweet desserts after a meal?! Then the liqueur? And cigar?"
"Since supper I've had chocolate candies, chocolate pudding, chocolate milk. Ahhhh it's great being a grown-up!"
"Never stop to have a quick beer to reward yourself for getting *almost done* the housework. Somehow you end up on facebook and watching star trek reruns."
"Since I use the *constant* re-envisioning of Spiderman as my example annoyance with the terrible lack of ideas from filmmakers, I'm putting it out there that they will eventually have Benedict Cumberbatch play Spiderman. And after the fact that I will still watch it, I will take all my televisions out back and destroy them with a sledgehammer and take up golf or meditation or something."
"Man, the British blood in my veins runs through smoother today - even after bacon&eggs for breakfast - after freedom was restored to Britain. If it was a good idea to be ruled by unaccountable, dictatorial elitists from central Europe, Britain would have immediately capitulated in world war 2. Churchill is spinning in his grave that 48% were ok with de facto foreign rule. Wait, do those 48% even know who Churchill is?"
"You know what's disconcerting is just as you unzip and are about to take a whiz, you hear that long bird-call-type whistle from a nearby stall. You've all probably heard it as the default ringtone for text messages or something from a device I don't have - probably iphone or something. At least that better have been what it was."
"Stop reading if eating or pregnant with morning sickness or generally gross-out-able. I looked at the debris on the lawn tractor gas cap and thought momentarily, what on earth is that?! Oh ... a big long splatter of doggie dump. I was mowing so fast - because I knew the wife was making ribs - that I ran over and flung dump way up on the gas cap. Probably my back too, but who had time to look; those ribs were waiting!"
"Is it completely and utterly ironic (colloquial meaning) to eat a large breakfast of bacon and eggs right beside your blood pressure monitor?"
"Would it be overkill to get a raccoon off my property by chopping down the mature 65 foot tree and having it crash through my fence onto the farmer's field, thus releasing the raccoon? What if I recorded it all and put it to Benny Hill music?"
"I was feeling so noble. I came to work with 2 bananas for my lunch. But the minute I got in the door a coworker said, "so Whopper Wednesday, we're going right?". And I said without a hesitation, "yup, sounds good". I continued on that I'm trying to be good, but the wife saw me leave with 2 bananas for lunch so this will work out nicely. Unless of course I relate this story on facebook. He said his significant other also said to cut back, so I'm not sure men are good instruction-followers."
"A) I'm going to fight my coffee breath with the onions on my whopper.
B) if it's ever my day to go, I want the coroner to find whopper with cheese and bacon drool coming out of my mouth, and not some bs green kale concoction."
"I can't believe the wife doesn't want to feel the awesome power of the hemi. No that wasn't a euphemism this time."
"I just burnt off about 200 calories on a long 45 minute walk with the dogs. So now I'm going to blow that away by eating 250 calories in 45 seconds with peanut m-and-m's."
"Dollar Store ... for when Walmart is just too darn posh."
"After Daniel Craig is done playing James Bond, I'll do it - as long as I don't have to run or jump or swim or work long hours. But I'll do the kissing girls and making lots of money parts."
"So I got this alarm clock with big numbers for my uncorrected night-time vision ... half price at Shoppers on clearance ... and it turns out over the course a month it goes ahead by 5 minutes. Gee, I wonder why it was on clearance."
"I just spilled some toppings off my hot dog, and some bounced off my washboard stomach (...waiting for argument, hearing no argument...), and I thought, geez if I was more rotund, I'd have been able to save that!"
"Well how annoying. I took out some cash and checked the bank balance, and despite my best hopes, no one had anonymously, magnanimously deposited millions into the account. (Sad face icon)."
"Well I'm super proud of myself for only posting a third or less of what I type up.
Though when it all gets posted posthumously on my instruction, historians and sociologists and ethicists will lament that it all hadn't been made available to the masses earlier.
Like a treasure trove of never-before-seen insight, that had it only been heeded, the world would have been perfect.
But the world just isn't ready yet."
"A neighbour is supposed to get a police check for application to something, and we were talking about the cost and effort to do it - to which I said the easiest way is to gun it up to 140 all along the expressway and you're pretty much assured of getting a police check."
"I've waited until about 10 minutes before the thunderstorm arrives to start the oven for supper. Because that's just how I roll."
"Brilliant idea of the day: for people - like me - who hate needles and thus never give blood or get tests, when you get a paper cut - like I just did at the vet - you should be able to get blood tests done and give for transfusions right then and there. Brilliant."
"A coworker said to me at lunch, "You should work on your image Jonathan". And I laughed. I knew what she meant based on the conversation. She just means that I should be thinking about moving into more high level roles and should wear less wal-mart apparel."
"Suppose I might not be cut out for gardening when I get ticked that I got dirt on my wrists - even when wearing gloves - while planting three little tomato plants. And I'm only on the first one."
"I've been wearing white socks with black runners (hilariously, not at work) but no one had laughed in front of me about it yet. Interesting. However, a co-worker did tell me today she would like to point out there is a sale at Sears on dress shirts and dress pants that are of a quality greater than wal-mart and she'd be happy to help me choose some. Interesting."
"In my spam folder (darn right it's spam - no need here!), I see there's a sale on viagra at 47% off! Since I never have and never will click these things, and the return address is surely fake, what if a consumer thought that wasn't enough - what if he wanted to negotiate for 53% off? And what weirdness is 47%. Also, death penalty for spammers."
"Imagine a video of me motorcycling beside a small flock of Canada geese for about 10 seconds. Because for a reason I have yet to determine, the helmet-cam wasn't recording or the files are corrupted. I'm working on diagnosing. In the meantime, it was cool, and I'm sure you all have good imaginations. Imagine the coolness. 8^)"
"Someone I know who was just at a "wellness" seminar yesterday is off sick today. Guess the seminar didn't take.
"Well I've been up since 4 (which is really 3) and if I have a heart attack today - since they say it's more likely after the time change - could somebody please sue the US and Canadian governments on my behalf please. Because it will totally have been because of the time change and not the bacon and eggs I now have time to make for breakfast."
"Well the good news is I've determined the optimal interval between bouts of vacuuming the house is two days. The bad news is ... that's just never going to happen. Well, unless there's a lovely 20-something-year-old girl who wants to move in and do chores for room and board."
"I figured I would wear this shirt with horizontal bars so as to look fatter and thus keep all the girlies from hitting on me all the time. I don't know how I've been able to do it in the past without this shirt."
"Ask the J-man what's his favourite holiday. It's the day after every real holiday - when candy is marked down to fire sale prices. Holy crap, I got enough candy today for 10 hallowe'ens. Of course, it'll be gone by christmas. Or the week-end."
"I was talking to a nurse today - like proper, educated, working nurse. And she during the conversation said: 'people are ... well I'm just going to say it - people are crazy'. I always thought so, but it's a fair bit disconcerting to hear it from a health care professional."
"Had a chat with an engineer this morning about mundane civil engineering issues, which devolved into estimation of how many solar masses were required to make a neutron star and the effects of the andromeda galaxy and the milky way nearing each other. I love thinking."
"And then some people are indeed great customer service employees. At Kentucky Fried Chicken this evening the girl was gabbing with me about some assignment in her school course and was gleefully occupying my time until the order was ready.
On a related note, it's been nice knowing everyone. If I don't make it past tonight, it's because I might have overdone it on the Kentucky Fried Chicken. Though I passed on the fries, so I'm probably still good for another couple of days."
"O M G - you know you are not a morning person when you search the house high and low for your belt. All ready to go except that g-d belt. Where is it?! Searching, searching. Checking yesterday's laundry. Oh, wait - you're wearing it already.
"I filled out a survey today, and one of the questions was age, and one of the age ranges was 25-44, and my first thought was oh thank goodness I'm in that young age range."
"When I want to remind myself that there are passionate, intellectual, knowledgeable, hilarious, trustworthy, moral, insightful, etc. people in the world, I step into a house of mirrors."
"I sent a text message to a nearby neighbour after going by their place: Duck threesome in the low area beside your property. Lucky ducks! 8^)"
"I was thinking, that at the next conference I attend, I might wander around with a flashy mug which says 'world's number one dad' and when I am invariably asked about my kids, I'll 'say oh I don't have any kids; I don't like kids'. PS I don't actually hate kids unless they are hate-worthy, but I feel that way about everybody."
"Whatever the temperature ends up being tomorrow, I'm turning on the air conditioning. I just have to say I needed to turn on the air conditioning in mid-February."
"Last summer I created an MS Outlook task 'fall stuff to do' that contains a list of, well, stuff to do in the fall (season). And I have done about one thing a month off a list of about 10 things and postpone the task. Just saw it again this morning and considered I might need a better name for the task - what with it being mid-January and there still being lots of tasks on the list."
"I am very ostentatious, but even I'm not pretentious enough to use the phrase 'an historic'. When I hear that on occasion or see it in print, I roll my eyes and think 'are you kidding me?'!"
"Anybody else find it ironic (colloquial meaning) that they keep playing that 'Shut Up, Shut Up' song on radio and satellite radio all the f'n time. 'Shut Up, Shut Up'."
"Just when I think these dogs are so much a part of the family, I see that somebody has taken a big dump in the slush on the deck - and I'm saying it wasn't me."
"Well I'll be darned - I woke up this morning and found out I'm *still* not a morning person!"
"Did the guy who invented air conditioning win a nobel prize? He or she should have, that's for sure. Also, I'm about to bbq without even turning on the gas."
"I've been whistling christmas tunes all day - festivity or senility?!"
"It seems like just yesterday I was young and foolish … wait, that was yesterday."
"Some day I hope to grow up and be as cool as Jeff Goldblum's movie characters."
"It occurs ... why on earth would Bruce Wayne have an 80-year-old guy butler when he could easily have a bevy of 20-year-old nymphos as servants? I mean, now the whole Batman premise just becomes implausible right?"
"You know when people leave their receipts in the cash machine? Does everyone else just have to look? Like the whoever-person who ended up with a big negative balance after a big x-mas withdrawal before me today."
"Where does the frikkin time go. I'm going to start sitting around and doing nothing because all this 'doing stuff' is just making the week-end go quicker."
"2020'ish and the insane leftists rule socially and politically with undeserved sanctimonious enthusiasm. I wonder if this is a cyclical thing in Canada. Remember when Stockwell Day, Preston Manning, and ultimately Stephen Harper swung the pendulum back to the right? I wonder if that will happen again or if that was the last gasp before we fall into some purgatory of choices of left, lefter, and 'leftist' authoritarianism."
"Is there anyone - ANYONE - who doesn't hate it when scrolling through some random web page of just enough interest to have clicked there - only to be presented with the FKG annoying 'do you accept cookies' bulls**t AND then in a few more seconds with a pop-over asking for you to join whatever e-mail list?!"
"Today's 'there ought to be a law':
You know what there ought to be a law about - public bathroom air fan speeds.
The requirement would be outward suction velocity that at least mimics airline industry airplane toilets, and a fan blade impeller speed faster than a fkn hamster wheel!
If I can tell what the last few occupants of the stalls had for lunch from the air smell - and it's worse than the horse farm I frequent - where the animal occupants dump right in front of me - it's currently insufficient!"
"As I pulled in at the grocery store, a young kid waved and acknowledged me excitedly with: 'Hey Mr. Motorcycle Man'. That was cute and I waved. Then I spent $2 on a lottery ticket and won $3. It's all coming up roses eh?!"
"The weather network should do Canada a favour and just make its web site a picture of a crystal ball with the text 'your guess is as good as ours'! Of course they can't help themselves and there always has to be a red alert for something, so maybe a red banner with 'DIRE WARNING TODAY!' in it.
I mean, come on - a 5-year-old could accurately say 'winter isn't over; there will still be snow to come after christmas'! Now if or when the weather network ever can *accurately* tell me how much and when - more than two days in advance - and what remotely accurate winter total we'll get - none of which they have *ever* done - then I'll be impressed!"
"Even more thoughts for the day: (Is there any money in having so many thoughts for the day - there should be a profession, with tournaments, world series', prizes and such)?"
"A couple of days coming home this week the wife had satellite radio on and I heard about 'Hula-Hoops' and 'Xs and Os'.
So that's the nature of music these days eh. I think I'm going to have to make myself rich by singing about 'Ring Around The Rosie' or 'Snakes And Ladders'!
Maybe 'Boop – I've Got Your Nose' or 'PEEEEEEEEK'!"
"I just read the label for some frozen chicken wings I picked up on a whim the other day for some time (and some time is right now).
And you would not believe the "nutritional information" - and that is not a proper term.
Forget those who think weed should be illegal; it's chicken wings which should be illegal.
Those things will fkn kill you!"
"We have a new time sheet system at the office starting this week - or at least starting this week for me. One of the fill-in slots is 'reason for working'. I wonder how much longer I'd be working if I filled in: 'because that's the only way you'll pay me'"
"Since I was up early and needed milk, I went to two grocery stores in town which weren't open yet. I figured I'd just go gas up the truck and get lottery tickets. And on the way it occurred that there is indeed a relatively robust section of groceries at the gas station. It has just never occurred to buy groceries at a gas station. I bought milk, have drunk some, and it didn't taste like petrol, so there ya go. Buying groceries at a gas station is a thing. 8^)"
"Can you imagine a time before butter? Like - there wasn't butter!"
"A lady with whom I was walking the dogs this morning mentioned that she should really just join facebook. She has a number of family members who are at the age that they're having kids -- and here I interjected that she wants to join facebook to send her condolences to them, does she -- and that's where they post pictures and stuff. I then told her I've been trying to get *off* facebook for about 8 years. But indeed with monumental filtering and disabling of notifications, it can be made valuable."
"I was recently talking to a friend who is renovating the family house. He was adding a fireplace - the electric kind that is just a heater with a fake flame. This is in order to add ambience to the bedroom, and the discussion came about where he should put it. I said if you want to add ambience to the bedroom, put it on the ceiling above the bed where the mirror usually goes."
