Funnies - enjoy. (Contemporary note - this was done in 1995, essentially pre-internet, which will explain that this is no longer particularly funny).
Headlines/Retractions/Reviews/Letters to Editor
Advertisements
Signs/Instructions/Translations
Law/Transcript typos/Testimony
Radio/Live TV/Interviews/Classes
Students Essays/Resumes/Welfare Requests
Newspaper headlines; newpaper flyers; advertisements; insurance reports; children's school reports; court testimony, etc. (Some of these were found by me, but acknowledgements also go to the Toronto Star, Birmingham News, Readers Digest, Bathroom Reader, and the Tonight Show). I've tried to be very meticulous in transcribing these, so spelling or grammar errors should be the original mistake and are what often makes these so funny. Some are British or Canadian sources and some American, thus the occasional "or" / "our" spelling variations such as color / colour. Some of these are mildly amusing and some are hilarious. Enjoy.
Headlines/Retractions/Reviews/Letters to Editor:
* Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers * Panda Mating Fails - Veterinarian Takes Over * British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands * Teacher Strikes Idle Kids * Lawyer says client is not that guilty * Alzheimer's center prepares for an affair to remember * A report said the intruder came in through an unlocked dresser drawer * Clinton Wins Budget - More Lies Ahead * Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant * New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test * Committee cuts Heritage Week to 7 days * Federal agents raid gun shop, find weapons * House republicans are split on whether they're divided * The sun could be to blame for global warming * Asian-americans working hard to shatter work-a-holic stereotype * Tacoma's SAT scores soar, reach U.S. average * New sci-fi series from Roddenberry. Gene Roddenberry apparently wrote the series pilot before he died * People should read the pamphlet on how to deal with bears coming out with their tax notices from the town * State prisons to replace easy-open locks * Gore denies wrongdoing; vows to never do it again * Medicare no longer a scared cow * Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25 * Bankrupcy court now accepts credit cards * Breakthrough Discovery - Scientists conclude tickling makes you laugh * Map can help determine location * Gravity at fault for most accidents involving falling objects * (story on meat prices and inflation) Prices soar, buyers sore, cow jumps over moon * (strip teaser on trial) 3 judges weigh her fan dance; find it wanton * Judges Appear More Lenient On Crack Cocaine * (thief who stole electric clock) Steals clock; faces time * Two convicts evade noose; jury hung * Hat crimes bill passes senate committee * (announcing birth of triplets) Three of a kind give pair full house * Nitro may help hemorrhoidal pain * Programs available to combat literacy * Absentee votes can be made in person * Include Your Children when Baking Cookies * Man Robs, Then Kills Himself * Khrushchev Is Buried In Encyclopedia * Carter Plans Swell Deficit * Living Together Linked To Divorce * Mayor Says D.C. Is Safe Except For Murders * Town Okays Animal Rule * Deer Kill 130,000 * Crocodiles go hungry due to shortage of tourists * Council agrees to keep closer watch on semi-nude dancing * Man with no home sentenced to house arrest * In addition to researching and studying the accomplishment of Lewis and Clark, the scouts also earned merit badges in swimming, first aid, whitewater farting and canoeing before taking the trip * Boys Cause As Many Pregnancies As Girls * Children's center gets OK for beer and wine license * Protitutes Appeal to Pope * Arsenic in city water nothing to worry about * Man shot with arrow in head feels great after it's removed * Kids to have 5 full days of school next year * Boring issue debated at length * Health hint of the week: jump on a mini tramp * Deadline Passes For Striking Police * Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan * Bar Trying to Help Alcoholic Lawyers * Criminal Groups Infiltrating Pot Farms * Teenage Prostitution Problem Is Mounting * Delegate sex switch advocated * Dead Expected To Rise * Legalized Outhouses Aired By Legislature * Lot of Women Distressing * Idea for anti-theft device may have been stolen * Car wash employee angered when boss asks him to wash cars * "Dead" Woman Doesn't Recall What Happened * 52 foot officers to patrol violent neighborhoods * Blind workers eye better wages * Sun Sued In Puerto Rico By Conservation Trust * Milk Drinkers Turn to Powder * Bill would make it illegal to break rules * U.S., China Near Pact on Wider Ties * Mrs. Collins Burned At Dump * Farmer Bill Dies In House * Jump Bean Prices Affect Poor * Columnist gets urologist in trouble with his peers * Antique Stripper to Demonstrate Wares at Store * Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says * Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted * Grandmother of eight makes hole in one * House passes gas tax onto senate * Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing * William Kelly was fed secretary * Quarter of a million Chinese live on water * Squad helps dog bite victim * New research: without food, people don't eat * Park Service moves wildlife to missile range for hunting * Study: fat kids to have huge impact * Scientist blames germs for illnesses * Wednesday the 28th Cornie and Anna Friesen from Hesiton Kansas and Anna Doerkson from Canada came to Betty Leakey's home for a visit. The two Anna's ate Betty's first cousin. * Sonya Plourde received her PhD from the University of Connecticut in Excremental Psychology ... * Spelling bee postoned one more time * Kentucky receives $14 in federal education grants * Use clothing to keep warm during winter * Veterans Of The Civil War Seeking New Members * Women's Chorus adds Belcher to membership * Postal chief says faster mail delivery to take at least a year * Part of the morning will be spent searching for slugs in the forest. The children do not need a snack that day. Thank you very much. * Dealers will hear car talk at noon * Sewer spill kills fish, but water safe to drink * A Reason For Odor Found At Sewer Plant * Seniors to tour morgue, eat ribs * Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests * Girl wins dog show * Utah girl does well in dog shows * McCloskey: road rage not problem here -- we have sporadic incidents of people pointing guns at each other but I wouldn't call that road rage * No benefits for ill man -- agency says terminal illness not severe enough * Two Soviet ships collide - one dies * Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy * Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984 * Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better * Man Eating Piranha Mistakenly Sold As Pet Fish * Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency * Child's death ruins couple's holiday * Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years * To avoid snakebites, avoid bothering snakes * Their dinner at Pecker's made her husband uncomfortable * Man is fatally slain * Anxiety an issue to worry about * New research says research is valuable; researchers glad * GLACE BAY MINOR HOCKEY 50/50 WINNER LINDA LARADE North Sydney Amount: $20,333.00 January 27, 2008 +Drawn By Constable Linda Larade * Women make nutritious horse treats * Factory orders rise in December, but year is worst since 1002 * Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation * Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case * Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents * Iraqi Head Seeks Arms * Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms * Eye Drops Off Shelf * Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax * Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told * Miners Refuse to Work after Death * Stolen Painting Found by Tree * Tomorrow - partly cloudy with a 30% chance of afternoon * Delta Airlines to stop carrying pets in heat * Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter * The project involves construction of a new rest room with observation platforms, a viewing area and interpretive signs * Jail releases upset judges * Stress Higher for Working Moms Than for Childless Moms * Poverty Linked to Inequality of Wealth * Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years * Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One * War Dims Hope for Peace * Volunteers sought to help clean up illegal dumbsites * Fried chicken cooked in microwave wins trip * Woman improving after fatal crash * Study reveals those without insurance die more often * Old school pillars are replaced by alumni * Sex education delayed, teachers request training * Massachusetts woman has eye on Kerry's seat * Four top dogs inducted into meat industry hall of fame * material in diapers could help make the deserts bloom * study shows some denial from parents on ecstacy * man killed over phone * Peering into the depths of irritable bowel syndrome * passengers feeling airline crew cuts * waterskiing accident ruled accidental * judge not convinced murder victim is alive * men who make inappropriate advances should be exposed * Church of England begins weighing female bishops * 11 high students score perfect grade * bonus permits enable 809 hunters to kill two deer * brief cooking at low heat recommended for diabetics * policeman shoots man with knife * school bans all kinds of nuts on campus * Odor is telltale sign of math lab * Experts say rainfall may lessen drought * Parents keeps kids home to protest school closure * Dodge says probe puts him in awkward position * If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While * Researchers: Overeating can set stage for obesity * Did you know the average American watches 27 hours of TV a day? It's a fact. * PERSON OF THE WEEK Each year Oconto Falls businessman Gary Allen, who prefers to remain anonymous, hosts a free Christmas dinner. * Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures * (in an emergency room report) patient was struck in the head while playing rubgy with another individual's head * La Nina is characterized by cooler waters in the eastern Pacific and wetter water in the western Pacific * Deer Kill 17,000 * Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide * Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges * Nude dancing appealed to U.S. Supreme Court. * missile attacks caused stress and insomnia * MSI owner denies lying, admits not telling truth * Citizens: Wetlands too damp * Rain biggest factor in flooding * Author of book on how to avoid taxes on trial for tax evasion * Evangelist apologizes for 'sexual immortality' * Residents learn about septic-system study at chili supper * Stinky water is OK to drink * Kara Van Dyne wins Seplling Bee * St. David (1-0) def. Arizona Schools for Deaf/Blind 85-0 * 'Do not resuscitate' orders put patients at greater risk of death * Gorillas of Rwanda lecture and musuem of natural history * Library hits 25 years. Couzens honoured for her tiresome work. * Eighth grade graduation pictures will be taken on Tuesday. Students should dress nicely from the waist up. * One team wins, another loses * Incinerator shut down by fire * New electric car would run on gasoline * Chronic fatigue support group unable to get up for rally * Firewood ruined in roaring fire * Mark and Patti pose with triplets. The infants, born 15 months early on July 23, turn 6 months old Thursday * Supreme Court ponders whether innocent person can be executed * Between them, they have trapped more than 1,000 bears - black and grizzlies - in Montana and Yellowstone National Park, said Aberhold. Most have masters degrees. * A talk will be given on the planet Mars by Mr. A.R. Hutchings and, as always, visitors will be welcome. * Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft * Kids Make Nutritious Snacks * Miracle cure kills fifth patient * Mail service goes high-tech New equipment means mail will be delivered later * Total lunar eclipse will be broadcast live on Northwoods Public Radio * Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy * Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire * Gas company behind bean supper * Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood * Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half * Poverty meeting attracts poor turnout * New Vaccine May Contain Rabies * Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors * One-armed man applauds the kindness of strangers * Manure spreaders evoke memories of Christmas past, and are collectible * Prepare for Christmas guests by getting a rabies shot * Home set afire 5 times, DFD suspects arson * Survey finds fewer deer after hunt. * Early release might lead to teen pregnancy * How to save on gas: Drive less, says commuter expert * The cooling system in your 1998 vehicle may be due for service. It should be flushed every 36,000 miles or 45,000 miles, whichever occurs first. * Putting out for the last time Ajax -- Clubhouse manager Margaret McCulla is retiring after 20 years at Riverside Golf Club at Pickering Village. * Talk of merging water, sewer systems * A workshop on the history and future of Chinook salmon in the San Joaquin Valley's rivers will be held in November. Baked salmon will be served for lunch. * Eternity Magazine will cease publishing with the January issue. * Three quarters of the caffeine we ingest comes from coffee. Try to limit yourself to fewer than 100 cups a day. * Woman wins award after boyfriend shows sex tapes to friends. * Four week program offers help to quit smoking in five days * Death is nation's top killer * The little girl watched the parade on her father's shoulders. * Protestor tried to spoil play but the actors succeeded * Senate passes death penalty measure provides for electrocution for all persons over 17 * "Lenore" only opera Beethoven wrote on Monday evening. * Liars find it hard to admit truth. * Critics say sunken ship not seaworthy. * Children not likely to inherit infertility. * Study A Broad In Paris * A well-known beauty expert says that beauty is not a question of age. It is making the best of one's good paints. * The all-girl orchestra was rather weak in the bras section. * Tara LeAnne Green of West Newton, and Steven Paul Roberts of Mt. Pleasant, formerly of Scottdate, exchanged wows during a double ring ceremony ... * Mrs. E.P. was hostess to the Book-review Group Monday evening. Mrs. V.C. reviewed the book, Three Little Pigs Stayed Home. There were 19 present. * Mrs. Belfield is so sappy and jolly that it is really refreshing to be with her. * Madonna reads her 2nd book * Father of ten shot; taken for rabbit. * Mrs. Robertson is head of committee for chest display. * Economists agree interest rates will either rise or fall. * Breathing oxygen linked to staying alive * Noll could be latest immoralized sports figure * Poison used to count dead fish in lake * Dam Road Sign Keeps Disappearing * Kayaking is hard when the water is frozen * Week-end guests due: Mrs. Knoblauch to go west * Many antiques at D.A.R. meeting * British study finds less traffic when roads close * New Orleans police warm strip-teasers * Pre-natal parties for bride-elect * Egg-laying contest won by local man * Man competent enough to be declared insane * Grill suspect over big blaze * June babies flood Ottawa hospital * 'Lick for a Cure' Breast cancer drive * Borough fatheads have budget trouble * 55 roosters stolen at town of Oregon