"Look out Stratford - doing the people of wal-mart thing - and I'm dressed the part."
"Doc said I need to lose 10 pounds; I'm on track to gain 10 pounds. I'm trying to devise a smart-ass explanation. In fact, I'm devoting more energy to that than energy expended in losing the weight."
"Standing here alone, I just ordered a six piece bucket of chicken and a ten pack of hot wings at kentucky fried chicken and the first question was: "is that for here?". Really?"
"Who would buy 'old-fashioned plain' doughnuts? Does timmies make them so when they run out of everything else, they can still legally call it a 'coffee *and* doughnut' shop?
If I'm ever at the stage of desperation where I think I might buy an old-fashioned plain doughnut, I'm not - I'm just going to leave and get some fries from McDonalds!
I probably had one in 1974 or something. And that was probably a left-over from when Tim Horton himself made the first batch in 1964."
"Well darn-it I just remembered something cool from yesterday on the drive home and I just pulled the dashcam memory chip and it's already been over-written, so picture a screen grab of a really cool situation out in the country with a hawk sitting on a 'deer crossing' sign!"
"Can you imagine if there was somebody who doesn't have any sense of humor and doesn't find me hilarious? I know, quite hard to imagine eh?"
"New scientific discovery by the J-man. You want time to go faster? Just buy three big tubs of yogurt with an expiry date which seems to be a fair ways away, and simply sit back and watch as time flies, such that you have three big tubs of yogurt to eat in just a few days."
"A few of us were talking about what it takes to become famous these days. Somebody said sex tape. I said well that's it, I'm going to start releasing my sex tapes. Buddy said you have to be somewhat famous already to release a sex tape to really be famous. Other buddy said no one wants to see that. 8^("
"Yes, I used the phrase 'that little dickens' the other day. Isn't that what all the cool kids are saying these days? Or I can make it an acronym and it will become cool - YLD."
"Somebody at work posted on the internal message board a picture of the new Canadian $10 bill and discussion about its meaning. I wanted to reply that I’ve run out of purple ink and jammed up the photocopier trying to print off as many copies of his post as possible!"
"When future archaeologists scour the lands around here, they're sure going to wonder about some guy who has prescription sunglasses scattered all about the landscape! I just don't know how I can lose so many sunglasses. It's crazy."
"I'm not going to say who, but there's somebody mowing his lawn. And it's just a monster dust cloud following the mower - like the cloud around pig pen on peanuts! That is one serious addiction. There's nothing to mow. Not even weeds have grown in the past month.
How much do you have to hate hanging out with your family to say I'm going to spend a couple of hours driving around on dormant grass doing absolutely nothing of value?"
"Thoughts after a triple gin&tonic:
I'm thinking it would be wise to bail on trying to maintain the mulberry bush I planted this spring. I've been watering it meticulously and without fail daily because of all fkn years, it's the driest on record - of course. But I'm not giving up. I will not give up. I don't care if it's a stick dry enough for kindling in the fall - I'm going to keep watering it. There might be one tenacious fiber of root still alive down there!
So thank Thor or the lucky stars or somebody or some thing! We are listening to the revampled local radio station, and I haven't heard word one about (or any song from) that complete fkn retard Justin B. Has he gone off to musical oblivion finally?!
Does anyone anywhere other than the Olympians themselves care about the Olympics any more?"
"Ahhhhh, when where you're eating cereal and wandering over to the bay window to enjoy a spring morning and you are caught in the gaze of two sparrows copulating in the bushes."
"Just so everyone knows ... slathering vanilla extract all over yourself *does not* keep the mosquitoes at bay. Not at all. However, I do smell absolutely divine at the moment. Just ignore all the blood spatter from the smacking of mosquitoes. Tomorrow I try something different."
"So it turns out when you buy a whole cherry pie at no frills for $2.50, you shouldn't expect any actual cherries in it. 8^("
"I was talking to a guy at work about work-related stuff of all things. And I referenced something I saw on linkedin. I asked if he was on linkedin. He said no and not on Facebook either. I was thinking damn man, you must be one of those people who has lives."
"Hey - if I just spilled very hot coffee all over my own leg at home, can I sue Proctor-Silex or Hamilton-Beach or whoever?! Or what the heck - even McDonalds?! Nah, I could never sue McDonalds - I love them too much."
"No point in kissing my ass yet; I didn't win the lottery last night as it turns out."
"You know you watch too much star trek when at the office you say 'keep me apprised' and your next inclination is to continue, 'Picard out.'!"
"Baseball is just like sex; it's great fun to play, but I wouldn't pay hundreds of dollars for a ticket to go see a bunch of Americans do it in a stadium for three hours.
Baseball is just like sex; it induces great fervor, but I wouldn't want to watch a bunch of Americans do it on TV for three hours. Well ... maybe - but not with commercial breaks!"
"I saw my newest hero the other day at Shoppers Drug Mart. Buddy was wearing a proper-sized 'Star Trek Next Generation'-vintage communicator on his coat. Of course, it took much research to find that out because of course I wouldn't have recognized it immediately - ya I did! I didn't say a word because I don't want it to be like a club or something, but buddy is cool."
"Hey, when they say 'it's noon somewhere', they're actually talking about here right now. Somewhere somebody is allowed to drink because of me. Ya, that's it."
"The wife lined the bathroom garbage container with a take-out bag from Swiss Chalet. MMMMmmmm - nothing like a good long whiff of roast chicken when you're taking a good long whiz."
"I mean who runs out of ketchup at home? Nobody. Ever. Everybody has like 5 bottles in the cupboard at any given time right? Darn it - how did we let this happen?"
"Just thinking - who wouldn't want extra strength .... anything? Try to think of any product where you wouldn't just want extra strength. You can't can you?! So why do they make regular strength anything? Or would then extra strength just be regular strength?"
"I really think I've hit on a great venture here - with the live titillating Shakespeare-era-set plays. Not obscene - artsy - for the well-cultured crowd. Still, I'm sure my clientele, errrr, audiences won't mind historical anachronisms like pizza-delivery girls with skimpy outfits. "Here is the pizza ye doth ordereth". That's as far as I've gotten on the dialogue aspect; I've focused mainly on the visuals so far."
"Day 2 of helpful hints rather than reasons I'm happy (or whatever I was doing). a) With age comes forgefulness, like what your statuses were about. b) If you're a coffee drinker, and if your cholesterol is ok or you have been given only 6 months to live or something, go get a carton of 35% whipping cream and use it as creamer for your coffee. You will be in heaven. And if your cholesterol is bad, perhaps sooner than later. c) Heaven is of course a ridiculous myth. d) I don't know - brush your teeth, have lots of sex, drink and smoke once in a while."
"Damn - I put this lovely NASA starfield as my blackberry background, and I thought I'd get used to it but I just keep thinking there are all sorts of flecks of stuff on the display and I keep trying to wipe away stars."
"You know how sometimes you get a fleeting crazy thought in your head, then your normal self takes over? Well, I was hungry just before lunch and for some reason my mind briefly thought, you know, I should have a bunch of vegetables, or a salad. But then I thought who the hell am I, and went to McDonalds!"
"There are a great number of things I can say with near-complete surety that I won't do in this lifetime.
Go bungee-jumping, buy a compact car, respect any religions, enjoy salads, become a parent, listen to country music, own a cat, and so much more.
Today I'm adding 'play pokemon go' to the list."
"Every time I plant a new tree and dig down, I think to myself: maybe this is the time I find buried treasure!"
"I must report there was a nice side-effect - besides the cathartic aspect - of mass unloading of a bunch of faux-friends the other day. Now that I have fewer people on the 'friends' list, I see more posts of people with whom I enjoy mutual interaction. Coincidentally - the defintion of friendship. Facebook should limit people to 25 'friends' and after that one has to start a 'group'."
"Yikes, when I had stepped away, the wife saw my computer screen I left up where I was surfing. No not pornos ... she doesn't care about that ... it was models though ... Dodge Challenger models and specs."
"I cleaned up the ditch along the road between me and the neighbours on both sides. There was a lot of junk from the complete a**holes from the nearby town and I mentioned all the s*** I picked up to the mennonite(ish) neighbour and he said 'the pigs', but he said it in such a way that I translated it from mennonite english to 'the motherf***ers' in the vernacular."
"My new pesonal slogan - 'Better than drugs, though probably even better on drugs'."
"I just had the most brilliant idea: purposefully concentrating to combine both my proclivity for procrastination and generalized anxiety - to just worry about stuff later! Cool eh."
"I wonder what the rated 'thread-count' is on my walmart t-shirts. Some seem nice and soft, but a little on the thin side - just like the wearer!"
"Just looking at the backsplash and wondering - how far up the wall are you allowed to get spaghetti sauce before you have to admit you are not a good chef?"
"I don’t believe in the need for 'sex rehab' - like the celebrities occasionally enter (!). Heck if I was a celebrity in need of more exposure (!) I’d put out (!) a release (!) and fake it (!) so as to get more attention.
No, I think a better business than 'sex rehab' would be a place where you put down money and have more sex. Oh, wait a minute ...
(!) Pun intended."
"Does anybody else get genuinely excited when all the dirty dishes fit in one load in the dishwasher?"
"I asked the guy at burger king if they still had the chicken MCnuggets for $1.99."
"Jonathan loves porno.
...
Darn I've been hacked and somebody's posting on my status.
...
No wait, that was me actually."
"I wonder how many liters per day consumed of chocolate milk makes one an addict. PS chocolate milk was on sale last week."
"I do love when you're washing your hands and your fitbit suddenly says you're done your steps for the day."
"About to teach some people a lesson they didn't ask for this afternoon. Inviting me to a long meeting after I had onions on my sandwich and had a large dark roast coffee. I think I know where the myth of fire-breathers might have come from. I'm not sure even a package of trident will fix this. (Also, who wants me now?)"
"I know what a good work-life balance is ... all life and zero work!"
"OMG I was bbm'ing the wife what I had for lunch and I got as far as "crispy chi" of "crispy chicken" and the think-ahead bbm software suggestion number 1 was "children". Ya, ummm, what scenario would anyone ever want to say "crispy children", blackberry?"
"Is still up ... unless you're reading this after I go to bed."
"So if you see this same girl at Shoppers for a few years, and she has straight hair all the time, and she gets her hair curled a year or so ago, and I say, "hey that looks really great", and then she never does it again, does that say something about my taste? I hope she wasn't thinking, "oh J-C, the guy whose fashion sense is from Le Wal-mart thinks this hair is great so I guess it sucks and I'm never doing this again"."
"Is not motivated to do much. Oh, I mean today. Nah, I mean always."
"I have Oct. 5 written in my writing on a scrap paper. I have no idea what for. My calendar shows nothing for last October 5 and I don't plan ahead to the subsequent meal, never mind subsequent year, so it won't be next Oct. If I was supposed to be somewhere with, or do something for one of you, I just got my own note now."
"Vacuuming the house yet again makes me think the African huts with dirt floors might actually be the way to go. Nobody's going to say the likes of 'man your floor is dirty'. Or if they do, it will be a compliment."
"A good-looking girl I don't know passed by me on the sidewalk today and she smiled at me and said "hello"! What does this mean?! I did have on a new'ish shirt ....... (and doggone it, people like me)."
"Says time for beer and tv. I'm sure it's the same in the royal family."
"Chatting with a neighbour friend and another friend of hers whom I had never met before was also there.
Of course I'm waiting to get to know this new lady to form an opinion. Within minutes she had said, 'it's just disgusting how people treat animals'.*
And opinion formed. She's nice.
* topic was about objectively negative treatment"
"Who else thinks that when you buy "seedless watermelon", they should in fact be seedless?! Who can I sue?!"
"Heard from a consultant today: "once you go multiple, you never go back".
"Says the more I observe, read, learn; the older I get, the clearer it becomes; knowledge plus intelligence equals, well, me."
"Well this is super exciting for some as yet unknown person. I'm back down to 99 friends. No idea who got tired of me - and I hadn't even typed up my latest rant yet. So as I mentioned awhile back, I had been contemplating buying coffee for my 100th friend. If they happened to be within talking distance of me, that is. So that pretty much rules out everybody who I don't already work with or see on a routine basis, sorry. And if they don't already want to be my friend, well .... 8^) So everybody can get excited again - soon I'll have my 100th friend .... again."
"I woke up this morning from a nightmare wherein I had looked in a mirror and I was fat - like really really fat belly - and I was super worried that girls wouldn't be checking me out any more. Then when I woke up and realized it had been a dream, I went to look in the mirror and ... well, I guess after my bacon and eggs and toast and apple pie breakfast, it's back on a diet I go."
"Somebody at work told me to do my blogs as youtube videos. This should be good! Hope nobody minds that I'm always nude when I do my best ranting. And I also rant at work."
"McDonald's coupons came in the mail today and I'm frikkin ripping into them like a kid with presents on christmas morning!"
"Those stupid 'captchas' are getting so annoyingly garbled and illegible, I will soon need a computer to decipher them - which most ironically is exactly the reason they were invented."
"E-borrowed from the library 'Astrophysics for those in a hurry' by Neil Tyson and as read by he himself. It's three hours and forty-one minutes. I'm not sure NDT understands the 'for those in a hurry' part. I've got astrophysics'ing to be doing and I don't have all day here!"
"Today in 'what amused me' ... a long training session with a group with one guy who said 'nice to meet you' at the end. And I'm thinking ... man I've been in like five meetings with you over the years. I know it's not very often over the course of my career but it's good to know that I'm not actually that memorable! I mean, I know you, your department, what you do, and even how close you are to retirement. But, nice to meet you too. :)"
"Some companies will offer a 10-point visual inspection. I'm offering a full all-point visual inspection! All you have to do is walk by! Ladies only. Unlimited time offer!"
"If you want to be annoyed like me, type the phrase 'only my opinion'!"
"It occurs to me that we haven't had a Spiderman reboot movie in ... what, like 18 months or something! What is Hollywood more lazy than usual these days? I had gotten used to the constant re-envisioning of Spiderman.
Ya, and I find it so appalling that they are so useless at generating new and novel content that I didn't even bother to see the last Spiderman ... or two ... who knows how many there have been."
"Having seen a shakespeare play last night, I wish to ressurect the term 'knave' for common language usage. I'm going to use it at work and socializing as often as possible! Shakespeare plays also have the word *wench* used a lot. I wonder if trying to use that more often too would go over as well."
"A big thanks to all who travel so extensively and post pictures with descriptions and anecdotes. This saves us great expense and time of having to travel ourselves. Now, perhaps I can make some suggestions of where I would like someone to travel..."
"You know that little bitter annoying stringy thing inside bananas? If they want to genetically engineer something, they can genetically engineer that g-d stuff out please."
"I get mad when I get a paper cut - this is supposed to be the digital era - I should not be getting paper cuts."
"I can die happy - (hopefully for not another 100 or 1000 or so years) - because somebody invented CHEESE! Yummm."
"OK that mio water-maker-taster-gooder stuff ... that just can't be good for you ... any thing that is a concentrated liquid chemical which can be made to taste like guava or mango or pomegranate with none of those things actually in it just doesn't seem like it can be safe. And yet now I can drink two bottles of water a night. So when I grow a second head, I'll just consider that I am twice as smart. Well as long as the chemicals don't shrink the first one before the second one grows! Oh these darn first-world problems."
"Whenever I have oatmeal for breakfast I think please don't let today be the day my heart explodes. I want to have at least just recently had a whopper with cheese and bacon, or bacon and eggs or something!"
"I mute the local radio - to which I sometimes listen while commuting - when the sports segment comes on. I was turning a corner or something so it took an extra few seconds this time, so I got to hear about the local team welcoming so-and-so team whenever, and welcoming such-and-such team whenever else.
And I considered it to have the same level of "why would I give a f***" as some local grandmother welcoming folks to her weekly bridge club."
"We were at a pita place for lunch and I saw the lady open a huge drawer which contained all manner of cooked meats and a monster container of cooked bacon strips. And I almost jumped the counter in a single bound. If there had been an equally large container of money beside it, I'd have still reached for the bacon!"
"Apparently my youtube channel has made me 37 cents! If only youtube money was the year 1880 value."
"I can't believe the Flying Dog in Waterloo was actually able to be profitable and stay open as long as it did. It was a nice spot.
In the meantime, hot chicks are welcome to come dance at our place, but only a few at a time please; I'm not super young any more."
"I was talking to a guy today who was trying to get his wife talked into something, and I said just threaten to withhold sex ... and we both had a good long laugh."
"I saw something which made me smile. (And I can mention it publicly since they weren't government workers). Is today bring your daughter to work day? Some guy was doing traffic control as flagman for on-street works, and over came an eight-year-old-or-so girl to help hold the sign. She was just beaming with happiness helping hold the stop sign. I smiled and waved as they switched it over to 'slow' and onward I went. I can quickly count the number of infractions I witnessed, but hey, she was having a blast, and the western world has gone off the deep end on those pesky 'health and safety rules' anyway. 8^)"
"You know how you go to pick up your pizza and the credit card machine is taking a long time and you get day-dreaming and looking at the girl and she snaps you out of it by saying 'ok you can pull it out now.'? I smirked; I said nothing."
"It really does just seem right to say the word 'burp' as you burp. Right?"
"I just saw a guy order a salad at Burger King. A guy. A salad. A straight face! What is the key combination for the 'shocked' emoticon?"
"India tried to ban something like 857 porno sites and gave up on the attempt a couple of days later. The great thing about this is though that I was able to download an amazing source of 857 porno sites. I've only been able to get to 2 of them so far. I mean, there's only so much time in a day after all. PS - my mother isn't on here right?"
"Remember that old commercial jingle: 'Coffee mate - makes your cup of coffee taste great'?
As I was lying in bed dreaming of my first coffee of the morning, I got that song in my head.
And thought how they haven't done a coffee mate commercial in probably 30 years, that I know of.
I wonder if that's because they can no longer find anyone anywhere who can keep a straight face and say that line - anyone who doesn't know that it's bogus that it makes coffee taste great.
They really should do a new commercial though: 'Coffee mate - will have to do if there's an old can lying around and you're desperate and you have a bunch of house guests who want coffee, and you realize that hey it is way easier than stocking cream, and you get suckered into buying more only to realize again next time that it is garbage.'
But that doesn't quite roll off the tongue the same way in a commercial jingle."
"It's weird to e-mail someone two meters away from you on the other side of a wall. But sometimes it's just the better way."
"JC - I've talked, by intriguing chance, to two people in less than 24 hours who - previously unbeknownst to me - have the same general attitudes about overpopulation, negligence against the environment, wastefulness of resources, pets are better than people, general population stupidity, the good value of 'Darwin Awards', and more - as I do. There are more like me out here in the world. How does that make you feel?"
"What an intriguing thing. The other day, a relatively new work friend asked, 'How old are you?'.
And without any hesitation, I said, 'I'm thirty......'. And I stopped. Holy mackerel; my unthinking instinct answer was in my thirties.
How does the platitude go - 'you're only as old as you feel'?"
"'Tis the season for girls wearing long pants, jackets and hoodies, and me wearing shorts and a t-shirt!"
"Well I'm pissed. I still have to do things myself.
I was expecting to win the lotto and hire some sweet thing to be our personal shopper and chef, and to come feed me peanut m+m's as I lie on the couch!
But I didn't win ... again!"
"'You are a very smart man!', somebody said to me on Thursday. Just reporting the facts. The exclamation mark is my interpretation of the strength of the claim."
"I was thinking I could send a picture to the girls at the office to get their take on my clothing choices of the day, but figured each and every one of them would probably say 'oh Jonathan, just throw that all out and buy new clothes'."
"Here's something very disconcerting: that old people keep telling me 'you don't want to get old'."
"You know how apps ask you to rate them? And annoyingly when you are in a fkn hurry to actually use them!
And you only get the choice to do it or 'not now'.
Well they should be forced by the operating system makers to have an addiional option for all apps of:
'not ever, and quit fkn asking me for chrissakes, I'm never going to rate it'."
"You know how they say to 'dress for the position you want, not the position you have.'?
Well I already do that - I dress for the position of having won the lottery. It also kind of looks coincidentally like an old grampa who doesn't give a f*** anymore."
"Thoughts for the day:
Somebody on the radio is so confident that he's got the moves like Jagger that he devoted a whole song to it. Ya, we get it buddy.
Buy a bag of chips and put them in the freezer before eating them and you'll wonder why you ever had chips that weren't right from the freezer. You will actually go to friends' places and when they offer you chips that didn't come from the freezer, you will complain.
Along those lines, have a box of smarties before having coffee with baileys. You'll love that too."
"Thoughts for the day. 1) You won't read in my obituary: died peacefully in his sleep. It will be more like: after ingesting a beer, two helpings of spaghetti, two butter tarts, then wrestling in the yard with his 150-pound dog, Jonathan's heart exploded.
2) I really should have been a teacher. Can you imagine me molding young kids' minds?"
"With that latest fb theme - upload the [x]th picture on your phone ... what if all the pictures on my phone are nude selfies?"
"When I retire and do my world comedy tour, I'm going to call it the 'well there's nothing else to do tonight and this guy's somewhat funny' tour."
"Wonders blue pill? Red pill? Blue pill? Red pill?"
"I was just thinking ... what a wonderful world this would be if everyone was like me. Let's all just mull that over for a while shall we ..."
"I had a dream last night ... ok let's call it what it really was, a nightmare ... that I owned a cat. And even in my dream I was thinking I fkn hate cats but at least it's keeping the mice at bay."
"Ask me if I suddenly remembered 2 hours later that the coffee cup I threw out earlier was a roll-up the rim to win, and if I did go to that garbage and dig out the cup and roll up the rim, and didn't win anything."
"I was talking with a guy from another department and he said something along the lines of:
'I know that sounds cocky but the evidence is there for all to see.' And I said 'hey that is something I would say!'.
And no I wasn't looking in a mirror or something - there was actually another person there.
I said I'm going to use that line - in fact I'm going back to my desk to insert that into my e-mail signature."
"Relish and mustard are ok to buy no name variety - but for heaven's sake, not ketchup!"
"How many of one's daily 'fruits and vegetables' does a few spoonsful of relish count as."
"I've just figured that I need a body double to go shopping for me because I hate clothes shopping so darn much."
"Says, trivia question. What do David Duchovny and I have in common. Answer = sex addiction. But don't worry, it is incurable; no rehab required."
"We've found over the years an intriguing thing, that the home-grown tomatoes look ripe and super red through the windows here, and we go out and pick some and bring them in, and they suddenly don't look ripe at all. Funniest thing. Must be the same phenomenon of problematic glass manufacturing that makes my belly look fat in mirrors."
"I typed up a beauty blog post which I won't post referencing another beauty blog post which I won't post. Suffice it to say I am brilliant and insightful. Just click 'like' and be done with it. I've saved you the reading."
"REACTOR batteries - very cleverly named; very deceptively short-lived. Ya, I was in relative high need recently for AA batteries and I was at Home Hardware or whoever sells "reactor" batteries, knowing that the non-big-name stuff lasts nowhere near as long as the brand name biggies. And I've been reminded again that this remains the case. REACTOR batteries should be renamed FLASH-IN-THE-PAN batteries. They work great - briefly."
"I read that 9 a.m. is the best time for sex. That's going to make things really awkward at the office, but I've got to follow the science."
"Never too early to start planning for first day of retirement.
Step 1 - wake up whenever.
Step 2 - laugh with glee for 5 minutes.
Step 3 - take a good long nap!
Step 4 - go buy a sports car.
... I'll keep thinking about how to proceed from there."
"Question - shouldn't people who are retiring have to buy gifts for those still working as opposed to the opposite?
This should be the case up till the point at which I retire of course."
"Unfortunately I'm probably going to be around for the day when 'Finding Nemo' isn't known as a cute animated comedy, but a documentary."
"Does it say you've been a little slow on doing the laundry if you go through spider webs to get to the machines?"
"I was talking to my neighbour the other day. And we got talking about a mutual acquaintance couple, and I said they are odd ducks aren't they. And she said they are odd ducks. And I said I wonder if anybody says that about me. And after a typical silence in a long conversation, one of us got talking about something else. It is only now that I remember that she never interjected right away, nor came back to the topic and said, no Jonathan, I don't know about anyone and can't imagine someone saying you're an odd duck. Hmmmm. 8^)"
"I said a whole host of hilarious things today - I was on fire. Just click 'like' in your minds."
"Yesterday I took one of our dogs into the vet for a visit while I picked up food and medicine. And unbeknownst to me and the vet ladies, he had whizzed on their paper filing. I guess when it comes to marking territory for other animals, it's the utmost in efficient to do it all at once over their files rather than go to each of their respective properties.
Even after many apologies, I got a paper cut from the receipt, so I'm calling the whole event even."
"One of the kentucky colonel's 11 secret herbs and spices has got to be cocaine, as I looked so lovingly at the left-over chicken in the fridge this morning."
"It has come to my attention that not everyone checks my page on a daily basis! How is this possible? I create more fresh content than the CBC! So I am just doing this for my own jollies?! That is total ... wait, I’m OK with that too I guess."
"Do you ever have a conversation with a person, and the person is really nice, yet later you get thinking, "what an odd duck!"? And then do you get wondering if anyone ever thinks the same about you?"
"Those store-bought frozen pizzas are single-serving right?"
"Well I'll tell ya - there is actually an age when your mind thinks you can jump off and lift your entire lawn tractor off a big clump of earth yet your body disagrees! I was actually able to do it but it surprised me when it felt like my entire rib cage was ripping out."
"Is there a keystroke combination that cleans one's house? Well, without having to enter a credit card number either. Just a 'push F5 to refresh your house' kind of thing."
"So we were playing some fun game tonight and I spent like a minute and a half acting out being a horse and turns out Sleeping Beauty wasn't a horse. Oh and along those lines, when drawing, turns out roosters only have two legs. And why does no one want to be my partner?!"
"Does everybody else have a good cry when they break an egg yolk when making fried eggs? Probably not just me right?"
"Do you ever see somebody you know who you really hate and want to just give two middle fingers as you go by? Or is that just me?
I thought, yikes that's kind of a juvenile reaction and inclination on my part; but I really hate this guy, so I don't care. But I just kept walking."
"It occurs to me that all I've had to ingest today was three doughnuts and three coffees."
"Pretty much resolves nothing new. Same old, same old. Still naughty, still all about fun."
"Is going shopping, yes shopping; the force must be out of alignment in a galaxy far, far away."
"Has all the answers but no one will listen. 8^)"
"Microsoft should really develop some code for the logins routine that sees that you're "close enough" on your password! Some kind of, ya, we can see it's Jonathan typing too fast and we know what you meant to type there, so ok close enough, we'll take it."
"Got to use an OPP SUV as a pace car inadvertently this morning on the way to work. Glad he didn't mind that I caught up to him pretty quickly."
"To all the Sears employees I perhaps scared today with a nice grey nose hair, don't worry, I've resolved the problem. Want me now?"
"'Dry clean only' is just 'challenge accepted' to the J-man! I live life in the fast lane!"
"Anybody else's household just pretty much pull clothes from laundry baskets every day since no one in the household takes the time to actually hang or put stuff in a dresser?"
"No wonder I never get cavities. My hands are shaking wonderfully first thing in the morning half an hour after I finish my first coffee and just in time to brush my teeth. Though people can be thankful I'm not a surgeon."
"Well, I tell you what gets the heart beating nice and fast. An impromptu walk on a hundred acre property of a neighbour with only a LED flashlight. And you have four dogs with you which are suddenly getting quite excited and scattering to chase something and suddenly four animals flying about becomes five animals! And the fifth is racing towards you and blows on by. In talking to the land owner, noting the location and physical attributes, we think it was a fisher."