farm. Socialist club to hold chicken supper * This postman was attacked by a part-pitbull and the owner charged * Dead policeman in the force for 18 years * Correction: Constable -- was admitted to Victoria Hospital, not London Children's Hospital as stated last Wednesday * Presto! Magicians appear in Colon * Survey: Teens not drinking as much as thought School seeks to change behavior * Carpet Tunnel Syndrome Is Often Misdiagnosed And Misunderstood! * Phoenix Children's Annual Wine Tasting Event * Sex study: Teens are active but uniformed * City has some disagreement to agreement they never agreed to * Neurosurgery department gets new head * Statewide meth contest winners announced * Overdose: Police responding to a call ... When heroin was found in the car, EMTs were summoned, and administered an anecdote that brought Emery out of danger. * Pregnant woman charged as fugitive ... Kimberly Charles was hospitalized at Waldo County General Hospital in Belfast after she complained of not feeling well and started to have contradictions. * PACKERS: Martin looking forward to opportunity to probe himself on field * Alabama running back Roy Upchurch will undergo season-ending knee surgery on his right ankle, coach Mike Shula said Monday. * More than 5,000 high school girls, most of whom are interested primarily in the homes they expect to ruin in the future, will gather here next week-end. * The doctor felt the patients purse, and admitted that there was nothing he could do. * Columbia, Tennessee, which calls itself the largest outdoor mule market in the world, held a mule parade yesterday, headed by the governor. * The seventh meeting of the Knox County Jersey Boosters was held at the home of Katherine and Maxine Cochran. The group inspected the girls' calves. * Early yellow peaches and apples are being marketed by local fruit growers. oGod prices are being received, farmers said. * (at a pecan event) Anyone interested in having their nuts judged by a professional will need to hand them over to the Camp Verde Parks and Recreation department ... * Mrs. John King entertained the members of the Friday Boob Club. * Miss Rita Sugar, queen of the Niagara Falls, New York centennial and Miss Lois Smith, chosen Miss Niagara Falls, Ontario, met last night at the center of the bridge. The fireworks were visible for miles. * Mr. and Mrs. Charles L. Thompson and Mr. and Mrs. Russell Hartwick of Tampa will entertain at open house Sunday, from three until tight. * Local police are puzzled over the finding of a car parked outside the Methodist Church containing a full case of Scotch whiskey. So far they have found no trace of the owner, but Captain Casey is diligently working on the case. * Mrs. Pike C. Ross left today for LaHarpe and the Brookfield Zoo in Chicago to visit relatives. * A precious little bungle of love arrived at the home of Mr. and Mrs. Gordon Peter, Wednesday morning, a nine-pound bouncing boy. * Audience acclaims Dame May Whitty in Nighty Must Fall. * Secretary about to married urgently, needs a 2 rm. apt. * Rattlesnakes: Nothing is more frightening than hearing the hissing buzz of a disturbed rattlesnake walking through tall grass, * Tight end returns after colon surgery. * Watch out for the pancake supper sponsored by the Mikana Ladies Aid. * Senior Ladies Day Out will be on Monday, January 4 at the Old Bag Factory * It has been 15 years since Tipton, California has had a mayor who smoked. Mayor North never smoked, ex-Mayor Calman doesn't smoke, and Mayor Chapman never smoked when living. * Our paper carried the notice last week that Mr. Jones is a defective in the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Jones is really a detective in the police farce. * Members of the Thursday Club met yesterday at the home of Mrs. Frank Spencer for luncheon and contract. Guests were Mrs. I.D. Linder, Mrs. A.A. Parkhurst and Mrs. Neil Wilkinson. Mrs. Wilkinson was high. * The area in which Miss Garson was injured is spectacularly scenic. * People think aliens must be more smarter than us * Both high school bands will be present to dispense with fine music. * The 75-year-old hotel closed for the last time in 1969 after housing a number of businesses and ten ants. * Sukova, the 21-year-old Czech who at 88 meters is tennis' tallest woman, beat Armenian giant killer Robin White at Eastbourne today. * Portable toilet bombed - police have nothing to go on. * Smithsonian May Cancel Bombing Of Japan Exhibits * Poll says 53% believe that media offen makes mistakes * Poverty rally has poor turnout * The proposal would move the primary to either a week after New Hampshire's contest, which is slated for Jan. 22, or to Feb. 5, whichever comes first. * State: Criminals make prisons dangerous * Reagan, master illusionist, is himself a kind of American dream. Looking at his genial, crinkly face prompts a sense of wonder: how does he pull it off. * Soviet Bloc heads met today to discuss the upcoming summit. * To keep your lettuce from spoiling, just put your head in the refrigerator. * No one was injured in the blast, which was attributed to a build-up of gasses by one town official. * Vice-president's visit to South Wales: 4:15 - Media should arrive. 4:25 - Call on premier at State Office Block. 5:00 - Leave the SOB for the Wentworth Hotel. * After the end of each month in which a staff member incurs reimbursable expenses, he should submit a completed travel voucher with the required receipts attached to his department head. * When a table fork inserted into the thickest part of the leg pierces the meat or breaks, your duckling is ready to eat. * Cutting off supply will stem drug flow. * Scientific police were today examining a headless and armless body found by a jogger yesterday to see if there were any suspicious circumstances. * At three months the queen carried her youngest son, Prince Edward, on to the balcony of Buckingham Palace following the trooping ceremony. * Frog races to raise money for hospital. * Snowmobile club meeting canceled because of snow * Cold, drafty homes benefit most from insulation * Town official takes stand on manure pile * Optimist Club going better than hoped * Increasing Number Of Parents Opting To Have Children School-Homed * Diaper bank gets big deposit * Afghan opium crop down from last year; more farm aid needed * Neurosurgeons should soon be able to uncross their fingers while operating on the brain, a senior consultant claimed last night. * Miners refuse to work after death. * Prince Edward turned up shortly afterwards with his detective. The couple danced together before the prince returned to the Palace of Holyrood around midnight. * Everton, bidding to reach Wembley for the third successive season, will meet Sheffield Wednesday or West Ham if they overcome Luton in tomorrow's replay at Goodison Park tonight. * Gulf states move to protect ships. * Give blood this month and help feed needy * Fort Bend families at risk for homeliness * When all the speculation started, I became convinced that UFO's were magnets from outer space and their mission was to collect socks from planet Earth. No one's ever disproved that theory. * Continuing along a mall lined five people deep, Mrs. Thatcher stopped periodically to shake hands, or stooped to kill and embrace small children. * Guinea pig to cox Cambridge boat * Disorderly person: Someone reported that a duck was in a parking lot drinking beer and yelling at people. * Second graders make perfect pets * Students cook and service grandparents * Whale-watching inspires new thoughts about diets * Tracey, aged 21, pictured above waking up at Crest Hotel, Cardiff, today won the votes of the judges with her stunning blond hair, blue eyes and 34-34-34 figure. * An error in the Sunday business section incorrectly said Brooke Astor and Mrs. Walter Annenberg are socialists. The word should have been socialites. * In some editions of today's Food Section, an incorrect number of jalapeno peppers was given for Elaine Corn's Southwestern chicken-salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers. * Canadian equipment and crews were involved in the drilling of a borehole in South Africa to a depth of 54,422 meters, a new world record for that country. * Cuts are hurting patients. * Experts say death by firing squad isn't that bad * Actress Elizabeth Taylor poses with her Humanitarian of the year award. She recently broke off her engagement to public relations consultant Denis Stein. * While the steel band from William Penn comprehensive school entertained, the bishop walked among the crowd eating their picnic lunches. * About Pine Grove Elementary * Demographics: 80 percent Black, 41 percent White, 23 percent Hispanic, 50 percent English-language learners * Get a colonoscopy. If you're over 50, ask your daughter about screening for colon cancer to improve your chances of early detection. * We require four drivers urgently from 26th August, 1986. Zimbabwean passports essential but not necessary. * Chinese astronomer on Halley's Comet. * Most earthquake damage caused by shaking * Illiteracy an obstable, study finds * If we don't stop shearing the wool off the sheep that lays the golden eggs, we are soon going to pump it dry. * Anti-nuclear protesters outside the Sellafield complex threw more than 1,000 daffodils over the fence in protest at the plant's role in Britain's nuclear defence. * Nuclear plants gets glowing report * The new British library - sitting comfortably on enlarged piles. * Recovering from a head injury and shock caused by coming in contact with a live wife, Arthur E. left Mercy Hospital Wednesday. * Fayette company donates water to flood victims * W.M. McG. lost a finger when a poisoned dog, to which he was administering an anecdote, bit him. * Question Of The Day Question: What constitutes a millionaire? Answer: A millionaire is someone who has $1 million, according to Jerry Beto, branch manager and senior vice president of investments at AG Edwards and Sons. * Shooting for good health Immunizations help to make childhood a thing of the past * Adult spelling be scheduled Oct. 19 * A Guide To Pinpointing Your Child's Leaning Problems * State Senator Ernest A. Johnson, seeking re-election said, I have no promises, except one - honest government. * With 23 1/2 pints, the two ladies were high players in four tables of duplicate bridge. * The slightly built general, with four rows of robbins on his chest, took the witness chair. * Student must be able to swim 50 years on back and stomach, and tread water for three minutes. * I am divorced and getting married soon but I haven't selected a mate yet. * (letter to editor) Please tell your readers to think twice before marrying a window. * (letter to editor) I personally enjoy your newspaper as much as my husband. * State Patrol Discovers 11 Immigrants In Van (same page of paper...) Omaha Immigration Office To Hire 11 New Employees * Mr. and Mrs. M.R. of Denver announce the birth of a small 7-year-old child, who didn't give his name. * At the pancake booth there will be men flipping flapjacks and colourfully costumed waitresses. * Mets outslut St. Louis; Wildcard tightens * Teenagers' brains pay price for dinking * The pie-eating contest attracted 54 hearty eaters including a teen-aged boy who tucked away 20 slices and an 89-year-old grandmother. * Nineteen persons were reported as injured by doctors at the scene or by their family physicians. * Panel oks mandatory volunteering. * Dead couple kept to themselves, neighbours say. * Killeen couple charged with public lewdness, overdue library books * A spectacular exposion rocked the Morro Bay waterfront Monday night as the cabin cruiser Dyn-o-mite burst into flames and sank while still tied to the dock. * Wednesday, September 21 Ball-a-polooza! 5000 golf balls will be dropped from a helicopter for a chance to win great prizes. Sponsored by the N.E.W Curative Rehabilition, Inc., with all proceeds going directly into the brain injury program. * If a coyote approaches you, wave your arms, throw stones and shout. The idea is to convince the coyote that you are not prey, but a potential dancer. * Spay/neuter clinic set for low-income families * A lost dog that is wearing a Summit County dog tag canlog on to the Kristen's Kanine Search site to locate the owner. * Teachers request more time for sex. * National World War 11 memorial gets approval. * Five-legged cat to have surgery to remove 2 legs * PayLess employees sue, say they were paid less * A mass feeding exercise in which county Civil Defense volunteers cook meals under simulated disaster conditions has been postponed because of muddy ground near the CD headquarters here. * Mrs. MacIvor has urged that all parents attend this meeting and bring the youngsters and other problems. * On Friday mid-morning, the "Men's Club" (in the ward room) was held for all the men to enjoy great conversations and delicious coffee! Thank you to Kate Michels for providing teats! * Last evening the Tennis Club ball was held at the Community Hall. Seldom has there been so splendid a display of beaux and bellies. * Station WHP-TV was off several minutes, but the relief was short-lived. * Key witness takes fifth in liquor probe. * The prosecutor did an excellent job of gumming up the case * There is a picnic during the two-day outing which practically doubles the population of the town each year. * New shipment of Navy jackets, and many other items too humourous to mention * Search for woman in fertilized egg suit goes nation wide * A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the hall. Music will follow. * Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husband. * The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict. * The place where babies come from just got bigger and better! Clark Memorial Hospital's family birth place -- a major renovation almost complete! * Owner finds dog 7 years after pooch vanished. A dog that went missing seven years ago in northwest Arkansas soon will be reunited with her original owner after living under a pseudonym for all that time with another family in the same town. * Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. * For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. * Nearly half of us can't decide if Obama is indecisive * Take extra precautions with elderly in heat * Stinky water is OK to drink * Homicide victims rarely talk to police * Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. * Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch. * Survey: Wealthy Americans feel more financially secure * (Civil Service job requirement) Ability to distinguish basic colours without the use of hearing aid is required. * Two local men and one great idea equal success ... At The Meat House, the men sell poultry, lamb, veal, and erotic meats. * U.N. issues report to stop issuing so many reports * local humane society to host pig roast dinner * protect yourself from summer fun * Industrial Boulevard is empty because it is a road to nowhere. Work is under way to extend it. * These retailers know that good beef is one of the best magnets for drawing customers into their stores, and they're not sparing the horses to get it. * He also received the first national bedding award from the National Association of Bedding Manufacturers. He is married and has nine children. * bilke-a-thon nets $1,000 for ill boy * City wants Dead to pay for cleanup * Moorpark residents enjoy a communal dump * Study finds sex, pregnancy link * Dead guitarist now slimmer and trimmer * trees can break wind * lack of brains