"A postal clerk or postmaster lady, after telling me some bad news about a package, said 'sorry, my dear' as I departed. About 8 hours later here it strikes me that isn't calling someone 'my dear' more for 12-year-old girls or 88-year-old ladies? I don't consider that I'm the age or gender to be a 'my dear'."
"Holy crap - does Kathleen Wynne really hate being in power in Ontario? Surprise - selling hydro; surprise - photo radar is back. Are there any more surprises upcoming. At least there's a few bottles of beer and wine allowed in grocery stores - so I can drown my unhappiness. Never thought I'd bitch about a Liberal premier.
This is the third day in about five mail-delivery days we've gotten Swiss Chalet coupons in the mail. Do they somehow know how much I love Swiss Chalet? Does the mail lady want me?"
"I learned something new today and it was barely 9 am - I need a coffee!"
"I just got a new ATV and except for three pages of index, the first 84 pages - so 81 fkn pages - of the 204 pages are safety instructions. That is total and astounding bs. If I'm ever in power, Darwin will be the method of safety instruction."
"I've been progressively taking off clothing as I work outside and the temperature rises. Soon it will be a really good show folks"
"Found that a nap makes one less tired. Who would have known. Also, as you get older, wine makes one need more of those naps."
"I just heard one of the best lines ever in a meeting. The girl said 'oh darn, I just had a brilliant idea, but I've forgotten it now' ... and she was looking deep in concentration trying to recall it. And I said, 'hey I'm going to start saying that in meetings too'!
It's great - I don't actually have to have any brilliant ideas - just say I did and pretend to forget!"
"I am the spider-wrangler at the office now! *feeling proud* I took her out back to thrive and make babies by the snow ploughs. :) The ladies wanted me to come kill her, to which I said I don't kill things, but I'll come save her."
"Sat today for a few hours with a bunch of girls. Ahh girls. I love women. I'm going to reflect on this day. Though I may change some aspects in my own mind."
"An old guy of about 90 comes over to pay his hydro bill* and comes through my bathroom window while I'm showering, and after he pays his hydro bill at my sink, he tucks two twenties into the towel holder on my shower stall. Just like at the strippers, and to my great delight. Analyze that dream from last night folks!
* Customer service notification - customers should pay their Hydro to that department, and not drop it off at my bathroom. But I'll still take the $40 tip!"
"Does anyone else use the near-valueless cruise control button as an imaginary "launch missiles" button for when other vehicles are in the way?"
"This may be news to some, but I like to give my opinion - on everything. I love when people ask my opinion; I ignore the fact when people fail to ask my opinion."
"I'm just warning the general public here that I've boughten a bunch of cheapo walmart t-shirts and a couple dozen iron-on transfers and I'm going to turn all my awesome photoshops and statuses into t-shirts! (Maybe even this one). F-ya! PS - by serendipity, I've finished my x-mas shopping!"
"Since it's hard to be insanely clever every single day, here's one which won't make my comedy routine: 'If someone used to have a deeply held conviction, and got over it, can I call him/her an 'ex-convict' or 'ex-con'?'. But feel free to let me know if that is actually hilarious. It was a 3 am'er."
"I ran out of cream for my coffee at 50% of my usual dose, and was too lazy to go to the other fridge for more, so I used milk instead. And I got thinking about maybe I should do this when I get coffee out somewhere to save those precious calories. Perhaps the people who get half milk half cream in their coffees at coffee shops are trying to cut back on calories too. But I figured I'd just be kidding myself about the value of saving 50 calories. And I went and got the next carton of cream ready."
"Well that's odd - the chinese-made, cheap-ass, walmart-bought christmas lights I bought failed - what, a couple of weeks after christmas. Though I expect they probably said somewhere on the package 'indoor use' and they are out in my unheated shop. So, they're kind of 'indoors'. Who can I sue?"
"When I vacuum the place I almost feel like I have to immediately throw a party. That way people think hey those people keep a clean place."
"Anybody have a good folk remedy for major onion breath? Neighbours' onions right out of the garden are pungent and powerful enough to be rocket fuel if pressed I would think. I've tortured the household for a night; now time to torture the co-workers for a day. Also, who wants me now, eh."
"Either I'm pregnant or I'm just home alone while the wife is out gallavanting. But I had for dessert a cookie ... then peanut m&m's, cherry ice cream with extra maraschino cherries and whipped cream on top, more cookies, then salt&vinegar potato chips, then chocolate milk. And now I could really go for something ... oh I don't know, sweet."
"It's too bad there's no benefit to drying and smoking chives (I would assume anyway) since it is quite a prodigious growth plant and pretty unkillable."
"I just heard the words come out of my own mouth "but i'm weird". So it may actually be true."
"Says some day I expect to be very important so anyone want to join my bevy of groupies now to beat the rush?"
"Is in need of good help so I can be even lazier."
"Motorcyclist went by with annoyingly loud muffler - or lack of muffling - but the truly awful aspect was he was playing country music loudly in the open air! That's the part that should really be super illegal."
"Is good to the last drop."
"Is going to balance work and fun this week-end; nah fark it, all fun baby."
"Is thinking hard; smoke signals seen from far and wide."
"Had fun with the girlies at lunch; now K's having fun with different girlies for supper. P.S. now if they'd all get together for a big pillow fight."
"I love the lady who owns the pizza place - she always says without fail "thank you for waiting". And I never have to wait. Like today, (theoretically only if wife is reading this), I'm the only one there and she served me immediately and brought me my slice and pop and said thank you for waiting. I just smiled and said no problem."
"I got gifted a bunch of fresh radishes (along with other edibles) and I figured the only way I was eating radishes was on hamburgers, so you won't believe this but ... ya, it's not good on hamburgers."
"So if you drop something from the freshly-washed laundry on the floor when transferring from the washer to the dryer,
you feel annoyed because you have this need to wash it again, right? Call me crazy but surely I'm not the only one, right? I mean, of course you have to rewash it, right?"
"That's it! I've got to boycott mcdonalds! Oh not because of something they did. Because it's all too fkn good.
There must be drugs in it all. I'm frikkin sweating just having enjoyed a meal and pies. I think it's probably just hot in here, or maybe the circulatory system is starting the boycott already.
But that's it - going to have to make it a "once in a blue moon" treat. Unless somebody can point me to articles which demonstrate it's good for you! I'm counting on you folks! Even quackery articles will suffice."
"Don't ya just love it when a big piece of lasagna is saved by bouncing off your bare chest and back onto the plate? And again, who wants me now?!"
"It's possible the girls up front are betting on how long I'll live considering the food I eat."
"Know what is truly evil? Listing the "nutrition" information on the packages of bacon."
"I think I might dress up to celebrate hallowe'en at the office the same way I did last year! That is in Wal-mart clothing, as a government employee! Exciting eh?"
"I was just picking up some potted plants for spring colours at the house, and as I was about to pull away the older guy by the car next to me was standing wandering around with a tape measure with some of the tape pulled out already. I was looking for my sunglasses and not quite ready to go so the fact the guy was standing next to my door with a tape measure and just slowly moving about was odd. I wanted to roll down the window and say, 'Oh you won't need that; I'm a full seven inches'."
"Here's some advice for everyone. I'm up $5 in the lottery today and down $210 in a day-trade in the markets. So the moral of the story is ..."
"Family Ties is on in the background. Was it always obnoxious, or am I remembering wrong? Seems to me it was funny in 1984. Maybe not."
"Anybody know of a career path where one can be brilliant and lazy and still make lots and lots of money?"
"The most amazing discovery - if you vacuum the house, it looks cleaner!"
"I'm not a 'new atheist' - I'm a long-time atheist with new data, new insight, new memes!"
"Something just triggered a memory, and I now think that a year and a half ago a girl found an opportunity to hit on me at a Starbucks in Waterloo that I only go to by chance every few years. I wonder if she is still there waiting for me to come back."
"Will not fall in2 the trap uv using shrtcts while kybds exist."
"There was an electrical fire issue at a government building, and the alarms went off, and outside I noticed some people coming for a wedding and looking a little perplexed. I wondered - hey, where's the groom and isn't this fire timing a little coincidental?"
"I was theoretically on a self-imposed diet today, but that pizza was just calling me. There's plenty of time for diets when I'm dead."
"My neighbours think I need to relax. Well you know what they can fkn do?! Just kidding. They're probably right, but there's plenty of time to relax after death."
"All I ask is for limitless time, money ... and maybe good health, while I'm asking anyway. Is all that too much to ask?!"
"I see that quaker harvest quinoa granola bars are being recalled. Probably because it's false advertising because it's not fkn food! If I ever need to be brought out of a coma, just give me something called quinoa. I'll be up and barfing in no time."
"Planned pre-x-mas diet lasting all of 6 hours. I'm f'n hungry and going to mcdonalds."
"Was told that he has beautiful teeth by his beautiful dentist."
"Tried to like red wine (AGAIN), but even calling it medicine doesn't work. Still WAY prefer white."
"Those lovely chicken thighs, which I'm bbq'ing right now are a tease. (Not the thigh aspect). Ya, I want to know how to possibly bbq it so you get to eat the skin, rather than having a thin layer of charcoal on top of the nicely cooked chicken. Maybe it's a sign I really should just have kentucky fried all the time instead."
"So it came out that co-workers find I end my typing with a "flourish" and emphatically hammer on the enter at the end. One by one they said, ya you do do that. So I said it's the concert pianist in me."
"I've always been a non-conformist. Today I reintroduce my non-conforming, soon-to-be-trademark rumpled shirt look. Because everybody else uses irons and has wrinkle-free looks!"
"You know that show 'comedians in cars getting coffee'? (I've never actually watched it, but I'm pretty sure I can guess the premise). Well really, that is my every day morning commute. I just need to buy an inward-facing camera to supplement my outward-facing."
"I just spilled my stella artois all over both the incoming and outgoing x-mas cards. So anybody who gets a late x-mas card - it's not like I'm an alcoholic or anything - well I am perhaps - but this was an accident. An alcohol-induced accident ... wait, never mind."
"I came across some old lettuce in the fridge. And I wanted my hamburgers to be suddenly healthy by adding lettuce. And some of it was still green but crunchy and dry. And I said to the wife, I wonder if anybody has ever tried to smoke dried lettuce. I didn't and threw that part out, but I still did have the old wilted parts - again, to make my two cheeseburgers with the works healthy!"
"I started my diet today by not having pizza and chicken for lunch. That's one day - call Guinness."
"I was thinking of this bs weather and looked out the window to see a lone bird eating out of the bird feeder as it swung in the frigid wind. I guess I'm not going to complain when I can push a button and up goes the temperature while I cook bacon and eggs."
"I had a good discussion with my pizza and chicken dealer today. I said OK I have to stop coming here so often. And she said it's not like you're coming here every day. It felt like what it might feel like for a drug dealer to say hey man, as long as you're not doing it all the time, but I'll see you soon right?!"
"I'm thinking that candy bar wrapper makers, with mean humour, designed them to be crinkly so that husbands get in trouble with their wives - because it's impossible to open one and not get caught."
"Heard once in a while: 'Jonathan - do you only have a few clothes in your wardrobe?'
Answer: 'Yup'.
Answer I want to give soon: 'I only have one face - do you have a problem with that being the same all the time too?'"
"You know what’s funny? When the dentist calls to ask if they can move your appointment because somebody had a dental emergency. And they apologize profusely.
Apologize – are you kidding me? You just made my day! I hate going to the dentist. If they had called to warn me of a pothole on the road in front of their driveway, I’d have used that as an excuse to cancel!"
"Oh darnit, I found out about some Hollywood bs thing happened last night and I didn't get a chance to do up a graphic showing how much I couldn't give the least of a f***. Oh well, there's always next year."
"You know what I hate about honey? Only that you can't spread it a centimeter thick on toast!"
"Thoughts for the day:
* is it possible to get high from a BK Whopper, as I think it might be?
* if everybody could take it easy on the environmentally conscious oil and gas reductions until I'm out of some oil stocks please
* it's friggin 22 and sunny in mid-October - shouldn't that merit a general 'day off with pay' for everyone?"
"I don't feel fat until I put on clothes; so I know what the only answer is here."
"Oh I almost forgot to warn you people. I thought I would chef-invent something this morning. Mostly because no bacon was thawed, and we were out of milk for cereal. So there was some garlic bread out. I fried a couple of eggs. Put the garlic bread in the toaster oven, added some mozzarella cheese and bacon bits on top of that. Put the eggs on top. Ya, it wasn't good. As I was eating it, I figured ya I guess there's a reason why this hasn't been invented already and there's no such thing as this concoction."
"Chef-invention update. If you turn those pre-made garlic breads into mini-hotdogs, that tastes good. Also, I seem to drink more alcohol on days off."
"Why when you spill water on your shirt, does it always have to be just right on the nipple?"
"You really should be able to sleep in to when your body thinks you should get up ... well unless I need something like an early coffee, or hydro, or gas, or policing, or ... well how about I should be able to sleep in ..."
"I just saw it again! Some guy pulled out of a parking space mid-way in a sparsely populated area of a parking lot - after signalling. Then at the end of the marked lane, signalled the turn. I'd have been less astounded if I saw a meteor fly by. It would be like me signalling a turn in the forest on my 4-wheeler. Well, no grief to you buddy - good for you - but after what's probably the second time seen in my life - nobody does this."
"If putting an "i" in front of everything makes it cool, I'm changing my name to "iJonathan". Clever eh?"
"Already knows the meaning of life -- next problem please."
"Who wants to help me do the illustrations for my planned children’s book 'Why I Don’t Want Children!'?"
"Every once in a while I forget how gross red wine is. Then I think maybe it wasn't that bad and I try it again, and re-remember how gross red wine is."
"Really should be ruler of the universe. Or maybe I should just start my own think-tank."
"If someone could please advise on how to have a structured, analytical, yet blatantly self-indulgent and fulfilling mid-life crisis."
"If they could replace all the glass at my office, that would be great. It must be flawed as I see it makes me look fat in the reflections."
"Yikes, if the camera adds 10 pounds, there must be a bunch of paparazzi taking my picture these days. Or it could be the pizza and cheeseburgers. Hard to tell which."
"I think rather than playing cards against humanity on-line - while it sounds intriguing - I might just say what I really think about everything in my statuses."
"Just a banana split for supper! Because I'm a big boy!"
"Have you ever gotten a ride with someone and you're approaching a traffic light up a bit, and you see the flashing hand and countdown timer, ...7...6...5, and you know that if the driver would just keep up a decent speed - not crazy but decent - that you'd easily make the light, yet the person is slowing down, ...4...3...2, and you find yourself making a forward rocking momentum-type motion in the passenger seat and pushing your right foot through the floorboards, and time is like it's slowing down like a rocket ship nearing a black hole, ...1, and you want to yell out "GO" but the person sees it turn yellow and calmly comes to a stop?!
I wonder why my blood pressure is so g-d high."
"I missed a spot while mowing the lawn yesterday and now I can't mow just that spot because it will make it a different height. Well there goes sleeping for the next two weeks!"
"There's one in every crowd. Some old fat guy occasionally opening plastic candy wrappers in the front row at Stratford Festival. I'm kind of surprised one of the cast didn't reach around and knock the a**hole right out. Actually, there were some good sword fight scenes - maybe a little slip .... oooops! We'd all have cheered. Sorry old fat guy - there's nothing like live theater and the show must go on. (You dickhead!)"
"I very much enjoy when I have meetings with a group of other knowledgeable, task-oriented, focused Engineering types as I did today.
It was a very productive meeting but at one point as the one guy was rhyming off the possible scenarios, and he started with 'the do nothing scenario', at which point I smiled and interjected with 'that is always my favourite scenario'."
"Wondering - how many times can you repeat an mp3 before you're considered OCD?"
"How bad is it when you go to a pizza place and the lady grins and says, 'there's my special customer - haven't seen you in a while.'?"
"Only one hallowe'en guest so far. I have a feeling I will be getting diabetes around 9 p.m."
"Folks, I will soon be claiming my Nobel Prize! This morning I invented something for the betterment of humanity. Well actually for myself, but others may as well benefit. Just as you're about to flip your fried egg, sprinkle some bacon bits -(and by some, I mean don't be shy)- on it, then flip it and O M G. Bacon and eggs in one easy flip."
"One of the pages I follow has introduced a meme-free day, where any meme posted will be immediately removed. And they say they look forward to some thoughtful text posts. I no longer like that page; I fkn ADORE that page.
Memes - the final piece of evidence of civilization's doom. (c)JLH.
Memes - the e-mail forwards everyone hates on steroids. (c)JLH.
I think I'll make a couple of memes of those quotes of mine!"
"I was relaxing in the whirlpool tub, lying back and I got thinking about a beautiful ... SQL query I did up at the office this morning for analyzing road needs! Ahhhhh, what we dream about when we relax eh?!"
"You know how they say you should set goals and have realistic goals? (No I don't know who 'they' are). Well, I just solved my dilemma of "We should really clean this place thoroughly from time to time" with a realistic goal. I'll wait till I retire and have all sorts of time on my hands and then I'll systematically clean a room here and there. But I certainly don't have the time now, so it would be unrealistic to tackle this while I'm still in the workforce. Right?!"
"Stop me if you've heard this before but ...
Does anyone else feel this - on a Thursday you say f-it - I'm (and by default we're) having pizza and wings. But feel super guilty and gluttony, especially after wife has very little, and think well I can only do this once in a blue moon.
Then come home on Friday and ask what's for supper and hear it's the left-over pizza and wings and think EXCELLENT, but then immediately feel guilty and gluttony.
Since my heart and circulatory system in general most surely isn't built for this, to everybody I love, it's been great. Hopefully that "get-thin-and-save-your-heart" pill is almost to market though.
Oh and is it bad that I got out a celebratory week-end package of bacon?"
"I took in enough calories today like an Olympic athlete might be required to do. Guess what the flaw in this scenario is though. Somehow I didn't throw enough javelins or row enough boats or shoot enough skeets (or whatever - I don't watch the valueless nonsense Olympic games) to counter those calories.
I did do some serious television-watching though. And in my defense of some of those calories, 6 kilometers of walking."
"I just went past that show Hot In Cleveland on satellite and thought how interesting it is that that show lasted for - like - six or something seasons (too lazy to google) but nobody watched it. And that reminded me about my woefully small (but much appreciated) pack of regulars who like or comment on my stuff. Turns out some things can keep being broadcast for years and years without anybody watching. Hot In Cleveland bailed first! Not me; I'm not a quitter. Well except for diets."
"Have you ever worked with a bunch of people so long that you're just all super comfortable together? Like today when the staff meeting - which I was chairing - started out with a girl saying 'and if I could ask that Jonathan no longer wear that shirt'."
"Oooooh I was just thinking I should quit and go into comedy! Oh and I also do all my own stunts too. But then I remembered that I only have a hundred followers, most of whom have never even liked a single status of mine. Sooooo, maybe I'll keep doing a regular job. And thanks to the five or so of you who actually exert movement of the wrist to click 'like' on my stuff. I hope you don't groan 'oh what the hell, I'll throw him a bone this time' as you do it. One of you pretty much has to because you're married to me I suppose."
"We had the movie Elf on in the background, and while I didn't watch anything near the whole thing, and thus can't categorically state it was terrible, I would suggest the only funny part of the movie is when Elf drinks the 2-liter of coke and experiences the expected juvenile result. And the wife said, 'what are you 12?' when I laughed. In any event, I plan to re-enact this part of the movie at the divisional christmas party this week."
"I'm not a jealous guy ... OK totally kidding - I'm jealous of all sorts of people ... but going to to a retirement party sure does make me jealous!"
"I just had the shock of all time. I ran out of ketchup. I have been to the grocery store a couple of times lately and knowing the bottle was running low thought I should maybe get some more. But then I figured nobody - nobody - doesn't have, like, 3 or 4 bottles squirreled away in the cupboard! But it turns out it was our last bottle. So I had to use bbq sauce!"
"Does anybody know the number or percentage of humans you can hate before you can no longer call yourself a humanist?"
"Jonathan Harrison -- Home of the Whopper; Have it your way; Wake up with the King."
"Jonathan Harrison -- betcha can't eat just one; if you've got the munchies, nothing else will do; M'm! M'm! Good!"
"Is drinking after a hard day's night ... er I mean hard day's work ... at home."
"Wanna know what's truly disconcerting - when your coffee maker has power and everything seems to be working, but it won't make coffee. Wanna know a truly prepared coffee lover - a guy with 2 extra machines in the spare room closet ready for just such an emergency!"
"The wife listens to this newly-format-changed 'virgin' radio.
And I claim that is false advertising.
It should really be called 'did it lots of times' radio. 8^)
Or perhaps 'been married for a lot of years' radio. 8^)
Because they play the same repetitive stuff; it's a loop of the same stuff over and over."
"Is it just me or do you know how you're grocery shopping and out of the corner of your eyes you notice some old lady staring at you?
And when you look over to see what her deal is, she asks with a bit of a grin, 'is it you Dave?'.
To which you say, "nope".
Then she smiles even more, saying off towards another direction where nobody is standing, 'it's not Dave'.
And is it just me or do you exit that area quickly?!
PS Dave, if you're out there; there's an old lady looking for you."
"As I'm about to head out and get pizza, as I look at my motorcycle, it occurs it would be funny to show up at the pizza place and order 3 extra larges or something and watch their eyes as they consider that I showed up on a motorbike."
"I just saw a bicyclist make a turn signal with her arm - out in the country here. There's nobody else around except me. I'm so astounded I had to pull over to post that."
"Jonathan Harrison's fortune cookie says "everyone agrees you are the best", and fortune cookies are never wrong are they."
"Jonathan Harrison can see the forest for the trees."
"I've got the fire place going and it's +28 in here and -28 outside. I've opened up the window. Cancels each other out and I should now be perfectly comfortable - in my late-night logic."
"Hey, did you know if you pour your coffee right into the near-empty baileys bottle, you don't waste any that way!? Also, have to correct each word you type!"
"This grey and white striped shirt really messes with the toilet and sink sensors at work! The sensors don't seem to reliably recognize when I'm there or not. Really quite annoying.
Also might explain why co-workers keep telling me I need new shirts - I must keep slipping in and out of their visual ranges. Ya, that's got to be it.
Perhaps even the non-sentient devices I stand in front of are trying to suggest, 'hey buddy, it's time for a new wardrobe!'."
"There are very few things I look forward to about getting older but I think that there will come a year - or terminal diagnosis - which opens up a free-for-all opportunity. For example, if I make 95 years and it's looking grim, I'm going to eat so much burger king and butter tarts they will write articles about me (if such communication media exist then)... or obituaries... either way it will be the stuff of gluttonous legend."
"I said to the gang yesterday that I'm going to switch careers and be a voice actor! I was told one has to be famous first. I was dejected. Oh and 'speechless' or 'muted' or something."
"I think it's time to start a Facebook original series: The Wife Is Always Wrong. And we'll act it out ourselves. I guess with Facebook live or whatever it is, the capability already exists. Resurrect all sorts of ancient argume... er discussions. A how-to for bickering. Funnier than Archie Bunker and with slightly less racism. Should be fun eh. I've always wanted to do a sitcom!"
"I was telling a coworker I love my fedora - I feel like Indiana Jones - a quiet, nerdy Indiana Jones who sits at a computer all day."
"Thoughts for the day.
They should have defibrillators at Kentucky Fried Chickens if they're going to have them anywhere!
If you microwave popcorn long enough, maybe you will get a bag full of diamonds.
They should put rogaine in those paper party hats you get in those pull-crackers because the only people who enjoy wearing them are middle-aged men. (Like way older than me that is)."
"Yesterday I was reminded how there is a dearth of intellectuals in the region. It was enough to drive a man to drink. Today, I was reminded that there are indeed a few intellectuals in the region. It is enough to drive a man to drink. (c) JLH"
"My amusements of the day so far:
Walking through a health and wellness fair with two huge bags of doritos. Only a cigarette in hand as well would have been more amusing.
The fact I've been here so long I get on the elevator with a bunch of people and I push all the appropriate buttons for all the others. But this morning there was a new guy on there, so I didn't push anybody's buttons - so to speak."
"... gee I was going to offer a prize to the 100th person who friended me, but I never figured that would happen and I would never have to do it. Glad I didn't. Not that I'm cheap or anything. Right? But really - who would believe that I could ever get and maintain a list of a hundred people who would friend me?"
"No need for a special day - I love women every day."
"I am aghast. Some guy and I got on the same path when I was exiting a building and he was about to enter. I said, 'sorry buddy' - as is polite custom - even though no transgression had occurred from either party. But I got no acknowledgement or equal 'sorry' from buddy! And I was so taken aback that I immediately figured he's not a real Canadian, but an imposter! Who do you call to report this?!"
"This makes me think of inventing a new thing - weather sexting - like sexting but with weather. You show me yours and I'll show you mine. Wexting!"
"Is it just my finding, or is Honeycomb just not as sweet as when we (those of my era) were young? I find now it tastes like it might be healthy!"
"Conversation between wife and me at Canadian Tire this afternoon in the garden center: wife - Why don't you buy something which encourages the things you want to come around; me - Like hot chicks?"
"I finally got to use the (ridiculous) cruise control on my lawn tractor! And the headlights too for that matter. It was to haul it up the road to give away my past-its-prime bbq to the neighbour. Now it does have two wheels so it would have been interesting to tow, but no, I did use a utility trailer."
"Is wondering if it's ok to vote for oneself as dictator."
"On vacation and solving the answers to life, and it's not '42'."
"Well there is one thing at City Halls which always puts a smile on my face - weddings. And no not a grimace or smirk. It's nice to see happy smiling people."
"The wife thawed a half-kilogram package of bacon but the task for making bacon and tomato sandwiches for supper was mine. Well let me tell you what the secret to a wonderful-tasting bacon and tomato sandwich is ... it's a frikkin quarter kilogram of BACON! I mean once it's thawed, you have to cook the whole thing right? Holy f***, that was good."
"It's so hot out, even with the BBQ on low, the BBQ is on high!"
"I'll tell you, it truly does amaze me how many people drink just water - yes just water. Don't these people know there's coffee and pop and juices and stuff. But mostly COFFEE is a thing! So water? That's for previous epochs - cavemen would have drunk mocha lattes if they had it available."
"Do you ever think - that's it - I'm going to lose it and go completely reckless and ... put everything in the washing machine?! Towels, shirts, whites, sheets, K's frillies, snow pants. Just to say 'HA! I'm a fkn rebel!'. I might have even take video and have it 'go viral'!"
"Hasn't watched a commercial in 5 years and yet I still see all the blockbuster movies, drink coke, brush teeth with colgate, wear nikes, wash dishes with cascade ... abolish advertising and lower prices godammit."
"Walking off supper, and lunch, and breakfast, and a few hundred thousand meals before. Pluto and back. Be back in a few minutes."
"You know that feeling like you're being scammed, but you can't help yourself. Kind of like going to Shoppers and seeing a bag of chips for $3 when you know darn well it isn't worth that. That's how I think about the lotto max - well if the bag of chips was $100, you kept buying them, and you brought it back home and there were never any chips in it!"
"You know that show 'Beverly Hills 90210'? I was thinking what would really be awesome is 'City Hall M5H 2N2'! Just rolls off the tongue doesn't it?! I've never seen a single second of 'Beverly' and never will, but boy would I love to script and direct (perhaps even star in) a show for 'City Hall'."
"I read of a friend who in all these years had never seen any Star Wars. Yes, you read that right. Well, you know how every once in a blue moon scientists discover these hidden-away tribes in the Amazon jungle or wherever? Complete isolation and all that. I hear that when contact is made, even *they* have X-wing replica toys and Princess Leia figurines."