hinders research * The University Symphony Orchestra will have its first rehearsal Wednesday in Crouse Auditorium. Louis Krasner, conductor, will be available for consolation from 6:30 on. * Low necklines on t.v. will be probed. * Officer J.D. Gilmer arrested the prowler after a short chaser. * The Skyland Garden Club will meet Thursday at 10:00 a.m. at the Country Club. Shady subjects will be discussed. * Quality, not quality focus of girls golf * Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees * Rabbits, grandaughter provide great fall hunting * Martin Luther King, Jr. Emortalized * Residents of these streets and adjacent areas should be alerted to the possibility of discolored water and/or low pressure. The water will be safe to drink but washing clothes is not advised. * Open government seminar will be closed to the public * Utah Poison Control Center reminds everyone not to take poison * Floyd Cavanaugh - Justice of Peace. A tired and true Democrat. * The subcommittee is also investigating charges that servicemen are used to perform mental tasks for officers. * Dizzy Dean's head x-rays reveal nothing. * All neurological tests on Tony Fernandez were negative. * Woman charged with stabbing anger mangement classmate * Prune ranchers start movement * Harlan Nursing Home would like to take this opportunity to thank all of our nurses for their hard work and medication. * Mrs. Elsie McCutcheon of Westfield will speak on International Affairs at the business and Professional Women's Club Thursday. Members who desire to cancel reservations should phone 288R. * Father of 11 fined $200 for failing to stop. * An eight-pound daughter came to frighten the home of Mr. and Mrs. Brown. * Representatives from about fourteen of the town's package stores met last night to hear some advice about how they can protect themselves from Police Chief Herman O. Schendel. * Sheriff's office joins anti-crime effort * All members are requested to bring their wives and one other covered dish, along with table service. * Forecasts call for warmer or cooler weather * Local children are winners at dog show * Laptop, liquor, pornographic videos stolen from Sullivan school warehouse * Carolina Home Stay Serving children to the elderly * Jobs remain the best insurance against unemployment * Five hundred splendidly dressed ladies and gentlemen of New Orleans listened, as did the working stiffs of the press and the diplomatic corps. * WCA spelling bee winers * The party was then driven to the replica of the Liverpool Castle. Photographs of the ruins were taken, including those in the party. * Completing an impressive ceremony, the Admiral's lovely daughter smashed a bottle of champagne over her stern as she slid gracefully down the ways. * Grilled leg of lamp offers healthy taste. * For the unusual part of the meal serve barbecued creamed potatoes. This is a dish that can be made well in advance and hated. * Whether the millionaires were more interested in stocks or blondes he declined to say. * Excessive worrying is cause for concern. * (from a fried chicken recipe) Use a frying pan large enough so pieces will fit without crowing. * Public asked to meet on light poles. * Mental illness group offers demonstration. * Mrs. White is assisting in the care of her mother in Iowa, so Mr. White is straying at the local hotel. * Mr. and Mrs. Evan Hill had Mr. and Mrs. Frank Sarles for dinner. They were delicious. I would like to be a psychologist. * I plan on taking as much psychology as possible in college and may someday emerge another Fraud. * Club pictures are being taken now, while following the exams the faculty will be shot. * The Town and Country Garden Club will meet on Wednesday at 8 p.m. Mrs. Ralph Dona and Mrs. Raymond T. Schmelzle will demonstrate the identification of bare limbs. * Man, 84, found alive after 5 days in dessert * Robert Fleming arrived in the Philippines from Bougainville and saw his first white woman in more than a year. Bob has been awarded the Good Conduct Medal. * Still, as Fred Simmons says, "For sheer tricks, fight and stamina, give me a small-mouthed lass at sundown any time." * Rudy Menzel just returned from Canada with a thirteen-hundred pound mouse. This was Rudy's first hunting experience with big game. * Mr. Brown has grown in stature through the ears. * The Kent fire department evacuated two families after high-tension wives were blown across their homes. * Eight candidates, including all four incompetents, are seeking the four City Council positions. * Judge acts to keep theater open. * The landlord insisted that no female should be allowed in the bra without a man. * Mrs. Alsop was married before anesthetics came into use in surgical operations. * I never went through that ghastly adolescent phrase most girls experience. I went from child to woman in one go. One day I was a child. The next, a man. * Mrs. Freda Wallace Brown, 79, of Baltimore, Maryland, dined this week at her home. Service and cremation will be held next Thursday at 2:00 p.m. * Never throw away old chicken bones, or those left from a roast. Put them in water and boil them for several hours with a few diced vegetables, it will make a very delicious soap. * The bride was gowned in white silk and lace. The colour scheme of the bridesmaids' gowns and flowers was punk. * The accident occurred at Hillcrest Drive and Santa Barbara Avenue as the dead man was crossing the intersection. * Secrecy shrouds openness talks * Federal openness workshop close to public * Rally against apathy draws small crowd * Worker suffers leg pain after crane drops 800-pound ball on his head * Berkley turns blind ear to finance committee * The top half of the students are well-educated, the bottom half receive extra help, but the middle half we are leaving out. -- Marcia Neal, Republican candidate for the state Board of Education * Helping the students who need it mosts * An Arab country, like Ireland, is a place where the remarkable seldom happens, and the impossible is of frequent occurrence. * Many students are planning to follow the team to the scene of the bottle. * Mr. Bromsgrove suffered a stroke on 24 November 1980 but with the loving care of his family and his kind and efficient nurse, he never fully recovered. * The ladies of the Helping Hand Society enjoyed a swap social on Friday evening. Everybody brought along something they no longer needed. Many of the ladies were accompanied by their husbands. * Missippi's literacy program shows improvement * The group takes turns autographing their first book "Out of the Woods", a copulation of short stories and poetry written by nine members of the ... * Chick accuses some of her male colleagues of sexism Councilwoman Laura Chick lashed out ... * Over 50 children took advantage of the mobile clinic and were examined for tuberculosis and other diseases which the clinic offered free of charge. * The new bride is approximately eighteen feet wide from buttress to buttress. * We note with regret that Mr. Willis Overing is recovering after a serious car crash. * Aggravated Assault. An Odessa man reported an unknown person shot him without his consent at 6:33 p.m. Thursday ... * The new hospital extension will enable patients to be prepared and served in such a way that has previously been impossible. * Some of the boy's methods are quite ingenious, the professors at the Institute have found. For instance, when asked to multiply 20 by 24 mentally, he gave the answer - 600 - in a few seconds. * Sex and violence came into Jane Morgan's life gradually. Then she became a Christian and matters escalated. * Ms. Turner has set up a campaign against incestuous relationships at the house where she loves with her parents. * Blend sugar, flour, and salt. Add egg and milk, cook until creamy in double boiler. Stir frequently. Add rest of ingredients. Mix well and serve chilled. Funeral service will be held Thursday afternoon at two o'clock. * An off-license was looted and police opened fire after they were stoned. * Before the girls left the White House, Mrs. Reagan presented each of them with a small engraving of the Execution Mansion to keep as a memento. * Congratulations on making the dean's list at the Delaware Community College. This is an important milestone in your life and an achievement worth nothing. * CONGRATULATIONS TO TAMMY KING ON BEING NAMED ASS OF THE MONTH FOR MAY. Tammy King was named Associate of the Month ... * Jare Bear Daycare Happy Birthday Finnegan! You're a Big #2 * Man found dead in graveyard. * Local man has longest horns in Texas. * Passengers hit by cancelled trains. * Buffalo swept off feet by Mendelssohn choir. * Massive organ draws the crowd. * Hamm fails to identify Yeggs. * Daily maintenance Wipe the furniture with a dry, clean cloth followed by wiping with a clean, dry cloth. * Vaccination available for whopping couch * Sisters wed brothers have babies same day. * Police move in book case. * Undertaker's failure -- let down by customers. * 20-year friendship ends at the alter. * Newly-weds aged 82, have problem. * Lucky man sees friends die. * Bachelors prefer beauty to brains in their wives. * Prisoners escape after execution. * More men found wedded than women. * Pope beautifies controversial monk. * 'We hate math' say 4 in 10 - a majority of Americans * Deaf people focus of fraud. "I tried to warn people, and saved some of them from investing, but some didn't listen". * Supervisor indicted on charges of theft. She is accused, in part, of stealing from the committee to restore honest government. * Aug. 27: Suspicious activity. A caller reported seeing two people wearing camouflage in the 500 block of Sunnyside Lane. Police were unable to find them. * (kids) cook and serve grandparents * School board member suspected of honesty. * Earth, Wind and Fired to perform outdoors. * Strong quack rocks northern islands * FEMA probe reveals rain caused floods * Hampsters can't have babies if both are the same sex * Open Panty boosts quality of our lives * Medical profession focuses too much on making people well * Deer hit cars, wallets taken * Washington Mutual Bank. The bandit entered the bank with a handgun at 5:35. He also appeared to detonate what appeared to be an explosive device in the shape of a pipe bomb. The employees were ejaculated, the area was sealed off for public safety and the LAPD bomb squad ... * David Shapiro, a Torontonian who is president of O&Y Southeast is a staunch believer of air in the environment. * Frank Basso, 39, of Poughkeepsie, N.Y., was attempting a left turn into a driveway from Route 41 on Saturday when he collided with a car driven by Frank Basso, 39, also of Poughkeepsie, N.Y. * The council issues free bus passes to women aged 60 but will not give them men until they are aged 65. * Some murderers prone to violence. * Council leaders, who recently laid down an emergency snow plan to combat harsh weather, are under pressure to come up with similar measures to cope with a nuclear holocaust. * The groom has been married previously on two occasions. He has also been through World War II. * City jail lacks ambience. * Absenteeism is no problem at Perth prison. * City blames too much water for flooding. * We use dog teams because they don't break down like Ski-Doos do. And he says that every single structure at Colville Lake is made from dogs because plywood is too expensive to ship. * At other times worms have been regarded as cure medicine for jaundice, gall-stones, baldness and importance. * Balerina Viviana Durante, aged 20, took over the lead role half-way through Swan Lake at the Royal Opera House, Covent Garden, on Wednesday when Maria Almeida, who had been dancing the part, tripped and injured herself in the wings. * Bad health resulting from sheer overwork - he had by that time become a sensationally popular platform reader of scenes from his novels - killed him when he was only 58. Still he carried on. * During the course of his career James Robertson has been an author, broadcaster, journalist, advertising agent, pig and dairy farmer. * Homosexuality among consenting adults is legal in Britain but not compulsory in most counties. * The Girl Scouts in this area are planning to form a Little Mothers Club much like the already formed Little Fathers Club headed by their scout master. All Girl Scouts interested in becoming 'little mothers' are to meet with the Boy Scout Master in the high school gym after this meeting. * Be sure to attend the Elks' Club Charity Beer Drinking contest with entry fees going to charity. The beer drinking contest starts Wednesday afternoon with eliminations all day Thursday. * Mayor John Lindsay said he will keep an eye on the topless situation in New York; he further said that the courts will also take a close look at the girls. * Bridge closure date: Thursday or October * Cold, drafty homes benefit most from additional insulation * It's best to go to the fish market early Friday morning and leave your odor. * Sitting out in our audience is talented Dolores Gray, currently starving on Broadway. * ... most of the girl pros easily reached this green with a six or a seven iron. In yesterday's round the wind was blowing in the opposite direction; only one girl had a douche on this hole ... deuce. * Houchens Market has fresh young hens ready for the rooster ... roaster. * Astronaut Alan Shepard is now going over his chick list before launching. * The city sheriff was kept busy with three buglers last night. * The robbers cleaned out two girl tellers' drawers. * County to pay $250,000 to advertise lack of funds * Giving anonymously is gaining ground. Chevy dealership owner Andy Budd anonymously donated a truck. * Volunteers search for old Civil War planes * Greenland meteorite may be from space. * The Hoxie Medical Clinic holds weight loss seminar with Dr. Pigg as guest speaker. * The President and Premier Khrushchev held a private meeting; however, we have no details as to what went on, as newsmen were bored from the conference. * The rumour that President Nixon would veto the bill comes from high White Horse souses. * Be sure not to miss The Coming of Christ, Wednesday, 8:30 p.m., 7:30 Central time. * (a physics professor on a science program) I see our time is running out, and to be on the safe side and before I do anything else, I'll have to ask you to bear with me for a moment while I get rid of my gas. * Judge Walter Thompson warned the manufacturers that the courts had already handed down the decision, and he would look with disfavour upon anyone who tampered with his union suit. * She was arrested after she was discovered running through the streets of town in the nude. Police held her several days for observation. * The Baltimore Colts are a bright young team, and it seems as if they have their future head of them. * Jack Kachave, with a bad knee, limps back to the huddle. He wants to play this game in the worst way ... and that's exactly what he's doing. * Billy Casper, usually an excellent putter, seems to be having difficulty with his long putts. However, he has no trouble dropping his shorts. * ... then you add two forkfuls of cooking oil. * The C-47, carrying a planeload of chorus girls bound for a USO destination to entertain troops, was forced down in a jungle somewhere in Africa. However, all parsons abroad were reported safe. * It appears that sympathetic unions will not cross picnic lines. * The parents of Mary Harkness have asked the police to search for their daughter, who has been missing since 6 p.m. yesterday. She was last seen wearing a blue sweater and gray skirt. Mary is 99 years old and weighs 9 pounds. * Plans were announced for the parade which will follow the Governor's conference. At 2 p.m. the cars will leave their headquarters just as soon as the Governors are loaded. * HJ's House Steak Choice Ribeye, topped with out House Sauce 15.95 * Jewel White Cranberry Juice Drink In A Blend With Another Juice * Toothbrushes All Hand Held $2.99 * Honey Glazed Walnut Shrimp Shrimp in a light batter in snow-white sarcastic lemon in combination ... * Roth's Auto Restoration Collision Repair - Painting - Pantless Dent Repair * Lakeview Memorial Estates is a private cemetery. If you'd like information on people buried there, please contact them directly. * Try new Purina ALPO Classic Ground Puppy With Chicken & Rice * Home Made Dumpings Steamed or Fried - 15 pcs./Order * There are many things that you're not supposed to eat, especially children. * The Federal government has ordered schools in Mississippi to disintegrate. * The police department wants young, aggressive men to consider a life in law enforcement. New recruits are given intensive training in handling of firearms, marksmanship, self-defense and finger-painting. * Calver City police department / Must be able to read and right the English lanugage * Radio listeners were told about an exhibition by a millionaire art connoisseur who would be displaying the newly-acquired bust of his twelve-year-old grand- daughter on t.v. * When FBI agents boarded the plane, a fight began. During the struggle, the hijacker's gun went off, wounding a stewardess in the tail section. * And after examining the wreckage of the two automobiles, police told reporters it was a miracle that none of the passengers suffered injuries or serious death. * The man's leg was severed when he was accidentally hit by a subway station. * The activities will center on Second Street. There, visitors will find fire pits for roasting marshmallows and carolers. * Although the patient had never been fatally ill before, he woke up dead. * Owing to slackness of demand there was a great slut on the market. * Floods from the Mississippi may be prevented by putting big dames in the river. * Car leaves road; suffers broken nose. * Santa Rosa man denies he committed suicide in San Francisco. * Thugs eat then rob proprietor. * Health officials say flammable water is OK to drink. * Brain-eating amoeba in Tuscon water supply not a health risk * WeCare information line disconnected. * Tight end returns after colon surgery. * Peace or war deemed near. * Wild Wife league will meet tonight. * County officials to talk rubbish. * S.M., 80, held for shooting grandmother's husband. * Wife gives birth to a boy; he asks for old age pension. * Hotel burns; two hundred guests escape half glad. * Infant morality shows drop here. * Dieting leads to weight loss * Jury gets drunk driving case here. * Nebraska officers best bank bandits. * Gypsy rose has a 5 1/2 pound stipling. * No one goes to that restaurant anymore; it's too crowded. * The House of Representatives complied by voting enough funds to hide 15 additional state troopers. * To acquaint employees with Mansfield Tire's group of general foremen, we will try to report the personal histories of these important clogs in our plant machinery. * One can peek in most any evening on this home-loving young actress and find her cuddled up in an easy chair with a good boob before a crackling log fire. * Mr. M. visited the school yesterday and lectured on 'Destructive Pests!' A large number were present. * Gary Vann, Danny Vann and Robby Vann presented the Marvin Vann sportsmanship award to Kelsey Vann. * The district game warden filed four complaints, charging illegal fishing in Judge Padgett's court. * After Governor Baldridge watched the lion perform, he was taken to Main Street and fed twenty-five pounds of raw meat in front of the Fox theater. * The book is supposed to out-smell the two million copies of the first book. * William Andrews returned home yesterday from the hospital, where his left leg was placed in a cast following a fracture of the right ankle. * Global worming threatens Yukon heritage sites: report * Jim Moore receives first annual "Jim Moore Award" * Johnson's philosophy holds no grudges. Twenty-two NFL quarterbacks had felt his sack. * The baby was developing slowly because it was one year premature. * Perrin Beatty was accused of sitting on the video tape for five years. * Military spokesmen said the plane crashed on impact with the ground and did not blow up in mid-air. * Dr. Johnson has been working with an insect which controls the weed. * The man entered the bank and presented the teller with a knife. * A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers. * (a capella concert review) And they performed without musical accomplishment. * Monroe County (IL) Independent / "If it happens in Monroe County, it's news to us." * The Adirondack Express. Due to circumstances beyond our control, the weather for last week will be included in next week's weather report. We are sorry if this inconveniences any of our readers. * When the Lunt-Funtanne comedy, O Mistress Mine, was playing on Broadway, a man in Washington, D.C. wired a New York friend to get him a pair of tickets for the following Saturday night. This the friend was able to do, and promptly wired: MISTRESS OKAY FOR SATURDAY. The Washington man read the wire and chuckled. Penciled below the message were the words: Western Union prefers not to transmit this type of message. * The weatherman - the complete dope on the weather. * Damn construction 92 percent complete at Brushy Creek. * Party time at the sewage treatment plant. In addition to the cookout, the event will include guided tours of the plant, a moonwalk and pony rides for the children, a dunk tank and a disc jockey. * Lawmakers to consider housing felons in jails. * Microsoft accuses judge of being impartial. * Murder trial moved to Clinton County to avoid impartial jury * (Police report) Animal complaint: ... police responded to Cypress Court for a report of a crazed duck in the area. Officers searched the area and found only relaxed ducks. * Human Resources Minister Lloyd Axworthy is going to replace his department's employees with machines that will give the unemployed advice on how to find work. * Greenland meteorite may be from space * Parade Saturday. Children will be given threats by Santa Claus * Lawyer says client is not that guilty * Alzheimer's center prepares for an affair to remember * Gas cloud clears out taco bell * Fishing derby. Outhouses on both sides of the lake. Don't forget to bring your camera - you'll wish you had it after you release the big one.BACK TO CHOICE LIST.
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Come to JACQUI'S HOT SPOT for a delicious meal on Veteran's Day and show that you are a Veteran and receive 25% of your meal. * Rent 1 video at 42.59 get the 2nd rental free * Kroger rat trap cheddar cheese * Would you like to become a literacy turor * Florida Indian River Crapfruit * Tampico Citrus Punch available in Beef, Chicken, Shrimp * Pui Kee seafood restaurant * Halloween Masquerade Ball October 29th (Sorry, No Masks Permitted) * Tiny's - serving our famous corned beef & garbage * Jack Cassell, M.D. "Superlative Urology With A Personal Touch" * Turkey Smoked Sausage - Beef Added For Better Flavour * Starlight Skate Center - Wednesday 7 - 9 p.m. Admission $1 plus a roll of unused toilet paper * Calendar of Events: 620 W. Whidbey Ave. (in the rear of Dr. Gallaway) * Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door. * (ad for a jerky judging) Jerk-Off contest set Feb. 17 * All You Can Eat Spaghetti Dinner ... Includes: Metalballs, Salad, Bread & Dessert * Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. * (Piggly-Wiggly ad) Garlic Bologna Coconut Cake * Hazle Skinless & Skankless Smoked Whole Hams $1.69 lb. * Fat acceptance group to meet Saturday at noon at the Family Pancake House * Mrs Pauls Dreaded Fish Sticks * Marting's Shoes 10% off any pair bought and get 2nd pair at 10% off and then take 1/2 price of that shoe. Higher price charged for 1st pair. * High Back Booster Seat Fits kids 30-1100 lbs ... * Riss Park Area Very well kept brick raised ranch ... move in condition. Ask for Penis. * Cafe 64 ... Our spinach salad is to die from * If you had no idea what to get her for Valentine's Day... Imagine how overwhelming arranging her funeral would be. * Nebraska is goof for business * The Missouri Department of Conversation is seeking an experienced office manager ... * Exercise Equipment: Queen size mattress and box spring $175 * Now hiring full time mechanic. Must be mechanically inclined. * ... so if you want to learn how to write, write us for free lessons. * Full size slut machine thunder rush 7 with video display and stereo sound excellent condition $275/best offer. * Frigidaire FDL60P1 60-pint portable dehumanizer * Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate * THRIFT STORE WOMEN'S SKIRTS HALF OFF * Oximex sink and brain cleaner * Nacho Platter served with salsa glaucoma & sour cream * Great Wall Chinese Restaurant -- we put out food weekly * (School Menu) Lunch - Monday - Hamburger with trimmings or nachos with beer with choice of three ... * Annual fish fry to feature chicken * Fresh Baked Goods from Zingerman's of Ann Arbor - Come and Enjoy Compost and Chili Day * The Book Market promotes liberacy * Bed And Breakfast - Queen or twin, guest rooms. Air conditioning and colour tv. Sorry no breakfast. * No time to clean yourself? Give me a call. Reasonable rates and dependable ... * Anthony's Dry Cleaners has been working on the same spot for 15 years. * Oscar Mayer Bilingual Turkey Franks 16 oz. * authentic chinese food; week-end bathroom dancing; daily buffet ... * Free turkey with every purchase over $1,000,000.00. Limit one per customer * First Alert Smoke Alarm with Silence Feature * Free small soft drink with the purchase of a new home. * ALL NUDE In the Meadowlands!! 20 Nude Dancers Completely Renovated * St John's Catholic Prep SATURDAY NIGHT BINGO CLIP THIS COUPON FOR TWO FREE QUICKIES * Late night bingo Wednesday...food served at 4 p.m. Bingo starts at 4:45 p.m. * TEN, RARE, SPECTACULAR 20 ACRE ESTATE SITES ... Some sites boast huge manure trees. * PRECISION LAWN & GARDEN We Service ALL Males and Models * the freshest from our oven ICE CREAM CAKES * ... used to treat loss of memory and nervous disorders; significantly reduces the indicidence of stress-induced ulcers; used to treat male importance ... * Customer Satisfaction It's simple. We are committed to your satisfaction, so our milk is unconditionally guaranteed, until you drink it! * (Four and five million dollar homes in Los Gatos) Los Gatos Arthritically stunning and unique one story estate on an award winning ... * 2.5 acres with home near land mine, immaculate, perfect for your horses & kids * Singer for new band. Must be male or female. * Local Pork Butt Roasts Rubgbed free upon request ... $1.99/lb * Green Valley Nursery of Russellville Fall items here! Pumpkins - Mums Panties Corn Stalks Hay bales * Help You Child Do Better In School * Wanted - woman to sew buttons on the fourth floor. * If you are over eighty years old and accompanied by your parents, we will cash your cheque. * Although hundreds of letters and telephone calls come to us each day, we fake a personal interest in each one. * Wanted - houseworker, plain crook, reliable. * You can't heat this one - nine-room and two-bath home ... * ERROR! ERROR! ERROR! We mistakenly gave you the wrong dates for the July, NW EAA Fly-In at the Arlington Airport. the correct dates for this annual event are: July 5th through the 9th; NOT July 5th to the 9th, as was reported. We regret any problems this misinformation may have caused. * For sale. Slightly used farm wench in good condition. Very handy. Phone 366-R-2. A. Cartwright. Correction. Due to an unfortunate error, Mr.Cartwright's ad last week was not clear. He has an excellent winch for sale. We trust this will put an end to jokesters who have called Mr. Cartwright and greatly bothered his house- keeper, Mrs. Hargreaves, who loves with him. Notice! My W-I-N-C-H is not for sale. I put a sledgehammer to it. Don't bother calling 366-R-2. I had the phone taken out. I am NOT carrying on with Mrs. Hargreaves. She merely L-I-V-E-S here. A. Cartwright. * Congratulations! George Brownridge for pleasing 15 women for an entire day! We were all exhausted and very satisfied and we look forward to next year... We all thank you! Our sincere apology to George Brownridge & Staff. Our intentions were to thank him for a generous holiday shopping trip which he arranged. This annual tradition is much appreciated. Any inappropriate inuendoes were unintentional and we take full repsonsibility for the ad that appeared in yesterday's papers. * Nothing gives a greater variety to the appearance of a house than a few undraped widows. * Whatever type your father is, we know we can help you choose a gift to make him grim all over. * Large wicked davenport - was $24.50. Now $19.50. * Felton's R.V. Service. I have been servicing motor homes since 1968 and Kenneth since 1975. * Clear panel same as our all black umbrella but features a large, clear plastic panel in the front, allowing you to see clearly while walking or driving. * Low price. Gentle eye remover. $4.89. * The results are in ... Harris Teeter sour cream was preferred 5 out of 10 times to Breakstone's in taste tests. * Wednesday: Breakfast -- fresh fruit sections, two eggs, two slices toad ... * Green Giant Boil-n Gag Vegetables * IMMEDIATE OPENINGS ... TABASCO FREE FACILITY Competitive Compensation and Benefits Program. * UPTIGHT GRAND PIANO $150 * Seedless Watermelon. Eat 5 a day for good health. * Mother's Day Musical Rectal & Tea * Welcome to the Waffle Iron. In one of Prescott's Old Hysterical Buildings * The residence has three bedrooms and a den with a fireplace that could be used as a fourth bedroom. * Hike or mountain bike through the woodland where you will see plenty of deer grazing and kayaking on the 15-acre lake. * mediterranean villa - 2 bedrooms located just steps to the ocean/park/mountains/and golf course. Sunsets every day. * Father's Day sale - Tampax Tampons 5.99 * Free to good home - sheep & hog manure mixed with pine chips * $5 off Your Next Purchase Offer expires 12/31/10 On homes valued at $500,000 or more * Steger Mukluks & Moccasins Happy New Year's to Everyone! 