"And here I thought being able to burp a sentence was showing off skill."
"Do your ever come across some big burly friendly guy and look at him and immediately think, I'll just bet your nickname is 'Tiny'.?
But not say that out loud in case his nickname is actually 'Steamroller' or 'Stonecrusher' or something."
"You know what’s a proper breath of fresh air and truly alleviates feeling down - not watching the news on TV, not listening to the news on the radio, not reading the news anywhere, not clicking on social media articles."
"OK so I'm the love shop and the girl said "if I can give you a hand with anything, let me know". And I said nothing. It was driving me crazy. I think she was testing my resolve - will he say it, will he say it?"
"No, *fast* and steady wins the race!"
"Today's why I love my place of work: a girl was giving an animated description of something and happened to smack one of her guy colleagues in the chest - and she said to us all, hey I finally got to second base! She's kind of new but I'm thinking she fits right in already."
"Did you see the recent article about people still alive who were born in the late 1800s? Somehow I must have missed the part about bacon and eggs being the key to longevity."
"Do you ever shake your device and angrily say 'come on!' to your device to make it process faster?"
"Even if nobody reads my stuff now, I may as well post it for when the nobel prize committee and all the reporters and biographers and historians seek me out."
"I was saying to one of our dogs - how is it he is happy all the time. Then I thought - no job, sleep when you want, lots of food, treats, getting itches scratched for them, lots of petting, fun walks all the time. I'd be happy all the time too."
"I understand there exists this stomach-size-decreasing surgery. Well I'm considering stomach-size-expanding surgery - for the frikkin' feast I'm about to enjoy. Ah heck - may as well do it the old-fashioned way - with some serious EATING!"
"Due to the belt getting a little tight, I'm afraid I'm going to have to not have wine with supper. 8^( Instead, I'll have wine in lieu of supper. 8^)"
"Well I do find it amusing that a lot of people (and thanks!) went out of their way today to tell me about the ruckus about three girls going topless in Kitchener the other night (and yes, I was well aware already), and a couple more today downtown, and how there's going to be a 'reminder-of-its-legality-vigil' next week-end. It really goes without saying, I continue to support equal rights*, and wholly support these girls in this very important issue.
*though if I could, I would outlaw fat guys the likes of which I saw at wal-mart a month or so ago with a monster stomach hanging out of an unbuttoned button-down shirt"
"They have annoyingly brought an American sleep product to Canada so now when I hear the commericals for 'ZzzQuil' I have to translate it to Canadian and it's really annoying to have to keep saying zed-zed-zed-quil when they say the product name."
"I'm told there is no more Kentucky Fried Chicken outlet in Stratford. Could this be true?! And everybody didn't protest, or riot, or leave town?! This is total bs. I feel a new career opportunity opening up for me!"
"Does anyone else wonder if those canned mushrooms actually are mushrooms? After you have fresh mushrooms and then for quick needs go back to a can of mushrooms, it really makes you wonder. Kind of like a yellow rubbery substance that resembles sliced mushrooms."
"OK so I am out (with wife btw) and am chatting up the 22-year-old totally hot chickie waitress and talking about her classes at university and such ... and as I said it, I winced ... ooooh fail ... I made some comment about how I didn't have the benefit of the internet. Damn, she probably thought I was only 25 or so until that point right?!"
"I wanted toast with something on it for dessert for lunch. I debated peanut butter ... or jam. Peanut butter ... or jam. Then I remembered - hey I'm a grown-up; I can have both! I get to make these important decisions! (You should see how I decide the important things with respect to my government duties)! 8^)"
"I just watched in awe as two grown men discussed the plot point intricacies of the movie The Notebook - and advised them I'd be mentioning it - though I'll protect their identities."
"When in doubt get tipsy... and I'm so full of doubt right now.."
"So I saw Bob Newhart looking short next to Sheldon on Big Bang and googled how tall is bob newhart and it told me - cool - so I googled how tall is Jonathan Harrison, and it said "who the f*** is that?".
"Knows what The Secret is. It's to write and sell a book full of only pseudo-psychology, logical fallacies, platitudes and sophistry. He also knows what The Power is. It's what you obtain by selling many copies of the first book, allowing you to set your own terms for future works. Damn I'm good. And jealous."
"I gave away all my cache of chocolate bars to the party last night and now I miss them - each and every one. I gave away 16 last night, leaving 1 at home for me. Now I'm day-dreaming about the others - all neatly lined up on a counter, just calling me ..."
"Wife not home, so of course ... beer, pizza, chocolate-covered-cherries ..."
"Is there anything nicer that girls dancing?"
"Two girls were whining about people always wanting to touch the bellies of pregnant women.
I said, 'meanwhile I have to beg members of the opposite sex to touch me!'."
"Whence falleth this wet stuff from the sky? (We were at Stratford Festival last night)."
"Did you know that I'm the basis for Sheldon and Leonard? Have to be. Though I wonder how (producer) Chuck Lorre knows me and I don't know him."
"So ... with respect to the show Sullivan & Son, do the people in Hollywood think that it's been long enough that tv watchers won't remember a show called frikkin Cheers?! This newer show is a complete rip-off of Cheers. Hey Hollywood - if you are so desperate for a new idea - how about the zany adventures of a municipal government engineering type? Doesn't get more exciting than that, right?!"
"Is so lazy, I've already decided I'm too lazy to do something I want to do later."
"Oh TSX, today we made sweet, sweet love didn't we?! I took the money you left on the counter for me. Thanks for a lovely day."
"Darnit - I don't have any weenies to put in the kraft dinner for supper. But thankfully I do have ketchup, so we're good there. Maybe I'll sprinkle in some bacon bits and see how that goes."
"Holy crap - I just took my own picture with a quality camera and I don't actually look this old in real life do I? Maybe cameras add 10 years too? PS - thank goodness for photoshop. PPS - I'm still young (some might say childish at heart."
"I'm not the only one who sees a dusty surface and just has to write something in it, right?"
"I have this dilemma in that the business news suggests the price of chocolate is going to rise dramatically. And I want to hedge against this by buying lots and lots of chocolate. However if I know there will be tonnes of chocolate at the house, it will be eaten quickly and I'll just have to buy more when it gets expensive!"
"I just learned that if you tilt the spoon away from you when you're eating cereal, the milk doesn't splash all down your chin. How about that? Does everybody know of this slick strategy? And you can teach an old dog new tricks."
"So I got some new bird feeders today and the instructions say to clean them with soap and water every two weeks. And when I stopped laughing, I still bought them. If the summer humidity doesn't clean them inside and out, well, sorry birdies ..."
"Apparently all the bs pesticides and herbicides are killing all the bees, poisoning the water, and generally ruining the natural environment. Well who would have thought!? NO F'N KIDDING!? Greed, ignorance, negligence from people causing environmental catastrophe - no way? -- signed, JLH the hippie."
"Anybody else of the opinion that when it comes to chocolate (bars, pudding, snacks, doughnuts, etc.) - the diet always starts tomorrow?!"
"Yikes, less than an arbitrarily measured unit of the concept of time (week) until an arbitrarily chosen date (25th) stolen from an ancient group who equally ridiculously attributed special and superstitious meaning to an albeit more astronomically appropriate measurer of the passage of time (solstice), which itself is only a couple of quasi-arbitrarily measured units of time (days) away, in the arbitrarily measured concept that is time. My oh my how the quasi-arbitrarily measured concept of time flies when you're having fun!"
"I don't know if this joke's been done before or not but my 'sleep number' is 69. (c JLH) if new!"
"J-C - it's hard to keep track of who first visited/caused population of Earth in the past.
Agents Of SHIELD
Battlestar Galactica
Star Trek Next Generation
Star Trek Voyager
etc.
Each show you watch, it's a different mythos. 8^)"
"Am I getting bigger or are the potatoes in a bag of potatoes getting smaller?"
"OK that's it - the diet starts tomorrow. This time I mean it. Historians will look back and say, yup, that's the day he started his diet - 'tomorrow'."
"Watching Robin Williams on Comedy Network and I can picture the censor with his finger on the bleep button rapid-fire pushing it like the old-fashioned telegraph operators."
"How many times in - say - a month is it ok to ask someone next to you, "did I just say [x] or [y]", before you should look up symptoms of stuff?"
"OK dammit i wish there was a comedybook.com -- and if there isn't but someone creates it -- I claim copyright -- if I can do that. Anyway, I say this because one of my friends put a status about a girl and describing what she was wearing and how she wants that -- meaning the apparel. My joke comment below would be "Sounds like someone I would want too" (meaning the girl as opposed to the apparel). But who knows who follows her and I don't want to offend. But so many statuses from everyone are just calling for an immature joke response. Thus my need for a comedybook.com. Or maybe I'll just create my own set-up statuses and comment my own jokes below eh. Call me crazy."
"You know how they say it's noon somewhere or 5 o'clock somewhere. Well, I'm saying it's Thanksgiving somewhere and using it as an excuse to overeat."
"So just how many times a week are you allowed to wear the same favourite shirt to work - washed of course."
"Irony of the day of my own making ... I was saying the words - with respect to keeping the weight down on our dogs - I really need to watch my weight myself - just as I picked up another piece of pizza - and I was already full."
"There just aren't enough topless women protesting stuff. Come on girls ... there's injustice all around."
"To all those who have told me that time seems to keep getting faster ... try jumping on a treadmill. Sure slows down frikkin time for me ..."
"I was thinking I should start smoking to get that cool darth vader voice - or I could get a darth vader mask and wear it everywhere - because of course having a smoldering dried plant material wrapped in another dried plant material would just look weird."
"I was thinking I should start smoking to get that cool darth vader voice - or I could get a darth vader mask and wear it everywhere - because of course me smoking would just look weird."
"If you give the crusts off your pizza slices to the dogs, that means you can have like three more slices right?"
"Just to either warn you or enthrall you, I have just found out that tomorrow is world naked gardening day! I am so excited - so to speak."
"I was thinking of having a stunt-double sit and scarf down a bunch of doughnuts in front of me, to save me from the calories."
"Do they even do those school-year pictures anymore in public and high schools? Class of 14/15 kind of deal - along with the teachers to the sides. Done by a professional photographer. And the professional guy/girl takes a close-up photograph of each individual. Or do they just tell everyone to upload your best selfie to the school facebook page?"
"As I head to work *again* - it comes to mind, don't they say - only a fool does the same damn thing over and over again expecting a different result?"
"I don't know why I occasionally bother bringing a banana to work, in the thought I might be healthy - I just end up bringing it home again anyway."
"Girlie's checking me out today... pictures later to verify it's the outfit. Film at 11."
"Is it just my face, or are candy bars getting smaller?"
"So I'm making my supper and enjoying a gin&tonic and see on the satellite that Anne Of Green Gables-The Sequel, or Anne Of Green Gables-Next Generation or Anne Of Green Gables-Return Of The Sith is coming up on one of the channels. And it comes to mind that I'm Canadian and I always have, and still do hate Anne Of Green Gables. What is so interesting about this story? Are we that desperate for a Canadian-branded character?"
"OK my new year plan (specifically not a resolution!) has been defeated already. Two days ago I decided that's it - no lunches for a month so as to lose weight. Well that worked for one day and my belly is full today. That's something at least eh - one day out of one month. I feel slimmer already."
"I can't believe how many people I get talking to who say they need something sweet after supper. And I am always surprised, and say 'me too', after thinking it was only me. Now I wonder how many people - like me having just apple pie last night - have something sweet *as* supper."
"I was told after an exquisite drawing in pictionary that roosters do not in fact have four legs."
"In the world which I rule, there are laws against creating a television series and cancelling it too early or with cliff-hangers."
"Funny how I see all my friends having birthdays, and it seems like, hey didn't you just have a birthday. And it seems like others have birthdays like 3 to 1 of mine. And it makes me glad that I don't have birthdays as often, because I sure wouldn't want to be getting older like all you other people."
"Hey Tim Hortons - would you get your fkn ham sandwich sauce back?! How hard is it to get ranch dressing or whatever it is?! I would just go to Sobeys and get my own dressing but I could just make my own whole damn sandwich. It's the kind of laziness that has me going to Tim Hortons in the first place! So get the sauce back!"
"Is it just my imagination, or did it used to rain? And I mean sunny all week while we sat in school and then never-ending stratus clouds bearing drizzle all week-end. Sing it Alannis - wasn't it ironic? And of course this is the year I planted eight new pine trees in scattered locations, and attempted to propagate a mulberry - or what it soon might be called - a stick. Sing it Alannis - isn't it ironic?"
"So the neighbour kid dropped by for a bit since his dad had to help with some farm chores out back and just an hour with a kid - albeit playing soccer and basketball which is kind of fun - and my first thought is ... holy f I need a beer! So I think if I had had kids, I'd sure be an alcoholic - or even more of an alcoholic I guess."
"I'm of two minds about this. Does anybody find it really weird to be e-mailing back and forth with the guy in the office right next to you? It seems so wrong yet it's just so easy."
"So, say I forgot about two mcdonalds muffins in the wife's vehicle. For how long, I can't even remember. What are the chances I could go to some mcdonalds and ask for replacements under warranty or something? No questions asked."
"Going to Burger King for the lunch meal, then McDonald's for dessert is kind of my food equivalent of the 'pub crawl'. It was one of those 'f*** my heart' days. And next time I want to somehow incorporate Harvey's and Wendy's into the jaunt"
"Long story, but as I chuckled and walked away, I said to her, "but I would be a benevolent psycho". (tm)"
"Picking up fallen sticks in the yard, then 8 minutes on the treadmill = I can have a 1/4 pumpkin pie with whipped cream right?"
"I'm not the only one who sees a dusty surface and just has to write something in it, right?"