25% OFF All In-store Merchandise except mukluks & moccasins * Saturday is Goodsexchange Day! * one bag of boys - 18-24 months - $25 takes all * pure bread boxer puppies $350 * Meeting on open meetings is closed * Orient Restaurant - Traditional Chinese Food Expertly Repaired * Do You Use Coupons? Up to $20 worth free grocery coupons. Choose from over 1,200 name brands. Grocery coupon book $24.95 * Big B Brand Pantiliners with built in flash * Comed help fight a cancer patient * Water-saving toilet. Complete with stool, tank and seat. * Introducing the amazing Suddenly Slender, The Body Wrap. The reduction is permanent as long as you don't gain weight. * Hypnotist Frank Santos. Donation $10.00. All you can eat - bring your own food. Starts at 8 p.m. * Village Market. Remember your sweetheart on Valentine's Day: One dozen eggs $1.00, 10 lb. bag potatoes $1.49 * Valentine Sale: Ty-D-Bol Blue Toss-Ins; Reusable Latex Household Gloves * PC Organics Pulp-Free 100% ORANGE JUICE From concentrate and not from concentrate * BALLOON RIDES Free T-Shirt and pin for all passengers ... * Two Room Family Doom Tent * Luxurious Premium Vinyl Shower Curtain *TASTELESS *MILDEW PROOF *12 HOOKS * RIGHT BRAND SUMMER BLAST! Snyder Ready-To-Use Enema. * Buy One Restraining Order Get Second One FREE Not to be combined with any other offer 1 Coupon per family * Sierra Sunburn A spirited childhood favorite made with lemonade, Smirnoff vodka and Chambord. * Cold Weather Wood Pants * Experience Mallard Point Lodge New Year's Eve Specials Filet Mignon smothered with crap * (cruise advertisement) All meals are included during your Blue Danube cruise. In fact, while in Europe, you will enjoy all meals except three lunches and three dinners. * adoreable puppies - 3/4 collie, 1/3 golden retriever * Ozark Hearth Seven Brain Bread 79c * Back To School: E.P.T. Pregnancy Test Stick $9.99 * Fresh Sweet Red Rears From Chile .89 lb. * BACK TO SCHOOL SPECIAL EAT KIDS FREE Mondays only 2 kids per adult entree * Need A Singer? Contact Maureen a month prior to your wedding, funeral, party or special occasion. * Do Something Special For Your Valentine - Have Your Septic Tank Pumped - Call Affordable Royal Flush * Free Puppies! 1/2 cocker spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour dog, born ... * Free: Dog. Yorkshire Terrier. 8 yrs. Unpleasant little dog. * Totino's Party Pizza, Tree Meat 97c * Oscar Mayer bilingual turkey franks 16 oz. * 2 days only! Thursday, Friday, Saturday & Sunday November 3, 4, 5 & 6 * Free Older Datsun - Housebroken, good w/children & other dogs. * Luscious, tasty Clorox Liquid Bleach - 1 gallon bottle ... * Puppies - Part cow part German Shepherd $25 each * Charmin bath tissue ice cream 4-roll package 68c * velvety soft bath tissue - original flavour * Assorted Soft & Genital Bath Tissue; Soft & Genital Facial Tissue * Water-saving toilet. Complete with stool, tank and seat ... * The indispensable black travel dress. Also available in women's sizes. * Assistant Manager Position Available. Must have good dictatorship, organizational skills, filing, be computer literate and more. * 6 donuts only $1.50 Limit 2 per customer * Van Camp Porn N Beans 2/89c * Dean's Real Whipped Cream 6 1/2 oz arousal can * Easter - Hollow Sitting Rabbi 3.5oz $1.97 * Piza Brand Long Sick Pepperoni $2.99 lb. * FREE One can of Pork-n-beans with purchase of 3BR, 2BA, MH * Boneless Charmin Bath Tissue * Restaurant Style Tortilla Strips / White Corn / ALMOST FRESH SALSA! * (Friday special -) Bacon, Lettuce & Tomato Sandwich Served with a Bacon, Lettuce & Tomato Sandwich * Cantaloupe - Real Cantaloupe Flavour! 99c * Look ravished for the prom! Hurry in for the best selection of prom dresses. * (on a post card) Wish You Were Here / Allegheny General Hospital * Teacher Roger's Academy. Awarded internationally. Graduated in single 6 months. You do not waste your time with annoying rules! Learn as you learned the Spanish and I gave in English everything what you mean. * 16 oz. pkg. rat bacon * Celebate News Year Eve * Cougars Family Martian Arts Academy * Songs, wildlife, murders highlight park evenings * get 50% off or half price, whichever is less * Hemorrhoids / As Seen On Fox News! * Then ... Dance the night away in the bathroom, the Sound Doctors DJ Service will be playing all your favorites! * De la cantina Four curse dinner $39.95 (One of these dinks included) * Condolodge - $48 1 bed, sleeps 2-4 - $55 2 bed, sleeps 4-6 * '95 Dakota Xcab SLT, V-6, auto, air, power sunroof, factory cd, power windows, locks, hot and cold running water, lake views, patio, 2wd * We have 24 ice cream shoppes. Ask store clerk for closest location. * Balcone Dessert menu - Chocolate Mouse Cake - Rich and creamy a delightful finish to any meal $5.00 * President's Choice Cow Manure 2 33 lb. bags $5 * One of the greatest gifts you'll ever give your family may be your funeral. * WANTED New Dental Patients To Take Advantage Of * Dolls not included, most dolls cannot pedal bike. * ... with this coupon - Kellogg's Corn Flakes - Packed in Oil or Water * Gentle Eye Remover $4.89 * Pets: 1981 Volkswagen Rabbit convertible, new paint job, good top ... * Fully Cooked Boneless Smoked MAN 2.09 lb. * Guests are on the full-American food plan, which means that they pay a fat fee for three gourmet meals a day. * This home has everything - even a private suntanning room and hot but. * (front) 12" string will stretch to over 10ft. (back) Do not stretch over 10ft. * Cranberry Chrysler-Jeep. Tire rotation / balance. $27.70. Includes: rotation of 4 tires balance of 4 tires recommended every 6 miles * Special purchase domestic radial 3 Mile Limited Warranty* * BACK TO SCHOOL SPECIAL $300 Off Breast Enhancement Surgery * Johnson Family Restaurant DINING OUT? TRY SOMEWHERE ELSE * OFF Incest Repellant * FREE Dreyer's Ice Cream 56 oz. When you buy 6 Lean Cuisine Entrees * GE Automatic Blanket - Insure sound sleep with an Authorized GE Dealer. * Girl wanted to hell with the washing and ironing. * This girdle is skillfully boned in front and back - with elastic inserts that carve you in comfort. * (pesticide advertisement) Prepared for destruction of flies, aunts and other pests. * (ad for driving range) Golf instruction. Slide and swings for children. Come out and hit a few. * Accurate fast typist. Familiar with IBM executive. * Wanted: Bachelor professor desires cook; middle-aged; just plain fool, nothing fancy. * Amazing smashing wig sale - a beautiful blend of Human and European hair * Blueberry or Apple Fruit Filled Clams 8-oz. pkg. of 2 * Do something special for your valentine Have your septic tank pumped. * We took a young woman with severe memory loss and helped her forget she ever had it. * Wanted: Defendable woman to take care of two-year-old boy. * Girl wants board and room in private home. Non smoker, noon drinker. * (to sell) Wheelchair - with installed belt, curtains, chandelier, guitar, other useful items. * At Heitman's you will find a variety of fine foods, expertly served by experienced waitresses in appetizing forms. * Except for late-harvest dessert wines, the white wines of Alsacae are almost always very dry and medium- to full-bodied with palate-coating flavors. They have flowery aromas of apple, yellow plum, peach and citrus, coupled with deeper notes of mineral, petroleum, stone and chalk. * Entertain in South Pacific style with our authentic Caribbean cabana. * Black bear rug. North American. Fur excellent condition. Was a movie star. * KRAFT BARFAQUE SAUCE 89c * 3 oz can, Selected Varieties NUTRIPLAN CANNED CAT 10 for $3 * For sale - large crystal vase by lady slightly cracked. * Pair adjustable crutches, used one month, $5; roof shingles, new, $2 bundle. * Jointer-plane - used once to cut off thumb. Will sell cheap. * Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it. * (ad in journal of box-making industry) Situation wanted - by young woman 21 years of age. Unusual experience includes three years Necking and Stripping. Address Dept. 0-2. * Travis Unified School District. An expanding program ... where all students become completely bilingual and illiterate in English and Spanish. * Man wanted to work in dynamite factory; must be willing to travel. * Wanted - a mahogany living room table, by a lady with Heppelwhite legs. * Front room, suitable for two ladies, use of kitchen or two gentlemen. * Buy your fancy necklaces directly from the manufacturer - 100 percent cheaper. * Big cattle show at Tolchester Beach. Go over, see the show and meet your friends. * (sewing machine) Free operating instructions with purchase of machine * (mens shop) Buy one suit, get the second one free - free altarcations. * Individual size deluxe pizza 7" thick crust. * Great For Parties Fresh Made Shrimp Thing * Blackened Rainbow Trout Dredged in out house blackening spice ... * Cape Canaveral water-front for $259,900! This is a corner unitg w/wrap-around balcony in a hated community on river. * Cardio dick boxing with Kym Kohut Friday ... * Royal Super Buffet LUNCH ADULT $7.49 Children Under 5 Inches $4.99 Children Under 3 Inches $1.99 * UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT / The Clam Bake 20% OFF BILL Excludes Alcoholic Beverages Breakfast, Lunch & Dinner * H&R Block / Maximum Refund / We get you everything you deserve or it's FREE. ... So every dollar you've earned is where it belongs. In our pocket. * Special foul dinner, 45 cents. * 25% off ENTIRE STOCK SOILD BATH TOWELS & BATH RUGS * Grand Opening ... Food Specials ... $.50 Off Menuu Sandwiches & Large Single Topping Pizza with Pitcher of Poop $12.50 * OBESITY SURGERY Informational Seminar ... Limited space available! * ... Island Realty ... We believe living at the beach can take years off your life. * Widows made to order. Send us your specifications. * Anniversary Gift Bring in Our Coupon Receive a Coupon FREE * Sheer stockings - designed for dressy wear, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else. * For sale - a full blooded cow, giving three gallons of milk, two tons of hay, a lot of chickens and a cookstove. * Man, honest, will take anything. * HAPPY BIRTHDAY To The Most Impotent Person In The Family!!! * Wanted - farm mule. Must be reasonable. * Visit our clothing department. We can outwit the whole family. * Weight Loss Resolutions Happen Here. FREE CHEESECAKE Get a free N.Y. Cheesecake just for meeting with our Lite for Life Nutrition Counselor * Why go elsewhere to be cheated when you can come here? * The factory stands back of each fruit juice extractor against all defects, for one year. Truly it is a germ. * Yank Sing Chinese Restaurant. Dine-in, To go and Free delivery. We guarantee 90% satisfaction of our food. * Assorted Varieties Capri Sun Septic Drinks 3 / $5 * Wanted - smart young lady to act as deceptionist. * Eye Lash Enhancement Buy 2 Get 1 FREE * For sale - 38-foot cruiser. A beauty equipped with two bailing pumps. May be seen by appointment. Bring diving helmet. * Dinner special - Turkey $1.35; Chicken or Beef $1.25; Children $1.00. * (on a menu) Dreaded veal cutlets. * (at camera store) One Hour Photos Ready In 20 Minutes * Cream puffs - 6 for 29 cents. The flakiest, puffiest of puffs crammed full of creamy mustard. * With a live performance by Bristol's Own Dixieland Band, come ready to dance the night away and experience a taste of exceptional senior living with our bountiful array of sweet temptations. Monday, February 13, 2006. 6PM-7PM. * Burger Barn Desserts (per slice) New York Cheese Cake $1.99 Turtles Cheese Cake $1.99 10 Lb. Bag of ice $1.09 * Guarnatee success in school! One-on-one tutoring in your home! * QUARTER HORSE MARE - Power steering & disc brakes, $3,500. * Coupon. Free order. Buy 3 items from menu and get one * You can vacation in a foreign land where you'll find a different derelict. * With this product offer, you will be able to watch photographic movies. * You can travel to a different country where they have a differrent derelict. * You can learn how to fluently speak and write in Ebglish * Work wanted: 23-year-old university student, available to baby-sit. No babies please. * Everfresh cat litter - regular or low fat * Emerald gold fried chicken: 12 breasts, 12 wings, 13 things, 13 drumsticks * Girls nylon shorts sizes 8-14 in ass colours 97c * Older travellers: footless and fancy free * 7.5 oz microwaveable Dinty Moore's Chicken Dumpings * Albertsons ... Reese Sliced Water 79c * Hussey's. Thirsty? Complimentary Horseoveries From 4PM - 6PM * 2 wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15 * Cows, calves never bred...also 1 gay bull for sale. * Harrisburg postal employees gun club * Team Cheerios 13.7 oz - regular or with bleach * Book Light Deluxe Enjoy your book while sleeping. * Frozen Desserts / Just add meat! * Farm / Ranch Leases Grazing Lease Near Blackwell $2,500 Anally * New steak and chop house - superior to none * 1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer * Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed. * Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days. * Free puppies...part german shepherd part dog * '83 toyota hunchback -- $2000 * Soft & genital bath tissues or facial tissue - 89 cents * German shephard. 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks german. Free. * For sale: lee majors (6 million dollar man) - $50 * Free crust with every pizza * Iron on tattoos and patches * Weight Watchers Fruit Snack. Artificially flavored strawberry. Made with real apples. * Sandberg Funeral and Cremation Services. Stop in for our Open House on Dec. 10th from 10am-3pm & take in the aroma of the Holiday Season! * This house has it all - 5 bedrooms, 3 baths, a large eat-in-kitchen, a family room with fireplace big enough for all the kids ... * Winter is here - 27' snobmobile trailer * 24 x 26 in. Solid Wood Mirror * Midnight Madness. Midnight Madness in St. Michaels is the perfect solution. Shops, boutiques, and galleries in the Eastern Shore resort town will stay open ... Midnight Madness is 10 a.m. to noon Saturday. * General Tso's Double Delight ... 13.95 Chunks of chicken & jumbo shrimp urinated & fried until crispy. Then sauteed w. our chef's special sauce. * Burger Island / Fresh made harmburgers, sandwiches... * Neptune Front Load Washer Built-in high definition tuner Digital cable ready with cable card slot Built-in 20 watt stereo speaker system * Coloring Contest ... Must be 18 or older to enter * Buy 4 Shocks Get 1 Free * White Trash Compactor; White looks brand new * GE Mammogram dish washer for sale, white $20. * Employment Info State University Labrary Office Assistant ... Staff position available immediately * Green Mill Restaurant And Bar Order anything from our menu and we'll step on it! * Lunch Special Served Daily Except: 11 am - 3 pm * LEGOLAND CALIFORNIA Get2Free TICKETS For the first 20 customers with any purchase. Not valid at Legoland. * SUPER G String Cheese * WAITRESS NEEDED. Must be 18 years old with 20 years experience. Apply in Person Carnation Restaurant. * SNORING? TREATMENT FOR SNORING AND CRAP INTOLERANCE. * 90 Winneebago Chieften 33' motor home ... Ejaculate inside/out. * Fro your next printing order, why go out of town ... * Fall Home Builders Guide. Snavely Brookside: only 5 homes remain available! ... Come visit our neighbourhoods...you will want to stay away. * BRANFORD: 895,000 STEPS to beach. Set on nearly an acre ... * Cresent Center Drugs. If your doctor writes you a prescription for a specially prepared suppository. We can and will fit it. * Kroger Rx (Prescription) CHEW AND SWALLOW one (1) suppository RECTALLY TWICE daily FOR 10 DAYS * HEMORRHOIDAL-HC SUPPOS 12'S INSERT ONE RECTALLY BYMOUTH EVERY DAY AS NEEDED * Medco Health (Prescription) INHALE 2 PUFFS EVERY 4 HOURS RECTALLY * H & S Pharmacy TAKE ONE TABLET EVERY 2 HOURS UNTIL SICK * (listing of sandwiches) Egg sandwich ... 1.00 BLT ... 1.85 Lettuce and tomatoes $.10 extra. * Grilled cheese .... (add 50c for cheese) ... * 18 hours/week Are you looking to pay off some bills or buy that new ear? * NEW CHINATOWN Authentic Chinese Food Your Neighorhood Freshly, Friendly, Fastly and Cleanly Place * Downtown Dining Casual Atmosphere Professional Service Creative Menu Award Winning Horrific Parking ... * SUPER G String Cheese * Nordic Track $300 - hardly used - call chubbie * Shakespeare's Pizza - free chopsticks * Hummels - largest selection ever - "if it's in stock, we have it!" * Free: farm kittens. Ready to eat. * Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour. * TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9/HOUR? Flexible hours, profit sharing, paid vacation. Starting pay: $6-$8 per hour. * Manzini Uomo Suits (Pure Wood Italian Fabric) $99 * Exercise equipment: queen size mattress & box spring - $175. * Ground beast: 99 cents lb. * SAFEWAY COUPON Bar-S Sliced Bologna 16 oz. Regular or Tasty Limit 2 * Hot Pockets 2 Hickory Smoked Horse Buttholes * Bonerless Butter Fly Pork Chops * Bar s sliced balogna - regular or tasty - save 30 cents on 2 * Open house - body shapers toning salon - free coffee & donuts * Fully cooked boneless smoked man - $2.09 lb. * REG o MOUNTAIN FRESH o WITH BACON Ultra Tide Liquid Detergent * 90% Lean Lean Ground ????? Fresh $1 79 lb. * Try our famous chili - made from the original owner Lucille * (dog for sale) Rototiller male - all shots ... * Correctol - extra gentile, tablets or caplets. * BLADWIN MONARCH UPTIGHT PIANO excellent condition. * Illiterate? Write today for free help. * DUPLEX FOR RENT: Looking for (...) available May 1. No Poets. * Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. * Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. * Part time receptionist wanted for busy real estate office. ... If you have a pleasant personality, type 50-60 wpm and enjoy porking with people, please drop off a resume ... * Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. * Stock up and save. Limit: one. * Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. * SYMPHONY LEAGUE OF SANTA CRUZ COUNTY RESENTS ITS ANNUAL Holiday Home Tour & Gift Boutique * 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. * Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. * Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. * For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. * Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. * (dry cleaner) We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. * For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. * Great Dames for sale. * Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. * Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it. * Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. * Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours. * Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. * For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. * 87 Ford Mustang convertible ... new crotch. * Payson Motocross Fun for the hole family. * California Ladies State Porker Championships * Rustic Pine Bar Guaranteed to warp, split & creak! * European Maid For You House Cleaning Service If you are tired of services always sending different, unexpirance people without konwlageof basic English call us at ... * Waitresses wanted: work from home ... * Sterling Optical FREE eye with Purchase of a Prescription Pair of Eyeglasses * For sale: Mercer Co by owner. Steel home on 1 acre, 4 yrs walk to lake. * 95 Lexus ES300 Auto, A/C, Power Everything, Climax Control * Earthquake coverage ... call today for your free consolation. * Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard- to-find person. * With Any Purchase, Get a 6.25 OR 8 Oz. Out-dated Snack * Special Offer (DVD) Little House On The Prairie Loyal fans will relive these exciting and often touching adventures, while new viewers will discover the unconquerable courage of life as it was in the 1970's. * Pet casket. Please allow 2-4 weeks for delivery. * Educational Readin Specialist Requires MT teaching certificate * Take years off your life with Arbonne Skin Care Color, Nutrition, Aromatherapy. * Billy at Bar Bossanova invites all his friends to his special Irish happy hour. Have one drink and pay for two. * Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential. * Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. * Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family. * And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. * We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00. * Cuisine Of India. Nashville's best Italian Restaurant. (Across from KFC). * The Gardens Restaurant ... Roast Maine Mobster Tail. * Advanced Products Inc. 605 East Robins, Connelly, AK, 72032 10% Satisfaction Guaranteed Directions ... * Advertisers are not responsible for mistakes maked by this publication. * Kids day is coming. Riegelman Chiropractic Center ... Some of the activities the kids can look forward to are: spinal exams, backpack checks, dental exams, child i.d. cards, clowns, face painting ... * Dance the night away. St. John's Seniors - Branson. Holiday dance. Sunday Dec. 12 5:00 - 7:00 PM Radisson Hotel ... Branson, MO * The Upper Crust 'coupon'. Free cinnamon roll. Made from real mashed potatoes.BACK TO CHOICE LIST.
Signs/Instructions/Translations:
* (Airline peanuts) "Instructions: Open packet, eat contents." * (fire retardant varnish) CAUTION! Combustible. See other cautions on side panel. * (on a menu) Barely soup. * (on a movie marquee) Go For Broke Las Vegas Story * (on a 5-quart round slow cooker) Do not use the product for any purpose. * (on a baking pan) Ovenware will get hot when used in oven. * (on a blanket) Not to be used as protection from a tornado. * (on a fishing lure) Harmful if swallowed. * (on a cd rack) Do not use as a ladder. * (on a hairdryer) Do not use while sleeping. * (on a cereal box cover graphic) ENLARGED TO SHOW TEXTURE CEREAL PIECES DO NOT FLY WITHOUT ASSISTANCE * (on a heat gun) Do not use heat gun as a hair dryer. * (on a bag of chips) You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. * (on directions for an outdoor antenna) WARNING Do not attempt to install if drunk, pregnant or both. Do not throw antenna at spouse. * (on a bar of soap) Directions: Use like regular soap. * (on some frozen dinners) Serving suggestion: Defrost. * (on the bottom of the box of tiramisu dessert) Do not turn upside down. * (on bread pudding) Product will be hot after heating. * (on children's cough syrup) Do not drive car or operate machinery. * (on a box of sleeping pills) May cause drowsiness. * (on a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights) For indoor or outdoor use only. * (on a Japanese food processor) Not to be used for the other use. * (on peanuts package) Warning: contains nuts. * (on a Swedish chainsaw) Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. * (on a child's superman costume) Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. * (on a menu) New England Calm Chowder * (Clothes iron) "Do not iron clothes on body." * (European camera) "This camera only works when there is film inside." * (on a can of insect spray) Harmful to bees. * (on a life-saving device) This is not a life-saving device. * (on a motorcycle mirror) Objects in the mirror are actually behind you. * (on garden furniture) Keep away from damp and sunlight. * (on a milk bottle) After opening, keep upright. * (on a bag of peanuts) This product contains nuts. * (on a water heater) If building in which heater resides is on fire, do not go into building. * (on a mattress) Do not attempt to swallow. * (on a tv remote control) Not dishwasher safe. * (on a garden hose) May cause cancer in California. * (on a graduation gown) Do not wash or dry clean. * (on a video game console) Do not attempt to stick head inside deck, which may result in injury. * (on a bottle of aspirin) Do not take if allergic to aspirin * (on a birthday card) Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less. * (on a wristwatch) This is not underwear. Do not put in pants. * (on a hammer) Do not use to strike any solid object. * (on a curling iron) For external use only. * (translation of warning on Japanese knife) Caution: Blade is sharp - keep out of children. * (notice in French cafe) Persons are requested not to occupy seats in this cafe without consummation. * (notice in Austrian hotel) In case of fire please do your utmost to alarm the hall porter. * (some hotel) Dear guests, if you need a second blanket please contact the reception. The housekeeper will be happy to provide you and an additional one. For your sweet dreams, we choose a soft mattress, if you want a hard lay, please call our reception team. * (notice in Italian hotel) Visitors are requested not to throw coffee or other matter into the basin. Why else it stuffs the place inconvenient for the other world. * (translated notice) The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. * (translated notice) Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily. * (translated notice) Remember that there are other people on your floor who may want to use the laundry room. When you're done, please remove your clothes. * (sign on obstetrical ward) No children allowed. * (in a bookstore) Rare, Out-of-Print, And Non-Existent Books * (instruction in manual for a Table Top Barbeque) Do not use on any table. * Thrifty Rent A Car (agreement) 3.- We will ask you to sing an "ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF RESPONSABILITY" as a precondition to renting the car. * (sign on 12-million-ton dam) U.S. government property. Do not remove. * (sign on huge dump truck) Do Not Push. * (sign on American fire log) Caution - risk of fire * Children's matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with child. * Fifteen men's wool suits - $3.00. They won't last an hour. * (mis-translated welcome sign in Spain) You are circumcised. * (warning sign) Watch Your Head. * (translated hotel notice) It is forbidden to steal the towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please do not read this. * (at a basketball court) Anyone Caught Hanging from the Rim Will Be Suspended * (at a drugstore) Why be cheated elsewhere when you can come here? * (at a general store) We Buy Junk and Sell Antiques * (in a pharmacy) We Dispense With Accuracy * (translated hotel notice) Please bathe inside the tub. * (translated tailor's shop sign) Ladies may have a fit upstairs. * (translated dress shop sign) Dresses for street walking. * (translated dry cleaner's sign) Drop your trousers here for the best results * (translated tailor's shop sign) Order your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation * (translated German sign) It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of a different sex, for instance, men and women, live in one tent unless they are married with each other or that purpose. * (advertisement by a Hong Kong Dentist) Teeth extracted by the latest methodists. * (in a Rome laundry) Ladies, Leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. * (in a Tokyo bar) Special coctails for the ladies with nuts. * (an airline ticket office) We take your bags and send them in all directions. * (Budapest Zoo, Hungary) Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. * (Car rental brochure, Tokyo) When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor. * (Sign in men's restroom in Japan) To stop leak, turn cock to the right. * (in a Nairobi restaurant) Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager. * (a sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer) Do not activate with wet hands. * (Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations) Guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviours in bed. * (Hotel brochure, Italy) This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. In fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude. * (in the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian orthodox monastery) You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. * (a Norwegian cocktail lounge) Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. * (office of a Roman doctor) Specialist in women and other diseases. * (sign translated at foreign hotel) Do not enter the lift backwards - and only when lit up. * (sign translated at foreign hotel) The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time, we regret that you will be unbearable. * (sign translated at foreign hotel) To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. * (sign translated at foreign hotel) You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. * (sign translated at foreign hotel) Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. * (sign translated at foreign hotel) Please leave your values at the front desk. * (sign translated at foreign hotel) The manager has personally passed all the water served here. * (sign translated at foreign hotel) The manager has personally passed all the water served here. * (translated electronic device packaging) When you are traveling, Do you bring the very more USB cable? Is it very trable? Now, you have the USB multi funcfional, the door is throw wide open to your. * At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container. * At a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship. * At many military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel. * In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home. * In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and week-ends * At a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday. * On a shopping mall marquee: Archery tournament---ears pierced. * In a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks. * On a roller-coaster: Watch your head. * On a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable. * Never aim pepper spray at your own eyes * Don't reuse Liquid Plummer bottles to store beverages * Avoid dropping air conditioners out of windows * (translation on Puerto ferry) In case of emergency, the lifeguards are under the seats in the center of the vessels. * Do not leave children unattended. Lockers available. * The early bird get the worm! Special shoppers' luncheon before 11 a.m. * Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves. * Remove your child before folding the baby stroller * (in a laundromat) Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out. * (in a department store) Bargain Basement Upstairs * (on the back of a bottle of dog shampoo) cruelty free -- not tested on animals * (on a bottle of dog shampoo) Contents should not be fed to fish. * (in an office) Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken. * (in another office) After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board. * (outside a second-hand shop) We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain. * (quicksand warning) Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council. * (notice in a dry cleaner's window) Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of. * (in a health food shop window) Closed due to illness. * (spotted in a safari park) Elephants Please Stay In Your Car * (at a conference/convention) For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor. * (notice in a field) The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges. * (message on a leaflet) If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons. * (on a repair shop door) We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work) * (spotted in a toilet in a london office block) Toilet out of order. Please use floor below. * Potato slice / ingredients for sweet potato -- Please avoid that sunlight is direct, high temperature or moist, in order to avoid that go bad. Do not will this product powder suck in lung department, in order to avoid that influence health. Suggest will this product thoroughly cook eat. * (on a toy) Danger! A dangerous toy. This toy is being made for the extreme priority the good looks. The little part which suffocates when the sharp part which gets hurt is swallowed is contained generously. Only the person who can take responsibility by itself is to play. * Because there is danger that it is involved in a dolphin, please do not grow a hand in a fence.BACK TO CHOICE LIST.