"Well you know how I love nature but I also love my climate controlled comfort right. Well I'm cruising in the big beast with the windows down - quite rare - when I heard some big bug smack into the headrest of the passenger seat. OK, f-this, up go the windows. I could have sworn the thing bounced over my leg and by the steering wheel but can hardly take a look at 100 km/h. Then the little f-er got his last laugh ... gave me a nice sting up my shorts on the inside of my thigh. Crisis averted - all the goodie bits are quite safe and sound. Another scary part is how far up he got without my noticing - usually I'm quite keen to such activity."
"Why haven't any scientists contacted me about cloning me yet?"
"Denial and delusion would indeed be a happy state in which to revel. (c)JLH."
"I just ate a TONNE of chicken wings! I'm here to tell you it is possible to feel really happy and really guilty at the same time!"
"OMG - I just came across an O'Henry bar in the cupboard and my heart skipped a beat! I thought we were out of chocolate bars!"
"OK my ocd is going to lose on this one ... but there is a fourth amazing thunderstorm going north of here and as much as I want to break out the tripods again, I already have hours of footage to go through from multiple cameras from three previous storms. I guess I'll just have to watch this one. I'll cry about the lost footage later - like a lost Hitchcock movie, or overwritten moon landing originals. We all suffer the loss together."
"You can still feel free to like all my stuff even if you don't care for public displays of affection."
"This damn glitter stuff doesn't come off! How do you get glitter off? (It's not what you think)."
"It's the most wonderful time of the year ... all year."
"I'm starting to think some people buy clothes which they think make them look good, and not by rote from the $15 or less rack at wal-mart!"
"Why don't scientists (and food inventors) just skip the part where they invent highly addictive things like extra old cheddar and just invent some helmet that electrically stimulates the required parts of the brain and skip the calories. While they're at it, actually, maybe more general pleasure chemicals and orgasms. Coming soon to a Canadian Tire near you ... (I'll do the commercials)."
"Aren't there yuppies any more? Now that it's time for me to be one, don't tell me they cancelled the program!"
"... WTF ... where's my million dollars an episode? And I write my own material! (re big bang theory stars)."
"I got 96 liters of fuel into my 98 liter tank. I might have been cutting it kind of close."
"I'm proclaiming it 'national me, myself, and I' day. So yay me! I love me! Know who's awesome? I am! Lots of celebratory pictures of me to come."
"I was visiting somebody today on a work issue and noticed she had a fitbit on. She saw me see it and said ya but I don't want to be your fitbit friend if you're a keener or something on exercise; I know you get all your steps in. I laughed and said, I have had two of those easter cream eggs in the last hour since lunch."
"Using the fact the belt feels a touch loose today and keep having to hike up pants as justification for mowing some chunky chips ahoy!"
"Is there any kind of excitement like using coupons to save $7 off $1,417 in tires?!"
"How not a morning person are you if you poke yourself in the eye when washing your hair?"
"How anal are you if you feel a need to flip every mushroom in the pan individually?"
"There's always a Plan Z."
"Before I get grief for it, I just want to publicly say that I had to eat the last of the bacon this morning before the wife got up because I was worried it was getting old, and I was willing to take the risk, and not wanting the wife to get sick. But I did save lots of oatmeal for her."
"Today's firsts - first bbq of the year and first bbq in underwear of the year. Says it's 10 degrees out so that's good enough for me. Actually 5 would have been fine too. But you stopped reading after my underwear anyway didn't you all?"
"Who was it who said "hot dogs are nature's perfect lunch food"? Oh wait, nobody except me."
"A recall on salads - :) - no concerns here."
"What pearls of wisdom shall I provide everyone today? I have great knowledge in the areas of horniness, greediness, laziness. What's your pleasure? Wait, that's my expertise as well."
"Rye ... a family tradition, coincidentally since I was born."
"Wonders what I might be when I grow up."
"At a outdoor party earlier - talking to a girl from City of Hamilton - about manure - but she started it. Anyway we talked about getting used to it and I took a whiff and son-of-a-bitch if there wasn't the smell in the air, but I hadn't noticed - because I'm used to it.
P.S. - want to chat up the ladies - go for the topic of manure every time right?"
"I am a boisterous social gathering."
"You know I don't look half bad when I get a hair cut, if I do say so myself! Oh and don't everybody all agree at once - the internet only has so much bandwidth."
"The passage of time really ticks me off so I will no longer be celebrating it or even tolerating it. I'm boycotting getting older. That's it, I'm off the clock as it were."
"Here's the problem - there are cookies in my vehicle in the parking garage and I know there are cookies in my vehicle in the parking garage. And even if I was too lazy to go get them, the cookies are on sale at shoppers out the side door - where I got them this morning and immediately put them in my vehicle in the parking garage so as not to be tempted."
"Just because you bid good morning to your pet bathroom spider doesn't make you crazy right?"
"I can watch tv series after 18 years and it's just like seeing them for the first time. Finally an acceptable attribute of getting older."
"My secret ingredient in a bacon&tomato sandwich is ............. 3/4 pound of bacon!"
"Similar to other facebook pages, I've got a treat for you once I hit a million "likes"!"
"Some people see clothing as an opportunity to show their creative attributes. I see clothing as one of those evil social conventions."
"I really think the mcdonald's girl wanted me. I mean, she couldn't have possibly really cared how my day went. I love women."
"OK what are the chances that the 6 stuffed oyster things I bought for $3 at no frills were totally disgusting? I had 3 soon after buying them. Found them to be mostly filler - presumably bread - and salty and totally gross - and I'll eat practically anything. Waited a month or so and cooked the last 3 tonight. I hate to waste too and I couldn't get through more than 1.5 of them. Consistency of anybody's grandma's bread stuffing and the taste of bread with a layer of salt poured on. Might take the cake for the most terrible product I've ever been duped into buying because it was cheap. 8^) And Sobey's sells them too. I'll risk any potential lawsuits too because I will dare any judge to try them and not agree with me."
"Is there heroin in those passion flakies? I get the shakes just thinking about having one!"
"ATTENTION co-workers, spouses, potential 3-way participants, etc. -- those who will be close to me. They have discontinued *my brand* of anti-perspirant (the a-holes), and being a creature of habit, I haven't thought about picking a replacement yet. This is very annoying. Don't call any meetings for about a month from now; 3-ways still a go."
"The world's premier intellectual, wit, sex symbol. Now with extra flavour, fewer calories, no artificial colouring and very few preservatives."
"I'm going to start a show called The Beast as well, but it won't be on the game show network - it'll be on a higher numbered satellite channel."
"Turns out I like porno music for the music."
"Some days I'm so tired in the morning I forget to wash my hair and have to jump back in the shower to do so; today I was tired enough that I forgot *how* to wash my hair; forgot if I use two hands or not; (comments below will most assuredly be about my usually having the other hand unavailable)."
"What is up with vampire movies, tv, etc.? Why isn't there such an excitement about government engineering employees? All the kissy-kissy stuff, goo-goo eyes, screaming girls, etc. Where are the books, movies, ACTION FIGURES? WTF?"
"I find that if you drive around long enough, the hot chicks do check out the J-man wearing his cool sunglasses, driving in his big truck."
"More thoughts for the day: Shoppers has GOT to stop having cookies on sale for $2 for a whole package; to the rich guy in the Porsche Cayenne going all of 40 on Bridgeport Road - WTF? - why do you even own the vehicle? Get a bicycle if you go that slow!"
"More thoughts for the day: I don't mind being called a plus-sized model; the problem with using star trek sounds for all notifications on my smartphone is I can't watch star trek any more because I keep thinking somebody's trying to contact me."
"After watching a commercial for a new upcoming reality show, I was just lamenting the dearth of good reality tv shows (if such a thing as 'good reality show' exists) and the woman suggested that I come up with one, so I'm recommending "guy on rural property doing stuff" - (c) JLH 2015 - where people with cameras follow me around as I do stuff. The woman says oh ya that sounds like a blast."
"It occurs to me that not a single person pissed me off today. Which is incredible. I mean crazy unlikely. But I guess there are still a few hours left."
"Public service announcement ... it's possible that Wal-mart club pack hamburger isn't triple-A grade Canadian beef. That's based on the smell as I cook it at least. 8^) But it doesn't matter - it's just becoming hamburger helper anyway. P.S. is it possible to stir hamburger helper without spilling or is it just a bad idea to drink and cook?"
"Was thinking of starting my own business, a pub, calling it 'Harrison Arms', with crest and all, and people would affectionately call it 'Harri-arms'!"
"Turns out there are morning people - who admit it and everything. I came up in the elevator with a nice lady who was talking and laughing and get this - joking - and I'm thinking hey lady, this is my shtick - but not at this ungodly hour. As I got out, I overheard her actually say these words to another guy in the elevator - I'm a morning person. Makes you wonder if studies have been done on this; what causes this phenomenon?"
"Don't you just hate when your big bulk package of chocolate bar pieces has an expiry date so you feel the need to eat the whole thing well in advance of said expiry date? Yet a package of vegetable-enhanced crackers has been in the same cupboard since 1998."
"Repost if you love telling others what to do via your posts."
"Oh good, nurses like the truck('s owner) too - let the fantasizing begin."
"What's great about being a guy, or perhaps great about just being me, is that I'm not sure if I wore this same outfit yesterday, but it's clean and fresh out of the dryer so I don't care."
"Hey co-workers (and the rest of society really) - if it wasn't for silly social convention, I wouldn't be wearing clothes - see you around folks. 8^)"
"It must be the "year of the toad". Laying on the brakes on the lawn tractor all the time."
"Geez ... shaving really does take 10 years off me ... I might shave three times today."
"At first I was concerned, but then I realized it's the week-end and no one's going to see me so I don't care if I wear mis-matched socks."
"One of the girls at work made me go for lunch with her (because I was going to skip lunch to not obtain calories) and turns out I enjoyed it so much I somehow got lettuce stuck in the crease opposite my elbow. Can't take me anywhere. (And who wants me now)."
"So I'm at McDonald's this evening and the server girl at the counter welcomed the next two guests who came in by name! Heaven help me if they start calling me by name when I enter a McDonald's."
"It's a dark day when I find that Honey Comb has a healthy taste!"
"Is getting so much glitter on him from christmas cards that the wife might think I've been to the 'rippers. Though that would also be a good cover story."
"Anybody know what the recommended daily dose of butter is? Today I might be getting close ... to the weekly limit."
"Dec. 23, yikes I think I'm getting a sun tan from how much longer these days are getting!"
"My hairdresser thinks I'm brilliant; my hairdresser is correct."
"Has invented something - a new setting for digital cameras - the "through your window which needs cleaning" mode! Do you know how fraking rich this should make me?! You saw it here first. (c) JLH 01-04-12!"
"I can still call myself an adult and love chef-boy-r-dee ravioli right?"
"Mmmm, anybody else love that charred ash of outer surface of chicken off the bbq?!"
"You spend years accumulating stuff by rote -- ya, I'll take that, you'll tell a relative -- then one day you wonder why the hell you're keeping the end table with the dog chew marks on the corner and all but one of the legs. That day was garbage day."
"Wishes happy birthday to anyone who has a birthday any time during the calendar year. I wish you the best on your [choose as appropriate 1st ... 115th]! I really mean that [your name]!"
"Two cherry tomatoes will counteract a quarter pound of bacon fat heading for my arteries right?"
"Thoughts on sprinkling those pre-packaged bacon bits on your bacon ... ?"
"You know what i've found goes awesome on pork chops? Bacon bits!"
"Is it weird if you're using a treadmill, just wearing shorts, and you think, ha, what am I going to do, clip that emergency stop wire to my chest hair, and then you think hmmmm, that might be interesting ..."
"Yes I sometimes now take off my glasses to see something up close but can feel my way around - with my tongue if necessary!"
"Why does the last 5 minutes of a nice warm shower go by like lightning but the last 5 minutes of the work day take an eternity?"
"Here's what kept me up briefly at 4 am. Why are girl names April, May, June, August - and not July? Important philosophical question."
"Anyone else leave their car heater blasting, even though it's like 35 degrees inside, and you're sweating through your winter coat, but because the steering wheel is still cold and so are your fingers."
"It's always a good day to not do anything."
"Does it count as having your x-mas shopping done when you have no intention of actually doing any?"
"Hey restaurant we were at at lunch ... next time you can hold the green leafy stuff ... from my COFFEE mug. I know they were nicely washed and all but ..."
"When you catch up to a car on the roadway with a plate that contains the word "gramma", you might think you're fkd getting anywhere fast - and you'd be right!"
"When the store cashier asks 'did you find everything you were looking for', do you assume like I do that they're silently filling in the words '... but we don't give a fk either way because we make minimum wage'."
"I don't know who invented alcohol but I'm going to buy that person a drink."
"If you think I'm witty, intelligent, sexy now ... you should see me when you're drunk!"
"I won a free coffee - it's this kind of important event about which the world should know which makes me think I should start a twitter account. Ya, still NOT."
"I love it when I run my hand through my hair and a pesky grey hair comes out. I'm sure it's the only one. What were the chances?"
"A good elitist doesn't mind pointing fingers and laughing."
"Did you know? March is International Air Breathing month! So many of us forget the lowly air. 99% won't share (and they shouldn't)! Click 'like' to show your support of International Air Breathing month (and nothing will come of it)!"
"Just saw a picture of myself. Good thing that hot young chicks are into intelligence and wit and robust endowment and not hung up on boring old youthful looks. Right l-a-d-i-e-s?!"
"It's not until you sit and watch all the birds happily flitting about above you that you realize just how much ... they dump indiscriminately all over the damn place. :)"
"I saw my dog eating AGAIN and said to him J-C, is that all you do is eat?! Then I thought darnit, the darn dog is probably thinking the same about me. I'm one to talk."
"It's official ... I'm addicted ... to chocolate. OK it's in no way official. Just pretty obvious."
"OK I'm officially addicted to ... stop me if you've heard this before ... hamburgers."
"So I guess they say the first step is admitting you have a problem. Well ... I have a problem ... with working for a living!"
"One male and two female cardinals. I just said "good for you buddy" to him as I walked by."