Law-Related/Transcript typos/Testimony:
The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any." Q: "What is your brother, in, law's name?" A: "Borofkin." Q: "What's his first name?" A: "I can't remember." Q: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?" A: "No. I tell you I'm too excited." [Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.] "Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!" Q: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?" A: "I refuse to answer that question." Q: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?" A: "I refuse to answer that question." Q: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?" A: "No." Q: "What is your name?" A: "Ernestine McDowell." Q: "And what is your marital status?" A: "Fair." Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" A: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people." Q: "Are you married?" A: "No, I'm divorced." Q: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?" A: "A lot of things I didn't know about." Q: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?" A: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good." Q: "Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?" A: "I will be three months November 8th." Q: "Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?" A: "Yes." Q: "What were you and your husband doing at that time?" Q: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?" A: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region." Q: "Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?" A: "I should be." Q: "How many times have you committed suicide?" A: "Four times." Q: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?" A: "Yes, sir." Q: "Before or after he died?" Q: "What happened then?" A: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.' " Q: "Did he kill you?" A: "No." Q: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" A: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work." Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? Q: And who is this person you are speaking of? A: My ex-widow said it. Q: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence? A: Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words. * Call Mr. Jones and find out his height, weight and sex. * (re house deal) Phone Mrs. Brown and find out if she has gas. * This woman speaks breaken English. * I make oath and say as follows: One - I am the father of my son. * The defendant died recently. We are having him confirm this. * Oh well, Your Honour, no one's perfect. As manager Danny Oark said when his Philadelphia Phillies blew a 15 1/2-game lead: "Even Napoleon had his Watergate." * Police were negotiating with the gunman to come out through a bullhorn. * The Mobile County district attorney decided to throw out the charges that a family smoked marijuana around a 6-month-old baby who later died due to lack of evidence. * He died after committing suicide, a police spokesman said. * The debate over assisted suicide has been taken to the Supreme Court, which is expected to decide whether to uphold a ban on assisted suicide or declare it a constitutional right in July. * Two white men stood before a federal judge in leg irons Wednesday ... * The youth was charged with violating the Oak Forest city ordinance prohibiting profanity at 3:30 p.m. Sunday. * Eight pit bull owners were cited for unlicensed pets Friday. Three of them were mothers of recent litters. * The dog's owner was contacted and did not appear to be aggressive in the presence of officers. * The policeman issued a traffic ticket for carless driving. * The witness testified he'd seen a dog defecting on his neighbours lawn. * The woman declared she wanted a plague in her memory at the local hospital. * The officer could see a strong odour of an alcoholic beverage on the breath of the accused. * The officer said there was a strong smell of liquor on her breast. * We carried the clothes in a suitcase which we wore later that night. * We got permission to pick apples from the farmer. * He found ten dollars walking down the street. * The truck hit the pedestrian going 35 miles per hour. * He told police that one of the men menaced him with a wench while the other covered him with a revolver. * Nudism would be bared in Michigan under a bill introduced in the house Wednesday. * The driver reported that he lost control of the bus in an effort to keep hitting an automobile on which he saw a front tire blow out. * The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. * I misjudged a lady crossing the street. * The indirect cause of my accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. * I glanced over at my mother-in-law and went over the embankment. * Marjorie Evans was slightly bruised Monday afternoon when a car struck her in front of the bank. George Baker, the driver, picked her up, and feeling her all over to make sure no bones were broken, insisted on taking her home where he could make a closer examination. * Miss C.H. reported to police the loss of $20 today. She said the money was concealed in her stocking, and the loss was discovered soon after the departure of a vacuum-cleaner salesman who had been demonstrating his line. * Mrs. Glen Golden is general chairman of the affair. Mrs. Leland Ax and Mrs. Ben Gorden have charge of invitations. Mrs. John Estrick, Mrs. E.J. Ries and Mrs. Harold Stevens have charge of Harold Stevens. Representatives of teachers organizations appeared before the board to ask for a further cost- of-loving adjustment in wages. * -- was charged for dangerous driving in district court. * He invited me to an informal fathering. * I didn't say anything because I didn't want to get my sister in bed with her boss. * I later learned that my husband tried to make it with our 115-year-old babysitter. * At three years of age my father was killed in the war. * They travel together because that's the way they make the best loving. * Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. * The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. * I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. * A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. * A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. * In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. * I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision. I did not see the other car. * The driver swerved to avoid missing the jaywalker. * I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. * I was on my way to the doctor's with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident. * My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. * I told the police that I was not injured, but removing my hat, I found I had a skull fracture. * The pedestrian had no idea which way to go, so I ran him over. * I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him. * I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car. * The telephone pole was approaching fast. I attempted to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end. * To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. * As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. * An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished. * I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows. * I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passenger then left immediately for a vacation with injuries. * (court room) Was that the same nose you broke as a child? * So you say that the stairs went down to the basement? * Yes. * And these stairs, did they also go up? * When was the building constructed? * 1980. * And when did you start storing furniture in the building? * 1981. * Did you store any furniture in the building before it was * built? * In your opinion, how far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? * Do you have any children or anything of that kind? * So you were gone until you returned? * The land of Portugal - is it still there? * Who were these trucks that you had discussions with? * What colour were the blue jeans? * Officer, was the silent alarm still ringing when you arrived at the scene? * You don't know what it was, and you don't know what it looked like, but can you describe it? * Give me an example of some sounds that you have heard that are outside the range of human hearing. * How many children - she had three, right? * Yes. * How many were boys? * None. * Were there girls? * Where was the damage to your car? * He crumpled my right front fender. * Which right front fender? * Take the bull by the tail and look it straight in the eye. * And, doctor, as a result of your examination of the plaintiff in this case, was the young lady pregnant? * The young lady was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination. * (architect in court) After Herculean efforts, the defendant gave up trying to please the lady on the spiral staircase because he knew she would never be satisfied by his efforts. * I am informed by the petitioner and verily believe that she was pregnant for several months before her baby was born. * Doctor, what treatment did you give this man? * I cleaned the wound, sutured it, and put him to bed with a nurse. * Do you think that this is a permanent condition, doctor? * Well, it's temporarily permanent. * I woke up unconscious in the hospital. * At the time of the accident, the defendant was driving erotically. * Now where were you when the R.C.M.P. condescended upon you? * I've made efforts to contact the alleged father who lives in the alleged state of Wisconsin. * I show you a piece of coal and ask you, what is it? * A piece of coal. * Yes, that's right. * I've been looking after the child from birth. * From birth* * Yes. * How old would the child have been at that time? * At birth they are not very old. * You remember the person who was there. Was there a person or was it simply some sort of secretary that you were signing these in front of? * What, if anything, unusual occurred that evening? * Well, at approximately 17:30 I received a phone call from an unknown person - at the time - claiming that he wanted to commit murder, suicide and go A.W.O.L. * Was he upset? * And then I read the demand to the accused. * Did you read it from a card or from the top of your head? * What were you doing driving on the road at that time? * I was taking my brother home. * Was your brother in the car with you? * A new judge in Oregon leaned forward and inquired of the accused: "How do you plead, Mr. Guilty?" * He failed to avoid a collision which he saw or ought to have seen was intimate. * The covering letter and the letter with the covering letter is with this letter. * There are two listings in the phone book for this man, but one is unlisted. * The proceeds of any insurance policy to my brother Steve on the condition that I be alive at the time of my death. * Write a letter on my mother. * We are enclosing these documents in eskimo. * The plaintiff, Ann Michal, was the husband of the plaintiff, George Michal. * (concerning bankruptcy and creditors) This priority applied only against unsecured predators. * (judge-bigamy case) In this country we only have monotony. * You should be ashamed of yourself for contributing to this young person's sexual immortality. * I found him to be very open, straightforward, very sincere and apparently, very conscious. * As your honour can see by all the evidence that's been prevented today ... * I knew W.L. in his lifetime and for many years prior thereto. * What position was he in while he was being searched? * He had two hands on the wall, sir, and two on the ground. * When I saw I could not avoid a collison, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car. * The accident was entierly due to the road bending. * I thought my window was down but it was up when I put my hand through it. * The guy was all over the place. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. * The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle. * I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner,when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before. * Those are pictures of me they had taken. * And were you present when those pictures were taken? * You heard the entire conversation between the lady and the officer? * I can't say I heard every word, no. * How much of it did you miss? * Did that car stop and give his name to anybody that you know about? * Now in regard to this parked car that was going in the same direction you were ... * She drove to work that day? * Yes, sir. * She took the car with her? * When you slipped and fell off your delivery truck, in what direction did you fall? * Down. * He takes more than 20 pills a day, with the doctor's permission, of course I happen to know that most of them are gazebos. * Can you describe your assailant? * That's what I was doing when he hit me. * How long have you lived in Prince Albert? * All my life except maybe three years when I was 12. * What is your marital status? * Excellent. * Have you lived in Nanaimo all your life? * Not yet. * Your residence? * Columbus, Ohio. * And length of residence? * Forty-eight feet, seven inches - not including the porch. * Where do you live. * I moved. * Ma'am, how long have you lived in this town? * All my life. * And how old are you? * Thirty. * How long have you been 30? * Quite a while. * Do you know how tall your husband is? * Yes, I know exactly. We measured each other last week, and he's either five feet 11 or 11 feet five. * Now officer, on the occasion in question, where were you located, if anywhere? * How far from the chair were you when it hit you? * How many autopsies have you performed on dead people? * All my autopsies have been on dead people. * And have you ever been injured or killed yourself, ma'am? * Do you have any sort of medical disability? * I'm legally blind. * does that create substantial problems with your eyesight as far as seeing things? * Now then lieutenant, you have investigated many other murders, have you not, where there has been a victim? * Where is Mr. Albert McIntosh now? * He's buried. * Is he dead now? * And approximately when was that statement made? * About two weeks before she went to the hospital. * Before her final death? * You say he was cruel to you. What did he do to you? * He hit me and bit me. * You say he hit you. What did he hit you with? * His fist. * What did he bite you with? * Did you give your ticket to someone? * Yes. * And do you remember who that person was? * As I recall, it was somebody with a beard. * Do you remember if it was a man or a woman? * How were you dressed? * I had on a house-dress. * What material was it made out of, if anything? * Would you demonstrate, by standing up, just how he was crouched? * At any period of time when you lost consciousness, or don't remember what happened, did you see the car change direction or speed? * Now, Mr. Jones, we don't want you to tell us anything you don't know of your own personal knowledge -- not what someone told you, or what you think, but only what you actually know of your own personal knowledge. Now, are you a married man? * That night, when you were at Coreen's house, do you remember everything that happened that night? * No, I don't remember it all. * Okay, what part don't you remember about what happened that night? * Did you have one of those headaches last night? * No sir. The last headache I had was three or four days ago, and it lasted five days.BACK TO CHOICE LIST.
Radio/Live TV/Interviews/Classes:
* There's a stalled car going west on Sunset Highway. * Being a dull day, you might want to have your lights on. * Now stay stewed for the news. * This has been the news from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration. * (Hockey sportscaster in play-offs) So, were you rooting for your old team - Vancouver, the other night? Player: Yah, it was the first night I watched a hockey game from finish to end. * And now for some lovely songs from Josh Logan's "Fanny". * Now I'll take a leak out the window to see if it's freezing outside our studio. * The RAF dropped two and four ton blondes on Berlin. * The weather report - tomorrow rowdy, followed by clain. * The outfielder caught the ball just as his head hit the wall; it dropped to the ground and he picked it up and threw to third. * We will return to the story of the Seven Dwarfs after a pause for a short sponsor's message. Rolls-Royce announced today that it is recalling all Rolls- Royce cars made after 1966 because of faulty nuts behind the steering wheels. * ... and still missing in the unsolved Bache robbery is a million dollars worth of blue chop sticks. * See Jack Paar's wildlife on NBC. That is, his wildlife TV special on lions on NBC. * After her apprehension by local authorities, Miss Ellen Benson was confined to a menstrual institution for an indefinite period. * Saturday at the movies brings you another hit motion picture. See Elizabeth Taylor and Paul Newman together in a Cot on a Hot Tin Roof. * This is Art Linkletter saying good night ... and a special thanks to you, Edith Head, and your girls for bringing your dresses down on our program. * I have just learned that we do have the film of the astronauts' breakfast, which should be coming up shortly. * And from Mrs. Peyton, President of the Garden Study Club, comes word of a meeting next Friday. There will be a lecture by Eleanor Dayton. The topic of her lecture will be 'My Potted Friends'. * Come in at the sign of the clock, where it only takes six months to open a three-minute charge account. * Our next number is Tchaikovsky's violin concerto, featuring our own violin virtuoso, Sol Tannenbaum. You will notice that Mr. Tannenbaum plays passages of ease with the greatest of difficulty. * Fog and smog rolled over Los Angeles today, closing two airports and slowing snails to a traffic pace. * The spacious home of Judge and Mrs. Woodbury was the scene of a beautiful wedding last evening when their youngest daughter, Dorothy, was joined in holy deadlock to Mr. Wilkie. * And now for the latest from the fashion world. It is good news for men. Women are not going to wear their dresses any longer (pause) this year. * And now for the track event you've all been waiting for, the thousand mile dash. * At Wortman's Furniture store, their interior decorator will give you ideas for your home in every type of wood. Come in today and see their showroom and be their guest in their walled nut room. * This is Harry Reasoner reminding you to tune in this Sunday when CBS-TV will prevent the Johnson wedding. * News bulletin ... Militant Civil Rights leaders, angered by the presence of newsmen at their meeting, smashed cameras and TV equipment ... and now back to 'Beat the Press' ... 'Meet the Press'. * So stop by our downtown store and visit our fashion center. You will see our lovely models in heat ... (pause, page turn) ... resistant fabrics which will keep you cooler this summer. * Tonight's big story is the devastating flood in East Pakistan, brought to you by your Chevrolet dealers. * Joe Nameth is the most offensive player in football ... best offensive player. * And the latest report from the U.S. Weather Bureau advises us that typhoid Ida is now threatening the Philippines ... typhoon Ida. * ... and there's a chance of snow mixed with snow later on tonight. * Monday is inauguration day - stay tuned to this channel and see Nixon swearing on the steps of the Capitol in Washington. * Karl Smith, 83, a lifetime resident of this city, passed away at his home Tuesday night. Funeral services for Mr. Smith will be held in the chapel of the First Methodist Church. Entertainment will follow in the cemetery. Excuse me, that should have been interment. * The rioting hippies were finally brought under control after police sprayed mice into the crowd - excuse me, I think that should have been mace. * You can get this attractively priced camera at Mel's - it's guaranteed to take pictures in either black or white. * Good evening, sports fans; we're crammed into a field house where tonight's sexual competition begins, with the State High School championship .. did I say sectional ... I meant sexual. * So hurry folks, and deposit your letters now. We'll be waiting for your droppings in the box. * And fire commissioner Randolph Davis reported that his department firefighters poured over 2,000 gallons of gasoline on the blaze. * Many clergymen feel the recent avalanche of obscene material is a treat to young children - I'm sorry, that's a 'threat'. * The sagging morale of army nurses has been attributed to their dissatisfaction with military bras. I'm sorry, that should be brass. * (hockey) I think he got the stick in the nose. He broke his nose earlier, and it looks as though it's the same nose that he injured before. * And word has just reached us of the passing of Mrs. Angela Cirrilio, who died at the age of eighty-seven. Mrs. Cirrilio was a noted amateur chef who specialized in Italian cooking. There are no survivors. * And from here in the press box it appears that Bart Starr, the great Green Bay Packer quarterback, had the wind knocked out of him, for which we are most grateful. * And now coming into the game is the five-ton junior from Canton, Ohio. * Since we have been on television, we have had fifty odd Senators and Representatives on our program. * Because of our taping schedule, this show will take place three weeks after you see it. * Phillips brings his team up to the line of scrimmage with Alexander flanked to the right side. Oh oh, there had been a movement in the line. We're waiting for the referee to tell us which player had the movement. * Sportscaster: Do you find the Chicago Bears have very complicated plays? Coach: I've talked to some defensive players, and they are all pretty simple. * Join me Monday through Freddy ... Friday on the Fred Merritt Show. * (after a construction worker was accidentally shot with a staple gun) I didn't know I'd been shot until I tried to remove my cap and couldn't. * I've got nothing to say and I'll only say it once. (Toronto Maple Leaf coach after a tough loss.) * (at a department store) Would Sandra Smith please go to China immediately. * (Hockey Night in Canada announcer) ... and the players jam in behind the net. * (same night on Hockey Night) ... and we'll be back to wrap after these messages. * (History professor Devries) I graduated in 1880 ... I mean 1980 ... it just feels like it was 1880. * (Psychology professor Parker) At first they studied R.E.M.'s in babies. Then later when they studied humans ... I mean adults ... * But Toronto is consistent with the models in that surrounding the CBC [meant CBD] there are mainly lower class areas. * Next is the four-day five-cast. * (baseball broadcast) The ball handcuffed him so all he could do was eat it. * (court room scene - Perry Mason) Answer this question with a simple yes or no - what were your feelings toward the murdered man?BACK TO CHOICE LIST.
Students Essays:
* (note brought to school) X. missed gym yesterday because he was sick. Please execute him. * In 1492, our teacher told us that Columbus discovered America. * A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population. * The process of turning steam into water again is called conversation. * Acrimony is what a man gives his divorced wife. * In Christianity, a man can only have one wife. This is called monotony. * Ceylon is jointed to India by a chain of coral wreathes. * Herrings go about the sea in shawls. * A morality play is a play in which the characters are goblins, ghosts, virgins, and other supernatural creatures. * The Trojans rode a wooden horse that said, "Beware the Greeks, asking for lifts." * A psalmist is one who tells fortune by reading hands. * Robert Louis Stevenson got married and went on his honeymoon. It was then he wrote 'Travels with a Donkey'. * Joseph Haydn had a lot of will power; he died in 1809 and is still dead. * An executive is the man who puts murderers to death. * One of the most popular fugues was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys. * The constitution of the U.S. was adopted to secure domestic hostility. * Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man. * A monologue is a conversation between two people such as husband and wife. * Doctors now treat their patients with ultraviolet rays. * Robinson Crusoe was a great operatic tenor. * Autobiography is a history of motor cars. * Zanibar is noted for its monkeys. The British Governor lives there. * Rural life is found mostly in the country. * The Pawnees were a tribe that ran hockshops for Indians. * In many states, murderers are put to death by electrolysis. * The difference between a king and a president is that a king is the son of his father, but a president isn't. * A polygon with seven sides is called a hooligan. * Flora and Fauna were the original Siamese twins. * The eastern part of Asia is called Euthanasia. * The American people have the right to partition Congress without going to jail. * Mata Hari means suicide in Japanese. * Bisquit Tortoni is the man who discovered radio. * Plenipotentiary is a place where foreign prisoners are kept. * The Merchant of Venice was a famous Italian who bought and sold canal boats. Latin Quarter is a French twenty-five-cent piece. * To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. * If one angle of a triangle is more than 90 degrees the triangle is obscene. * The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irrigation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. * The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. * Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. * Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote "The Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. * Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. * In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbours were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. * Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrant who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them. * Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offence. * In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. * The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenburg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure ecause he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100- foot clipper. * The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted 'hurrah'. Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo. * The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the king by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Mique Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost". Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained". * During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. * One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. * Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand". Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. * George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. * Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk had. He said, "In onion there is strength". Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg address while travelling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. * Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are flaling off the trees. * Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. * France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. the Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestr ained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children. * The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. * The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers. * The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history. * With the second coming of the second World War ... * Gender in English tells us if a man is male, female, or neuter. * Every man loves his native land whether he was born there or not. * When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire. * For head cold: Use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat. * When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide. * Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state. * Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water. * Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars. * H20 is hot water, and C02 is cold water. * Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative. * The moon is a planet just like Earth, only it is even deader. * Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull. * Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire. * A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. * Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas. * The body consists of three partsthe brainium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five -- a, e, i, o, and u. * The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects. * The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana. * The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to. * A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors. * The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends toward the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. * A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is. * For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor. * Equator: A managerie lion running around Earth through Africa. * Germinate: To become a naturalized German. * Liter: A nest of young puppies. * Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat. * Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away. * Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot. * Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives. * Respiration is composed of inspiration and then expectoration. * To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose. * For a nosebleed: Put the nose lower than the body until the heart stops. * To prevent contraception: Wear a condominium. * Blood flows down one leg and up the other. (Resume blunders): * "Suspected to graduate early next year." * "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets." * "Proven ability to track down and correct erors." * "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department." * "Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer." * "I am a rabid typist." * "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook." * "Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981." * "After receiving advice from several different angels, I have decided to pursue a new line of work." * "Accounting cleric." * "As indicted, I have over five years of experience analyzing investments." * "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details." * "Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school." (SENTENCES FROM LETTERS RECEIVED BY THE TORONTO WELFARE DEPARTMENT FROM APPLICATIONS FOR AID AND ASSISTANCE): * I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven but one died and was baptized on half sheet of paper. * I am writing to the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money? * Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy. * I cannot get sick pay. I have six children, can you tell me why? * I am glad to report that my husband who was reported missing is dead. * This is my eighth child, what are you going to do about it? * Please find for certain if my husband is dead, the man I am living with can't eat or do anything until he finds out. * I am very annoyed that you have branded my son illiterate, as this is a lie. I was married to his father a week before he was born. * In answer to your letter I have given birth to a boy weighing ten lbs. I hope this is satisfactory. * I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children, one of which was a mistake as you can see. * My husband had his project cut off two weeks ago, and I haven't had any relief since. * Unless I get my money soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life. * You have changed my little boy to a little girl. Will this make any difference? * I haven't had children as yet as my husband is a bus driver and works day and night. * In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope. * I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and this doesn't seem to do me any good. If things don't improve I will be forced to send for another doctor. * It is true I am a bachelor and have deducted for two children. But please believe me when I say it was an accident. * Please excuse the condition of my messy form. I really should have been more careful. * I am a vermin destroyer but have not earned anything for some months. I shall be glad to call on you at your convenience. * Please send me a claim form as I have had a baby. I had one before but it got dirty and I burned it. * I cannot pay the full amount at the moment as my husband is in hospital. As soon as I can I will send on the remains. * Please correct this assessment. I have not worked for the past three months as I have broken my leg. Hoping you will do the same....BACK TO CHOICE LIST.
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