"Well I may as well just go ahead and say it ... the whole world should know ... no more whispers "is he, isn't he", no guessing ... I'm just going to say it ... that I'm ... farking brilliant! There, said it ... I feel so much better."
"I'm reading a manual which says see page 54 ... and the last page of the entire manual is 39. Is that some kind of f-you sucker?"
"Holy - the spam I get in my office e-mail spam filter is more vulgar than what I get with my personal account. Odd eh."
"It occurs to me that I don't have enough power and influence. So I'm wondering if they could please start up a United Nations field office in Stratford so I don't have too far to commute to where I can just solve all the world's problems."
"Another day, another d...arn opportunity to buy lottery tickets."
"Meat, cheese, alcohol, refined sugar ... what more could I want in the way of an enjoyable supper?!"
"Of the opinion that if a big mug of morning coffee makes my hands shake, all that muscle exercise will help me keep the weight off, and helps brush my teeth better. Right?"
"When the zombie apocalypse happens, I'll be ready ... with my vast stash of ... mcdonald's 6-cent muffins!"
"Passed a company sign today ... "Cash Converters" ... and thought that should be my nickname ... I do that all the frikkin time ... convert any cash I might have to stuff!"
"What the hell, I'm going to have a pleasurable day. I'm going to do pleasurable things. And by golly I'm worth it."
"Because every site seems to have a web poll, they all need an "I don't care" selection!."
"Just for kicks this morning, I'm going to Mensa web pages and looking for mistakes."
"Got to say "I like lots of breasts" in public tonight. Yes it was at Kentucky Fried Chicken, but yes I still smiled. (They were low on the combo thingy and either I could wait 10 minutes or they'd upgrade me to lots of breasts. Guess which I took?)."
"Have you ever felt like going around your office just holding up the finger just for kicks. No offence intended. Just for the kicks. Ya me either. Totally not thinking of doing that."
"I'm hoping it's the fluorescent lighting which is giving my hot dogs a slight greenish tinge. Hoping. Ah, I'm not worried, I boiled the hell out of them."
"Is having a great day today because everybody likes my status that I had a great day yesterday."
"Yes I have 'letters after my name', but I don't put it in any correspondence because they really should be 'S.U.P.E.R.S.T.A.R.'"
"What a coincidence - all at the same time - it's JLH week, national JLH month, international year of tribute to JLH, intergalactic eternity of the JLH."
"Have no fear, I only use my extreme intellect for good, oh and for lots and lots of nonchalance too, but not evil."
"Quick, is it ok to wear beige shirt and pants with black belt, black socks and black shoes? If not, come by my office for the display."
"Just as a few of us were getting settled for a meeting - and the lot of us are well-acquainted - somebody mentioned how much coffee I drink and how she wouldn't be able to get to sleep.
And I said that would be a problem for me too except I use alcohol to remedy that. And I described my daily requisite regimen of coffee all day and alcohol in the evening.
I went on to say that I couldn't wait to retire because then I can finally not rely on these things to fight nature to get through society's artificial day.
But even as I said it, I realized that wouldn't be the case so I said though really, when I'm retired, I'll probably be worse, because then I'll have more time to sit around and drink coffee and alcohol all day.
And then she reminded me of bailey's - where I can have both and that will keep me on an even keel. 8^)"
"I just invented something. It's just like a neon window sign but on a t-shirt. You have a button toggle switch in your pants pocket. It is a control which lights up text on your shirt, some sort of filament, or what the hell, even neon, which says "yes I will go out with you". The wearer can wander around and just toggle on and off the text as desired. (c) JLH2012"
"Is there anything more pompous than saying 'an historic'? I'm one of the most pompous people I know and even I would never use that contrived phrase. I would however use the phrase 'contrived phrase'."
"Is it me, or did exhaust right out of the tailpipe smell sweeter in the 70's? Must have been the lead."
"In case you missed how awesome I looked - or just plain was - yesterday, I'll do a repeat performance today."
"I was telling somebody at work today that "the thing with my comfort zone is I'm pretty comfortable with it."
"Could somebody please turn down the gravity a bit? It's getting tiring out here doing all this walking."
"Important advice solicited (not really before everyone gets excited). If I was to buy a new vehicle, what would attract the girls like ants to hon... well just have the girls flocking to me? I'm thinking pick-up, so me, the wife, and the girlfriend can all snuggle in close."
"For my benefit, they might as well turn those classic "After 8" boxes of thins into one big bar! I just eat the whole damn thing anyway."
"Is there an age, social status, or economic status one can attain in order to avoid having to deal with a-holes? I mean, I need something to strive for."
"I do my own things, and very much enjoy the things I do."
"... yesterday we moved the liquor to where the cereal used to be. Sure hope I don't make a mistake and *accidentally* pick the wrong thing so early in the morning here. Follow up - turns out you'd be amazed how delicious a light crisp chardonnay tastes on frosted flakes. Mmmmm."
"Boy did I ever look younger when I was younger."
"Some bird just dumped on my coat collar and now I have to look at it out of the corner of my eye till I get home with the dogs. That will teach me to go outdoors and get exercise."
"Getting dressed in the morning is just wasting too much of my valuable time in life. I wish to stop getting dressed. (Not like facebook statuses are a waste of time or anything)."
"What a great wife she is. I said I made too much bacon - and there is no such thing - expecting to get grief, but she said there's no such thing."
"I'm thinking of a career change. To psychotherapist, so I can get business cards with PSYCHO capitalized and italicized in my job title."
"It appears somebody has already taken the book title of my needs-to-be-written autobiography - 'The Book Of Awesome'."
"Alone for supper tonight, so hot dogs was the choice ... tv in the background ... tonight on "How It's Made" ... hot dogs. This might not be pretty."
"Was walking through the concourse at a government building and noting how every single visitor was head-down to a mobile device, and thought gee what a sign of the era, and didn't even have to reach that far to start typing this ... as this device was already in my hand ... :)"
"Well really, who *wouldn't* say the word burp when you burp?"
"Why drink out when it's expensive and you can drink at home for cheap. Now, where's the girls!?"
"I've been planning for years on writing a book but by the time I get the time to finish it, there will be no such thing as books. I only need help with the illustrations; I don't do my own colouring."
"So I was about to eat the last half of a small garden-grown tomato when I noticed a decent-sized hole in the skin. I contemplate if I used a fork to pick it up earlier or is it a worm hole. I thought for a bit and couldn't remember. So I decided I'm too lazy to dig in and find out so I just took the chance and ate it. And the answer is ... we'll never know and I don't want to ... did taste a little weird but who knows ..."
"I bought something like 8 cartons of egg nog a few days ago, after looking at the best before date of Dec. 24. Figured holy, Dec. 24 is a long way away - I'll have lots of time to drink all that. Then yesterday as I'm into carton number 2, I think holy, Dec. 24 is only 5 days away, so I've got to drink more than 1 carton of egg nog per day. Can it be done I wondered. And where's the nearest cardiac center I wondered."
"Turns out there's not much more liberating than taking work-Laura's advice to heart - that life is too short not to be happy (or something like that) so when I started thinking this afternoon (*on break*) about some annoying (*non-work-related*) thing or other, I went with the advice and thought ah what the f do I care. Come to think of it - I suppose that's not actually what she advised, but close enough - and it did make me happy."
"The earthquake was fun and all, but needed a great deal more 'richterishness' (love my new word) to make it nice and exciting! Not too much though, as I don't like the looks of those Tokyo videos, but a bit more sway to slow dance to would have been nice."
"Was waiting for the computer folks to upgrade some software via remote desktop, and noticed the dialogue box said "time remaining: 68,384 minutes..." and I thought well that's great, I guess I can retire early!"
"Thoroughly maple-wood smoked from a nice little fire before bedtime."
"As I was swinging away blindly like a LSD-addict at mosquitoes walking the dogs this evening through the forest, it came to me that if scientists really want to do some valuable genetic engineering, they can create a mosquito which injects pleasurable substances – like cherry kool-aid, chocolate, cocaine, or orgasm endorphins. Rather than saying goddammit you little f’ers, I’d be saying, awesome – a cloud of mosquitos! Bring it on bitches! Because food, opiates and orgasms – what more could I need?"
"It was driving me crazy - some guy pulled into a space but didn't pull right through into the "drive through to park" space - come on man - a gimme, the coveted drive through! What are you doing?! Give me the g-d keys and I'll do it for you!"
"Don't you just hate it when you're thinking of region-wide sewer inflow calculations during your shower instead of proper things like girls and bacon cheeseburgers?!"
"Yikes, I haven't been this excited about measuring something since I was, like, 15 or something!"
"Ever have that feeling like why do any chores when you might have won the lottery last night? I've decided the best solution is to buy lottery tickets for every night of the week and I'll never have to do anything I don't want to again. Genius."
"All the world's problems could be avoided if everyone followed my advice to just don't be an a-hole. Just that easy, if not eloquently stated."
"To those who stop me in the hall and say how much you enjoy my statii and notes, thanks. But as I go on to say, there's that little blue and white thumbs up icon ...
Not that I need tangible positive feedback, but I need positive tangible feedback. After all, even if this is just for my own amusement, at a certain point I might even become tired of myself, so this has to be for someone else's benefit! And to those who neither 'like' nor stop me in the halls and say how much you enjoy these, what's your freakin problem? Just kidding - I'll interpret your non-action as implicit amusement. I totally love those who already liked my stuff before I whined about it. To those who have unfriended me and will not see this anyway, kiss my ..."
"I wonder who it was who unfriended me and why. It must have been my objective intellectual insight, honest commentary, satirical sense of humour, and frequent always-original content. Who could take all that for long eh?!"
"The office girls have made a word doc for me of fashion, hair, dietary no-no's. What does this say? (It's a full page too)."
"A good dose of global warming right now would be nice. Time to breathe heavier, go burn some styrofoam, WD-40 everything, feed my cows some beans."
"I gotta love a wife that can quote eminem verses like poetry!"
"I love women."
"Don't you just hate it when you're thinking of region-wide sewer inflow calculations during your shower instead of proper things like girls and bacon cheeseburgers?!"
"My ironic thought of the day ... damn it would be cool to go see Niagara Falls all frozen over ... if only it wasn't so f'n cold out!"
"Here's a question - say you go to shoppers drug mart and they have all sorts of lube and condoms on the "clearance rack" - do you trust these items for efficacy? Also, nothing says love like whipping out a condom with a red "reduced for quick sale" sticker on it."
"Are you ever so busy and distracted you think 'I should look that up', then by the time you switch tabs, you've already forgotten what you were loo ... what was I saying again?"
"I'm going to throw a dinner party and talk about nothing but religion, politics and sex. Actually, I might say, "let's just skip right to the sex."
"OMG I just read back through a lot of my own facebook timeline. What friggin remarkable insight and wit. What a great resource. You people are all very, very lucky."
"Thought experiment: so if I go to Tim Hortons at 2:01 in the morning on time-change day and ask for a coffee - you know, from the carafe they empty every 20 minutes - do I get a big cup of unbrewed grounds?"
"Reaming out the dryer ducting from outside wearing only underwear, shoes and a jacket. Could it BE any more traditional for me 5 minutes from Dec. 25th?!"
"I wanted bacon and eggs, but had oatmeal instead to be good. What has it come to?"
"Today's edition of "if I was in charge": a law that there is to be no longer than six months between new Star Trek and Star Wars movies."
"How funny is this ... I asked something of somebody in another department and when she said no problem, my first inclination was to click 'like' ... but work isn't facebook is it?"
"I'm always right because I don't use fallacies and do use data, citations." -- me.
"It is rare that I come across someone and think yup, that person might rival me in IQ or knowledge." -- me.
"That is some horses**t of the highest odour." -- me.
"The effort required to repudiate all the logical fallacies, exaggerations, specious statements, sophistries, and lies is monumental in comparison to the paltry effort required by those who spout them."
"I take comfort and pride from observing the focus and fixation on minutia and trivialities such as my occasional obviously customized vocabulary, mistypes, and failing to use impeccable, though still superlative, grammar; but zero critique or rebuttal of my insight, rationality, logic, pragmatism, breadth of knowledge."
"Atheist - because I have intellectual and emotional fortitude."
"Quit fixating on minutia and focus on the insight."
"You aren't being eloquent when using logical fallacies and cognitive error."
"When you've exhausted all personal responsibility, then you can look to blame others."
"That which is claimed using embarrassing grade school logical fallacies can be summarily dismissed as irrelevant and ignorable without debate."
"Western society has certainly gotten a handle on the personal freedoms part, but not the personal responsibility part."
"This does indeed make me quite happy in that I'm attacked on my use of a custom vocabulary, as opposed to any of my insight or use of logic."
"No analyst can analyze him or herself. You can't be dispassionate about yourself unless you are a robot."
"Patience isn't a virtue; it wastes a short life."
"If no one was stupid, no one would be misled."
"Reality is described via a peer-reviewed cycle of observations, hypotheses, predictions, experiments. Anything else is rampant speculation. Our scientific method doesn't allow rampant speculation and pre-formed conclusions, our judicial system doesn't allow rampant speculation and pre-formed conclusions, and neither do I."
"One can obtain knowledge, not intelligence. Those who have both are wise to use them to the utmost."
"True open-mindedness sets an objective methodology in place which excludes logical fallacies and then explores the possibilities."
"The sciences can and do explain everything which is explicable. That which is inexplicable has never and will never be explained without the sciences."
"The truly intelligent have inquisitiveness about natural things and skepticism about sociological things."
"We have a difference of feelings. You say you're offended, whereas I don't give a f***."
"Religion -- objection: inadmissible, assumes facts not in evidence."
"I have no ‘faith in humanity’, but I do have faith in a small number of humans."
"I was walking from my vehicle to a lunch place and I had that common photic sneeze when one gets out into bright light.
From well across the parking lot came a "bless you" from some guy. Now that's some Canadian friendliness."
"How sad is it when you base your lunch decisions on what canned soup is most expired?"
"Another person: There's MSG in that you know. Me: That's my favourite ingredient."